Because I hate Karla Wetzig and the Latin Mass…

I am not posting this:

Dear Dark Lord,

Since you hate Latin and everyone and everything associated with it, doubtless you are planning to send your stormtroopers to my wedding on May 1 at 2pm in St. Paul Cathedral in Pittsburgh. So I am just sending along this little note with a plea for mercy.

Please do not behead the talented schola as they sing Gregorian chant Mass 1, Introit, Offertory, and Communion propers, Responsorial Psalm and Alleluia from the Graduale Simplex. Also, if you could avoid gunning down the wedding party in a cinematic scene of carnage and majesty, I would appreciate it. The groomsmen’s tuxes are rentals. Lastly, do not kill the wedding guests like rats as they flee shrieking from the gorgeous Gothic church which seats 1600. Many of them were just curious as to what a Nuptial Mass in Latin in the Ordinary Form is like.

Also, definitely do not post this email to your website and invite people to come:
May 1 2010, 2pm
St. Paul Cathedral, Diocese of Pittsburgh

Since I am sure that is how you communicate with your albino assassins, and frankly, they will clash with my dress.

Also, don’t mention our website.

Trembling in terror,
Karla Wetzig

There! That’ll show her! And I’m also not saying anything like “Have a wonderful and glorious wedding and may God bless you both with happiness, long life, all the grace, healing, and mutual exaltation of the sacrament, and many healthy and beautiful children who will bring you joy all the days of your life!”

I’m a Dark Lord, dammit! I’ve got a reputation to uphold! Don’t expect me to crack up and go sappy over the sight of a beautiful bride and her, sniff, happy bridegroom just about to launch on the adventure of new love. *sob*

I’ll be in my Fortress of Solitude, hardening my heart against all human sympathy, as is my custom.