Weak and Unashamed

I can’t think clearly today. My whole body is sore. My head hurts. I’m not sure how I’m going to get through today without fainting. I have so much I need to be doing right now, but it is taking everything I’ve got just to stay upright and awake. Tests came back indicating anemia — again. That explains the exhaustion and it is a good excuse to splurge on a steak dinner this week.

This is just one day in my life, and not a particularly uncommon one. When my body went through what it did, and my mind stopped functioning the way it should, I lost normalcy and predictability. Some days, I do well. I have energy, am relatively pain-free and if my thoughts were the sky, I could see for miles. But not today. God has another plan for this day. So I’m resting in His mercy and grace. I’m eating a baked bean and ketchup sandwich my six-year-old made for me and reminding myself that God is good. I realize that there is no way I’ll get everything I need to do today done. I’m learning that sometimes it is better to rest than work. I’m learning that life is good even when my body doesn’t feel it. This is the day that the Lord has made, and I will rejoice and be glad in it.

Thank You, God, that I don’t need to be a supermom.
Thank You, God, that my house doesn’t need to be spotless.
Thank You, God, that I can buy pizza for dinner.
Thank You, God, for my life.

God isn’t struggling. He isn’t like me. He is strong and faithful. I am fighting to stay focused on the truth today. This migraine is threatening to smother my spirit. I can feel anxiety stirring up in my stomach. But God assured me that nothing can separate us from His love (Romans 8:38-39). If even death is unable to keep me from Him, how much more so these trials? The truth is that I can stand before my Maker unashamed because through Jesus, I am enough. He has made me worthy of His love. I can’t thwart the plans He has made for my life. I trust that what I am experiencing now is all part of those good plans. I know that I am free to go through today, weak and unashamed. I may feel faint, but I am joyful, and my heart is peaceful.

“Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.
–Matthew 11:28-30

I know I sound like a broken record. That verse, I repeat it a lot, like a mantra. It is because those words bring me immeasurable comfort and hope. They remind me that God is not a task-master. He delights in us, and that is really hard for me to believe sometimes, so I need frequent reminding. I know that in my weakness, His strength abounds. For someone like me, that is really good news. I’m broken. I can’t stand on my own two feet. I can’t even function without medications. I don’t yet fully understand how that could be a good thing, but I know it makes me more aware of God’s kindness to me, and that is good.

Thank You, God, for scientists with creative minds.
Thank You, God, for these prescriptions.
Thank You, God, for the quality of life they bring me.
Thank You, God, for my life.

“But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.”
– 2 Corinthians 12:9-10

Pride and self-reliance have no place in the Christian life. We know that apart from Him, we are wretched and condemned. It is by Him alone that we are anything else. We partake of his body and blood and are made whole. Jesus is my crutch, and I’m not ashamed of it. Honestly, I wouldn’t want it any other way.

Thank You, God, for sending Your Son, Jesus, to us.
Thank You, God, for loving us so much.
Thank You, God, for my life.