What should I do? My husband is homosexual – part 2.

He talked with the Bishop several years ago. He also continued therapy and then quit b/c of finances. And since then, we have moved several times. So, no one at this point “knows” all. I find myself on an emotional roller coaster. Sometimes, I contemplate divorce. But most of the time, I have accepted loneliness. I do try and take “me” time, but it is few and far between. Awhile ago, I mentioned that I would like to start therapy, he shrugged it off and told me I didn’t need it…. And so now, I feel unsupported in going. I know I need to though. When this all began, I saw a counselor and felt very “beaten up” because she criticized my thoughts and feelings. I felt betrayed and she told me that I was not truly betrayed but misled. I have confided in the Bishop that all is not well, but have told him that I don’t feel I can talk about problems that are not mine. I don’t know how often he indulges in pornography. We don’t talk. And when we do talk, it is about trivial matters or the children. The conversations ended when I found he continued the pornography and continually talked about his “attractions”. He began to shut me out and I have definitely shut him out. I understand that I have created some of “our” problems… I have lost my bottom line. I feel quite trapped…. like this is one of many trials in my life that I am just going to have to handle…. and therefore, marital and certainly sexual happiness is only in the eternities. Or?

Here are some thoughts to your response:

• This IS your problem; not just your husband’s. Once you join in matrimony you become a team. And what one does or is involved with automatically affects the other (whether intended or not).
• You sound like you are accepting a stance where you are acted upon, instead of taking action. It is time to take action! You are right when you say that this is a trial that has come into your life for whatever reason. And yes, you can handle it. I hope you handle it actively instead of passively. It is time to empower yourself! You are a daughter of God who has many talents and who has borne much with strength. Use these gifts to begin a different more productive journey.
  
• Both marital and even sexual happiness are possibilities, as remote as they may seem right now. But they are not just going to happen on their own – especially in this complex situation. They will require huge amounts of work. But if you both want to stay married, you need to know that happiness is possible and necessary.
  

Here are some courses of action I recommend:

• You need to first of all decide whether or not you want to attempt to stay married. It sounds like you do since you are describing the process of “enduring to the end.” It also sounds like your husband is not making any moves towards separation. Whether or not you stay married, I still offer the following recommendations that should help you take an active stance and grow as a couple. You are forever joined at least in the relationship of coparents and so you need to figure out your relationship together on some functional level.
• It is not up to your husband whether or not you choose to enter therapy. It is up to you! You can invite him to attend but you can’t force him to go. Regardless of his choice, you can go. And you can go to a marriage friendly therapist and explain that even though you are attending individually at the moment, your goal is to try to stay married. It is important to communicate this to your therapist because research finds that people who attend individual therapy because of marital problems more often than not end up divorced. Individual therapy tends to focus on individual needs, not the needs of the system as a whole. A good “systems” family therapist would be your best choice. AAMFT.org is a good referral source. Also in the book Divorce Busting by Michelle Weiner-Davis, there is a great chapter called “It takes one to tango” which addresses how an individual can start marital work even when a spouse is not willing to join the process.
• If you want your ultimate goal to be a closer more intimate relationship with your spouse, you will have to prepare yourself to listen to him. And listening to the things he is struggling with will be difficult. However, you cannot engender trust, friendship or even forgiveness if you cannot listen to his experience. It might help to imagine the pain and shame he has more than likely encountered since pre-adolescence. This problem started for him way before you came into his life. He more than likely feels less than worthy, he probably struggles with his self-esteem, his testimony, his relationship with God and is probably enveloped with shame. I am sure he also feels unfulfilled, confused and unhappy. Can you look at him for a moment through a different lens? Maybe not as his wife, but as his friend? As a fellow human being? As the father of your children? As someone you want the best for? As our Father in Heaven might look upon him? I know you are angry and feeling betrayed by him. That is perfectly normal. Being willing to listen does not mean that you are OK with his behaviors or with the hurt he has caused you. Being willing to listen does not mean you are ready to forgive him. However, being willing to listen might open different possibilities for you both.
• You should come up with an assertive, yet loving, statement that you prepare yourself to present to your husband. It should look something like this: “I know the last few years have been very difficult for both of us. I don’t pretend to understand what you are going through. I’m sure you don’t understand what I’m going through. I want to stay married to you. However, I cannot live in our relationship as is any longer. I plan to attend counseling and would like you to join me. Whether or not you choose to come with me will not stop me from going. We need professional help. I refuse to offer up this marriage as a model to our children as to how a couple is supposed to solve problems. It is unfair to us both to continue this path of unhappiness; it is also unfair to them.”
• Speaking of children, I hope you are both not fooling yourselves in thinking that they are not aware of your problems. Children are incredibly savvy and almost creepily tuned in to the relationship of their parents. They may not know exactly what is wrong, but they know something is wrong. And of course, this produces unhappiness and anxiety for them. If nothing else motivates you to seek help, I hope this will. Statistically, children tend to follow in their parent’s example. The scriptures speak of this phenomenon often, specifically in the Book of Mormon where we see generations of Lamanites affected by their parent’s choices. The type of marriage and problem solving skills your children see growing up will more than likely be the type of marriage and problem solving skills they themselves will feel comfortable within as adults.
• If you do not have the funds to support professional help, do not be afraid to ask help from the church. Depending on your situation, your bishop may find it perfectly acceptable to help financially for this cause. These are some of the types of situations that fast offerings are meant for. Do not allow your pride or shame to stand in the way of getting the help you need. There are times when we need to serve and there are times when we need to accept service. This is a time to ask for help.
• I am sorry that your previous attempt at attaining professional services did not go well. Do not let that discourage you. It may take time to find the right fit, but there are many capable therapists that could help you in this situation. If you have similar feelings in future situations, make sure you communicate these directly with the therapist in question. Many times they are not even aware that this is how they are provoking you to feel.

I hope you can find encouragement in my advice. It is my only intention – to encourage you. Not to make you feel worse in any way. I hope that spirit is portrayed in my writings to you. May God be with you in your endeavor for happiness and hope. I strongly believe that you can achieve them.

I want to thank you for your advice and help. It has been a long road. You have confirmed and reiterated what I know I need to do. Thank you for your time and expertise. You have given me hope, albeit through work, that at some point I can have happiness. The therapist we saw years ago repeatedly warned that sexual happiness may never come and thus (amongst other reasons) I slipped into complacency~ fully realizing that I can never truly be complacent with this issue.
Thank you again… for your encouragement…. and hope.

You are very welcome. I wish you the very best. And know I am available through phone contact if you feel that would be a helpful option for you.