Commentary on “Your Spouse No Longer Wants You to Wear Garments”

I am by no means a qualified therapist but I have noticed an underlying and unspoken theme with couples in this situation. The one who has left the church (forcibly or on their own) feels anger towards the Church, but they also feel a good deal of guilt. This husband may say that the Church is stupid, garments are silly, etc., but he is attempting to justify his wrong decisions by doing so. And the axiom that “misery loves company” holds absolutely true in this situation. A husband who has been excommunicated and can no longer wear garments would, unsurprisingly in many cases, not want to feel alone and left out; he is going to try to convince his wife that garments/the Church is stupid and she should follow him rather than follow her conscience, unlike what he did. It is all a selfish attempt to make himself feel better about the wrongs he committed to be in the situation he’s found himself in. If she joins him voluntarily in abandoning some or all aspects of the Church and Gospel then he thinks he’ll feel better about himself. Probably won’t, but he thinks he will. If he were completely committed to respecting his spouse and the sacredness of the covenants she (and he) had made, chances are he may not have been excommunicated in the first place. Just my two cents.

I agree there can be some common feelings that people find themselves dealing with in these types of situations: guilt, shame, self-justification, pain, anger, wanting validation, etc. Where we need to tread carefully is assuming that “one shoe fits all” or assuming these feelings are expressed purposefully or with intended malice. Many of these reactions fall under normal human responses and self-defense mechanisms to challenges (whether we have created those challenges for ourselves or not). We also need to remain cognizant that we all differ in 1. the types of self-mechanisms we respond with, 2. our ability to be aware of our self-defense mechanisms, and 3. the skills needed to overcome negative self-defense mechanisms.

There are also situations where members leave the church (especially on their own where the reason has more to do with theological issues versus sinful behavior), where they honestly say they feel no guilt, but rather a new found freedom. So not everyone would relate to the feelings stated above and instead see our responses as devout members to them as defense mechanisms in of themselves.

My hope is always that we may lay aside our differences, our sins, our theology, our pain – long enough to be lovingly present with another (even when that other is in our eyes mistaken). For me, that is the essence of being a Christian – a follower of Jesus Christ. And what better place to do this than with our loved ones – within our relationships? Is there any question as to the purpose of the family and spousal unit but that of continual learning and compromise of our individual wants and needs for something greater? This goes both ways – sinner and sinned against. All of us will find ourselves on both sides of that coin in a long lasting relationship.