How Does One Gain Confidence And Understanding Of Our Church’s Doctrine Regarding Gays?

I am so glad I stumbled upon this blog. Great work you are doing here. My question regards homosexuality. How does one gain confidence and understanding of our church’s doctrine regarding gays? Right now, I have befriended four gay women. One of them has cancer and I have been regularly visiting her and her partner. She is dying. They know I am LDS, but I fear the day when they will confront the elephant in the room. Personally, I see how the gay life style is NOT in accordance with the plan of salvation. Obviously they cannot procreate. But in reality, gay couples can adopt and there are many children who need loving and stable homes. I feel like I have a strong testimony and I am not doubting that, but if we are really about free agency and choice, why do we “force” our God’s laws on others. It makes us look so narrow minded and bigoted and unloving of others. I love these women and pray for each of them that one day their hearts will be softened to have a desire to repent and come unto Christ, but in all honesty I seriously doubt that will happen in this life. I guess I do not feel confident in defending God’s laws. What can I do to change this? I am not looking to debate homosexuality with them. I just want a confident somewhat intelligent response when the day comes. Thank-you. I should add, I am married in the temple and I am not struggling with these tendencies. I find myself feeling more and more sympathy for these women. I don’t think it would ever be right to attend a gay rally or sign a petition for gays. But I would go to one of their weddings and celebrate with them. Looking forward to your reply.

One of my favorite things to contemplate and talk about is how life presents us with more “gray” than with “black or white” situations. I think this is an excellent example of just that. Just because people have a completely different outlook on life than we do or are living in a way we may not doctrinally approve of, does not mean that they do not have positive characteristics or that they are not doing other worthwhile and good things in their lives. For example, many gay and lesbian couples do provide loving and stable homes for children. Just like people who are involved in other types of “sinful behavior” provide loving and stable homes for children. Here’s a few of my thoughts:

If your friends know that you are a Mormon, they more than likely already know your stance on homosexuality or at least the stance of your church. If they don’t ask about it, I wouldn’t necessarily broach the subject. I think there already exists a mutual understanding that there are core disagreements and yet, both parties have been willing to look beyond those and forge what many would deem to be unlikely friendships. What an excellent example you are providing! I applaud your ability to have successfully incorporated your values and beliefs sufficiently to comfortably allow for this level of ambiguity. It is when people hold on to rigidity and unnecessary judgment that these friendships are less likely. We CAN respectfully agree to disagree.
If the subject is broached, then you can be prepared to give a simple and distant explanation of what the stance is and why (by distant I mean you don’t need to go into an emotional testimonial of how you believe their lives are full of sin). Things you can include are:

The Mormon doctrine does believe that sexual relations should only be between a husband and a wife. A lot of this has to do with having children but also our beliefs of how man and woman are meant to be compliments (physically and spiritually) to one another. We do believe that gender roles are paramount to our happiness and to God’s plan for us.
The church takes the stance that there may be genetic predispositions for homosexual attraction, but that more importantly there are many environmental forces that play a significant role. They take this stance about most challenges people struggle with (i.e. alcoholism, overeating, gambling, heterosexual behavior, etc.)
Like with anything that is seen as “sinful” behavior, the church is adamant about separating the sin from the sinner. In other words, it is making concerted efforts to reach out to its members and make sure we are encouraged to treat each other with love and respect, regardless of circumstance or behavior.
Saying something like “I think we all struggle with figuring out our stance on homosexuality in a way that is respectful and open. We see people struggling with this all through our country. I want you to know that although I believe in my faith and in its teachings, I am in no way looking to push these beliefs on you or place judgment upon you. I value our friendships and am so glad we have been able to build this relationship.”

Although not an official statement from the church, Homosexuality and the Church of Jesus Christ by A. Dean Byrd, PhD is a comprehensive resource of church doctrine in regards to this issue. It clearly states the church’s stance and can be a good place to start working through your own thoughts and beliefs in comparison to what the church has offered on this subject.
I do think that the church is making a continual and concerted effort to reach out to its members who struggle with same-gender attraction. The gay community will find it difficult to accept any reaching out that does not completely side on accepting homosexuality as a “norm.” But so many of the recent messages directed towards homosexuality have to do with understanding the struggles involved, loving and accepting our members who deal with these issues and most importantly, acceptance that these feelings are not necessarily choice based. But the church stands strong in its teachings regarding behaviors that surround same gender attraction and sexuality in general.
We need to be careful and separate for ourselves the fact that the religion we are part of has specific doctrine we encourage and try to adhere to versus the thought that the church “forces” anyone to do anything. An example I like to give the youth when teaching them about basic peer pressure is that they will more than likely be confronted with a question that starts out with “Why does your church not LET you….?” or “Why are you not ALLOWED to….?” (fill in the blank with drink alcohol, smoke marijuana, have premarital sex, etc., etc.) I encourage them to be adamant that this is just not true. The church does not “force” us to do anything. There is no “coffee police” knocking at our doors making sure we haven’t had our morning cup of java. The church offers teaching, guidance and its interpretation of how God wants us to live. We choose for ourselves if we want to believe these teachings and then follow through with the correlating behavior. Now for youth this is more complicated because their parents may indeed be enforcing certain rules and regulations as part of living in their home. However, that will eventually come to an end and each individual will have to choose for themselves the course they want to set their lives upon. The doctrinal teachings surrounding free agency and its purposes are paramount in these conversations.
I do want to make clear that although some homosexual couples do find long-lasting relationships, this is not the norm within the homosexual community. Unfortunately this population finds itself in a culture of accepted sexual promiscuity that promotes individualized sexual pleasure instead of monogamy. I think members who decide to live the gay lifestyle have hopes that they will be able to mimic a Mormon marriage by finding someone to share their lives with and find some way to raise a family (whether through adoption or artificial means). I just want to make clear that most people I know in this situation have not found this to be the case.
I believe it is completely acceptable to be a part of the ceremonies and rituals that your friends find important in their lives (i.e. funerals, weddings, etc.). We would not balk at attending a heterosexual wedding not held in the temple, although it is not the doctrinal ideal. We also would attend a baptism of another faith if invited. I know that some LDS parents have even attended gay rallies with their children to show their support of something that is important to them and in attempts of reaching out. It is through these moments that we celebrate and grieve with our loved ones. The main doctrinal teachings you are espousing in these situations are love, mercy, empathy and tolerance.
I think you are more confident in defending God’s laws than you give yourself credit for. The main law of God that you are defending has less to do with homosexual doctrine and more with the most central commandment we have been given: to love one another. The scriptures are so clear on this subject.

A new commandment I give unto you, That ye love one another; as I have loved you, that ye also love one another. John 13:34
By this shall men know that ye are my disciples, if ye have love one to another. John 13:35
This is my commandment, That ye love one another, as I have loved you. John 15:12
These things I command you, that ye love one another. John 15:17
Be kindly affectioned one to another with brotherly love; in honour preferring one another; Romans 12:10
Owe no man any thing, but to love one another: for he that loveth another hath fulfilled the law. Romans 13:8
For, brethren, ye have been called unto liberty; only use not liberty for an occasion to the flesh, but by love serve one another. Galatians 5:13
With all lowliness and meekness, with long suffering, forbearing one another in love; Ephesians 4:2
And the Lord make you to increase and abound in love one toward another, and toward all men, even as we do toward you: 1 Thessalonians 3:12
But as touching brotherly love ye need not that I write unto you; for ye yourselves are taught of God to love one another. 1 Thessalonians 4:9
And let us consider one another to provoke unto love and to good works. Hebrews 10:24
See that ye love one another with a pure heart fervently: 1 Peter 1:22
Finally, be ye all of one mind, having compassion one of another, love as brethren, be pitiful, be courteous: 1 Peter 3:8
For this is the message that ye heard from the beginning, that we should love one another. 1 John 3:11
And this is his commandment, That we should believe on the name of his Son Jesus Christ, and love one another, as he gave us commandment. 1 John 3:23
Beloved, let us love one another; for love is of God; and every one that loveth is born of God, and knoweth God. 1 John 4:7
Beloved, if God so loved us, we ought also to love one another. 1 John 4:11
No man hath seen God at any time. If we love one another, God dwelleth in us, and his love is perfected in us. 1 John 4:12
And now I beseech thee, lady, not as though I wrote a new commandment unto thee, but that which we had from the beginning, that we love one another. 2 John 1:5

By offering your friendship, prayers and love to these women, you are following this basic yet central command. We know that the road to eventual missionary work, change of heart, change of behavior, even repentance – it all starts with the concept of love. Whether one loving another pricks change, or loving oneself enough to want something better. Love is the answer. And you, my friend, are going about your Father’s business by providing this. You are sowing seeds and opening doors you may never fully understand or see fulfilled in this life. God speed!

Very good post. Thank you.

You’re welcome!