*Crackle*, Is… anybody there?

*Crackle*, Is… anybody there? September 30, 2013

So for the last couple of days, we’ve had high wind up here in Seattle.  Results?  Among other things, a giant branch snapped clean off our peach tree in the back yard and (unrelated but more pertinent to all y’all) our internet and phone are out.  So I will be scarce here.

I am currently writing you from my laptop at McDonald’s, where hundreds of frightened Internet refugees are being herded into the Play Area by militarized police in riot gear.  Weeping teenage girls trying to connect with the WiFi.  Tiny defenseless children, separated from their parents and bawling for access to old Strongbad emails.  I’m a strong man, emotionally speaking.  But that kind of spectacle gets to you.  One guy freaked about “Seahawk scores” and they had to taze him. I’ve managed to stake out a small corner behind a Hamburgler statue and so far nobody has noticed me yet, but in this “Lord of the Flies” environment I could find myself relieved of my laptop and left with a bullet through my head at any moment.  Fortunately, the mob is distracted by a fight that erupted over a French fry and doesn’t hear me typing.  I wish I knew where Jan and the kids are.  We got separated in the tidal wave of humanity that poured from the houses in our neighborhood and rushed toward Starbuck and McDonalds (across the street from each other).  It was like World War Z.  I can only hope that the desperate hipsters, ironic postmoderns, and tongue-pierced barristas were able to find it within their hearts to take my loved ones in.

Wait!  Something’s happening!  The police are forming themselves into a human wall and marching side by side through the McDonalds, driving the crush of people toward the doors and out into the wind and rain!  Their computers are sparking and going up in flames!  They still haven’t seen me!  One young man is down on the ground scrambling to find his Droid!  They’ve tased him!  The vast throng pushes back and now the truncheons are out!  The people chant “WIFI! WIFI!” but it’s no use!  They are driven back by a hail of rubber bullets!  O the humani…

Browse Our Archives