For my birthday, I am liveblogging “Sharknado”

For my birthday, I am liveblogging “Sharknado” August 5, 2014

I can’t wait to find out what this film is about. I’m live blogging the experience.

So far, I’ve learned that the pretty waitress has a mysterious scar and hatred of sharks. I’m trying figure out the deep psychological connection.

Also, villainous Mexicans and Asians are earth rapists who get eaten by whirling sharks in a universe ruled by a just God.

And global warming cause shark launching hurricanes. But hot chicks with Buffy complexes and mysterious scars can stab them with pool cues.

Oh, and the hero is named Finn. Get it?

And the big ferris wheel at Santa Monica pier is a real menace.

What hath man wrought?

I’m talking about this movie, not global warming.

They are warning the random stranger to get back in his car. He refuses. Munch.

Now the heroes are driving through shark infested waters with John Heard. They are ramming the car to try to get John Heard to wake up and give a performance. He’s an aging surfer dude. He also plays one in the movie, when he’s awake.

It’s raining a lot. I feel so at home as a Seattleite.

Hero is out of car to save people. Aussie buddy and hot chick follow. Dumb lady is trying to save dog. Panicked mob runss for high ground. John Heard has a bar stool for some reason. Rescues dog, but gets munched, shouting “Ow! Get off me!” No. Really.

Now Finn is off to save his family. Sharks are belching out of drainage pipes. I love science films.

Blonde ex-wive and snotty embittered teen with dad issues is here. Also sharkbait boyfriend, but he only live long enough to say, “Sharks in the pool? Are you kid…?”

More sharks, now in the house. Badass hot chick blows their pre-Cambrian brains out. Murka! Downstairs is full of bloody water.

Now they are outside, which is not flooded, while the house just erupted in water and water is cascoding out of everywhere. Bitter daughter and blonde ex-wife are in car. They will realize what a great man he is by movie’s end. Hot chick loves her gun so much she doesn’t need a man.

Now they have to go get Mack. But there are kids trapped in a bus. Finn is mean because he cares, according to his nasty, shallow wife. Sharks are ramming bus. Loser bus driver is promising everything will be just fine. He will be the appetizer.

Meanwhile Finn magically produces rapelling equipment and comes to save the kids. I foretell bus driver will be munched after close calls with the kids. Miraculously, two women pull up 30 children. Turns out bus driver is plucky comic relief. Shark almost eats Fin, but he makes it back up to the trestle.

Ah! Plucky comic relief guy now dies in hilariously ironic way. I thought he was marked for death. I’m seldom wrong in these matters.

They escape. But with a shark on the roof of the car. Hot chick blows it away with her big gun.

Then brief bonding time with bitter daughter.

News talking hairdo talks about “impending apocalypse”. Nutjob clerk raves about government. They find sweet ride and have accompanying rock and roll sound track. as they start being chased by cops for no particularly reason.

Squealing tires. Nitrous oxide added to fuel. Rock and roll. The freedom of the open road. Murka!

Van Nuys! Big CGI tornado full of sharks. Must find Mack, who apparently old.

Oh look! Old folks home is next to airport. Sharknado weather is perfect for flying.

Oh! Wait. It’s Matt, not Mack. And he’s young. Now the tornado just such sucked an extra out of the hanger. Finn saves them! Now they are arming themselves to “stand and fight” a tornado. Because duh.

Chainsaws, gas cannisters. “We’re going blow sharks to bits from a helicopter.” What could possibly go wrong?

Bitter daughter feels neglected and haz a sad cause dad love Matt better. Hot chick talks to Matt and opens up about the shark that ate Grandpa. It’s like totally sad and stuff. She’s like the hottest Quint in shark hunter history.

They are now–seriously–going to fly a busted up chopper into three tornados and throw bombs in them to kill sharks and “equalize the pressure” to neutralize the tornado. Matt is totally an ace pilot. He can fly in tornados! With sharks!

Boom! Tornado destroyed! Falling sharks chopped in half with chain saw. Shark bites Aussie dude and they are both sucked away by T2.

New lady chomped. T2 kaboomed. Sharks falling in pool. Finn pours gas in pool and lights. Kaboom.

Tornado 3. Kaboom. Old lady: “Who is that up there?” “My son”. “You must be so proud!” “I am” Shark chomps chopper. Hot chick stabs but falls from chopper and gets chomped. Surprised. I figured she’d by Matt’s sweetie.

Matt makes a landing. Dad takes bomb, puts in truck drives it in tornado. Kaboom. Sharks fall. Great white lands on dad and he leaps straight into its mouth with a chain saw, cuts his way out. Hot chick is also inside the shark! Yay! Matt gives her CPR! Ex-wife and bitter daughter love dad for the hero he is. Matt gets hot chick. LA is saved!

Closing credit says “Fin”. My life is complete.

I have a Sharknado birfday hat:

Without my shirt, I am the Sexiest Sharknado Behatted Liveblogger Alive, due to my being the only Sharknado Behatted Liveblogger Alive. Your argument is invalid. That is all.

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  • Mark S. (not for Shea)

    SHARKNADO isn’t just a bad movie. It’s an inept movie. I have a great fondness for truly bad movies (FLASH GORDON, BILLY JACK, HAWK THE SLAYER), and SHARKNADO isn’t worthy to loosen the thongs on their sandals.
    SHARKNADO 2 though … ? I caught about 20 minutes of it on TV the other night. Much improved! Now there is a really good bad movie.

  • Rebecca Fuentes

    My 7-year-old declared Sharknado her favorite film ever, except for Frozen. I can’t wait to see #2.

  • Tom

    And I was planning on sleeping tonight.