The Mormon Therapist
Hi, just found this blog via faceseast.org. About two years into my marriage, my husband began to have huge doubts. He now considers himself to be agnostic and he recently began drinking. I like your recommendation of finding a good therapist – I think it would be helpful for both of us. I wonder, though, how to do this. I don’t want to go through LDS family services (and don’t think he would be receptive to this). But how do I find someone who understands why drinking is a problem for me when most of the world accepts this as a completely normal behavior?
I am encouraged that you are willing to seek professional help and agree that marital therapy would be highly beneficial in your situation. Here are some thoughts:
- Finding a good therapist who is qualified and with whom you are BOTH comfortable with is crucial to your ultimate success. Therapy needs to be a place where both feel heard, validated, safe, challenged and encouraged. It is important that neither partner feel ganged up against. I tell my couples that there may be specific times when a person feels this way, especially if we are currently working on issues that relate more to one than to another. But if a person feels sided against session after session, then this becomes highly unproductive and should be addressed immediately.
- Some of what will make you feel comfortable with a therapist, is completely out of anyone’s control. Some examples include the gender of the therapist, the therapist’s personality traits, the therapist’s age or religious/personal background, their style/training regarding therapy, etc. But these can be important factors as to whether or not you feel comfortable and should be considered in making your choice.
- You may not find the right therapist the first time. If this is the case I hope you will not give up on the process but be persistent until you’re able to find the right fit.
- I can understand why your husband might be hesitant to see an LDS therapist since he might assume there is a hidden agenda underlying the treatment itself. This would not necessarily be the case, but if your husband has this bias then any pertinent challenge an LDS therapist would put forth to him could be easily dismissed. Most qualified therapists are trained to respect religious and spiritual values, regardless of their own personal background or biases. The main issue in your case is not so much the values themselves, but the fact that the assumed contract between you and your husband has changed. What you originally thought you signed up for, is no longer the case. Any good systems therapist would be able to identify and work with this issue.
- AAMFT (American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy) can be a good starting place to find a licensed therapist in your area who is specifically trained in doing couples work (it does have international resources as well as in the USA). It is important when seeking a therapist who is going to work with more than one person, that you make sure this person has been trained in seeing more than one person in their office at a time. Systems therapy training (which includes marital and family therapy) is very different from individual therapy training. Make sure you ask about the training background of the therapist you choose.
- Asking your physician, bishop, family or friends for referrals is another route to finding someone you can trust.
- It is important to be willing to take personal accountability throughout the therapy process. Although the ultimate goal of therapy is to achieve a better and healthier relationship, lifestyle, etc.; the process can sometimes be painful and challenging. Blaming the therapist at these times of productive discomfort is not useful to achieving the goals you set to begin with. Being comfortable with the therapist is important – but everyone entering therapy should understand that the therapist’s role includes challenging unproductive, incorrect or unethical behavior. Hopefully this is done in a way that the clients can respect and be open to.
- I am available through telephone consultations as well as video conferencing. Although I am LDS, I would want your husband to know that pushing the church agenda would not be my goal if you chose to speak with me. My goal would be to help the two of you reach the most potential you can as a couple and family unit.
Here are some suggestions taken from The Courage to Heal Workbook by Laura Davis:
“When you’re looking for a counselor, it’s helpful to take the attitude that you are a consumer making an informed choice about the person you’re hiring to work with you. Even though you’re seeking counseling to fill an emotional need, you are still paying for a service. Being a consumer gives you certain rights: the right to determine the qualities you want in your therapist, the right to choose a therapist who meets your needs, the right to be heard, believed, and treated with respect, the right to say no to any of the suggestions your therapist makes, the right to be satisfied by the services you’re receiving, the right to freely discuss any problems that arise in therapy with your counselor, and the right to end a therapy relationship that isn’t working for you.
“Thinking in terms of rights may be hard for you when you think about seeing a therapist. Many of us are intimidated by helping professionals. It’s easy to see them as the experts: We’re the ones in pain; they’re the ones with the answers. The fact is that you are the real authority on your life and on what you need. Although your relationship with your therapist may be tremendously significant to you, it is essential that you don’t relinquish all of your power in the counseling relationship. Remember that you are at the center of your life and your healing. A good counselor is one of the many resources you will use….
“You should make sure your prospective counselor: believes (your experience), never minimizes your experience or the pain it’s caused you…, doesn’t want to have a friendship with you outside of counseling, doesn’t talk about his or her personal problems, doesn’t want to have a sexual relationship with you, now or ever in the future, fully respects your feelings, doesn’t force you to do anything you don’t want to do, encourages you to build a support system outside of therapy, teaches you skills to take care of yourself, and is willing to discuss problems that occur in the therapy relationship.
“There are other things you may want in a counselor. You may want to see a counselor who is available for extra sessions or emergency phone calls. You may want to choose a man or a woman, a counselor who shares your race, ethnic background, religion, or sexual preference, or who has experience with another key issue in your life (alcoholism or disability, for instance)… Money may be a major factor in your decision; you may need a counselor who has a sliding fee scale or who can see you for free at a clinic…. Try to remain flexible, however, because you may have to compromise if you can’t find exactly what you want in your area…
“Call the therapists (you are considering seeing). Many counselors will give you ten or fifteen minutes of free time on the phone. Tell them you’d like to ask them a few questions. Then ask your most important ones. Discuss fees. If you like the way the person sounds and the cost is within your range, make an initial appointment, An initial appointment does not mean you’re making a commitment to an ongoing therapy relationship. You and the counselor are both checking each other out. If you’re not satisfied with the first person (or even think you might be), try one or two others so you can compare your reactions and feelings.
“At that first meeting, ask the prospective therapist your remaining questions. Observe the way you feel in the session. It’s not necessary that you feel good, or even relieved. You may be more stirred up after your session than before it. Effective counseling often leaves us feeling upset, anxious, angry, or uncomfortable. But you should feel that you’ve been listened to, respected, understood, and cared about.”
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