President Bart Simpson gives his book report on the Revolutionary War of 1812

“In June of 1775, the Continental Congress created a unified Army out of the Revolutionary Forces encamped around Boston and New York, and named after the great George Washington, commander in chief. The Continental Army suffered a bitter winter of Valley Forge, found glory across the waters of the Delaware and seized victory from Cornwallis of Yorktown.

“Our Army manned the air, it rammed the ramparts, it took over the airports, it did everything it had to do, and at Fort McHenry, under the rocket’s red glare it had nothing but victory. And when dawn came, their star-spangled banner waved defiant.”

This was actually said in public on the Fourth of July. His salvation, of course, is that his base of illiterate jingos knows no more of the history he garbles than he does. It’s just flags and guns and eagles and shooting that guy who played Lucius Malfoy in a Mel Gibson film they sort of remember renting from Netflix a few years ago.

Characteristically, Trump both blamed everybody and everything but himself for his hilarious stupidity and took credit for a brilliant speech he masterfully delivered by heart:

Trump explains the teleprompter black out during his speech pic.twitter.com/jYXprjMwjC

— TPM Livewire (@TPMLiveWire) July 5, 2019

Also characteristic: his lie that he had a yuge audience since only Pravda FOX carried it. Other networks knew that normal people were partying, not longing to hear a reading from the Sayings of Chairman Trump. And finally, what normal person would listen to that illiterate book report from President Bart Simpson and feel a sudden impulse to join a military with a man as stupid, dishonest, and unstable as him as your commander-in-chief, a man who thinks nothing of dragging troops away from their families and forcing them to march in the rain on the Fourth of July for his personal glory? No, President Simpson, this was an anti-recruitment thing. 89% of the troops you regard as your personal playthings and not as human beings said no to your stupid Soviet parade.

What must it be like to know that, sooner or later, the walls are going to close in, you will be driven from office, and for the rest of the entire history of the world, people will look back on you with derision and laughter as the stupidest man to ever occupy the White House? Your cult will all die of old age soon from sitting in front of FOX and gobbling Cheetos and nobody will be left to sustain the lie. You will be naked before the harsh glare of reality. May God pity you, you pathetic con man and may he deliver us from you and the low information voters and white supremacists and historical illiterates who adore you.

Meanwhile, the Cult immediately sets to work receiving talking points from Minitrue:

Ooooh! You got him! Obv he meant “ports.” Crucify him. “Trump mistakenly claims Revolutionary War soldiers 'took over airports' in 'Salute to America' speech” https://t.co/zBC1NI2eyi

— Laura Ingraham (@IngrahamAngle) July 5, 2019

The real narrative, you see, is snooty liberals with educations making fun of the Hard-Working Murkans who built this country. That’s how these liars always play it when this dolt who neither learned anything in school nor worked a day in his life screws up. All this from the cult of liars who think nothing of making fun of a bartender for working her ass off to get elected to Congress.

Next, we will be reminded yet again of that one time Obama said there were 57 states. Because a prepared speech by a well-rested President is exactly the same thing as the ex tempore remarks of an exhausted candidate on the campaign trail. “No! You!” is practically the only remaining tool in the intellectual toolbox of this pack of frauds.

They lie. They do nothing but lie. Because they have goals, not principles.

God deliver us from these nihilist predators through Christ our Lord.

On the bright side, there is something delectable about Trump using all the powers of his office to set up a parade in his honor, gather millions of witnesses, make himself the absolute center of attention on our greatest civic holiday–and then making a complete braying ass of himself in a way that is impossible to blame on anybody but himself. I’m not sure if it’s a Greek tragedy or a Greek comedy, but it’s definitely Greek. Nobody, for the rest of time, is going to remember a word he said yesterday except for his asinine blather about Revolutionary troops taking over airports.

To get absolutely everything you have ever wanted and have that be the means of your destruction is exquisite.