The Mormon Therapist
It was refreshing for me to read this perspective. As one that struggles with these issues in my marriage, I wholeheartedly agree. Note that it isn’t always the wife that lacks interest in intimacy- there are plenty of cases where the husband is the disinterested one
The ideal, I think, is for both spouses to view the marriage with similar importance and to have a healthy level of dependence on one another. But what happens when one spouse wants the relationship to grow, to develop, to be more intimate than a mere roommate, but the other spouse is perfectly content with little or no intimacy of any form?
It is painful to have a vision of a celestial, intimate marriage that the spouse apparently doesn’t share. Ultimately, all we can do is learn to love unconditionally, to develop patience, and to support the spouse as much as possible in their own interests. I do think that we should continue to believe in and strive for the ideal relationship and to hope and to help the spouse to catch the same vision, but we have to love regardless of the spouse’s response.
It is difficult to be upset and to love at the same time. I’m often upset, and this only enlarges the barrier between my wife and me. It is difficult to get past the initial reaction of being upset to focus on what will be more productive in the long run- love, forgiveness, patience, hope, etc.
It can be incredibly frustrating and painful when one feels unfulfilled sexually in one’s marriage. And although many people choose to stay in these types of marriages for a variety of valid reasons, it does not make it acceptable. It is not healthy or loving to ignore sexual needs within a marriage. I would hope that if you know your spouse’s needs are not being met (whether sexually or otherwise), you would be willing to address the issues at hand. In essence, this is one of the basic purposes of marriage: to teach us how to take the “other’s” needs into account in balance or even above our own. I know anger, resentment and bitterness due to past hurts are common reasons why people tend to give up. The frustration and pain can feel so high, that any issue seems insurmountable. I can attest to the fact that no issue is insurmountable!! It will take challenging work but it is always going to be a worthwhile effort to strive towards a better marital relationship. Feelings of pain, disappointment, anger, and even pride are not worth keeping around at the expense of a more meaningful relationship with your spouse. The concepts of forgiveness, the atonement, love, grace, example and eternal perspective can be incredibly useful gospel tools to help motivate us towards a more successful existence.
If you’re the one who IS willing to get help but can’t convince your spouse to go with you – get help anyway. Start with individual therapy, and hopefully your spouse will join you sometime during the process.
One thing I always like to remind couples about is the concept of edification. Many times in our attempts to protect ourselves from hurt feelings and even legitimate complaints, we approach our significant other in a way that only serves to tear down. “In order to lift myself I must tear you down.” We don’t do this consciously necessarily but it is a basic human tendency that feeds our own egos and perceived self-esteems. Unfortunately it usually has the opposite effect we are wanting. Can we ask ourselves in every interaction we have with our spouse, “Am I tearing him/her down or am I using this opportunity to edify him/her?” I think people will be astounded at the results once this simple-in-theory-but-complicated-in-action concept is applied. It’s amazing how different a spouse may be capable of looking at your side of things when not feeling attacked, belittled, nagged at, disrespected, etc. It truly is an acquired skill to be able to assertively express one’s needs and even hurt feelings without leaving the other person feeling like dirt.
1 Thessalonians 5:11 “Wherefore comfort yourselves together, and edify one another.”
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