What about husbands who try to communicate this and have been threatened with divorce? I read of a man who stays in the marriage for his kids, but lives in a nightmare with his wife. (Sir John on StrengtheningMarriage.com/blog. Help for stranded husbands). He loves her of course. But from what I read, I wonder if it is healthy?
It seems that from what he writes, his marriage is all give and he is never allowed to take.
People threaten divorce for a myriad of issues usually relating to the fact(s) that:
- they feel trapped or backed into a corner so it feels like a powerful option,
- they are hurt/angry and feel justified in hurting back,
- they hope that this threat will force the spouse to stop/change certain behaviors, and/or
- they are truly considering the option of divorce and legitimately want to get out of the relationship.
It is not appropriate to threaten or even discuss the possibility of divorce for any reasons other than the fact that it has become a legitimate option that either spouse is considering. All of the other reasons for bringing up the “D” word just cause anxiety, stress, hurt feelings and a pivotal break down in the lines of communication which are desperately needed to solve problems. Almost always, threatening divorce causes more problems than it can ever solve.
Therefore, if a husband/wife wants to have a discussion regarding sexual needs/desires/etc. (which is already an ultra sensitive topic to begin with), and the spouse comes back with a threat to divorce – all that is being accomplished is the deepening of a negative cycle where couple communication is not safe or productive. This makes it much less likely for communication regarding these issues to be addressed positively in the future. Resentment, bitterness, hurt feelings all increase. And the cycle continues. So, NO, this is not a healthy state to maintain a relationship. However, divorce is not usually a healthy option either. The couple ultimately should be working towards solving these problems. Some things that can be said include: “I am sorry that my wanting to talk about this issue brings up the possibility of our marriage ending in divorce. This is not my desire. I want to be able to discuss this with you in a way where we both feel heard and where we can both feel safe and validated. Maybe the way I talk about this leaves you feeling threatened or dismissed. I want to be open to changing too. However, your threatening divorce is not going to stop me from trying to continue to work towards resolving these issues between us. I love you and I love myself enough to try to work forward. I think we could use some outside resources like therapy to help us.”
It is never a good time to just give up and try to settle with what we have. The gospel offers us continual teaching regarding the concept of progression – and that no matter where we find ourselves in our lives, we always have the possibility and even duty to attempt to better ourselves and our relationships. It is important to remember that gospel teachings are ALWAYS meant to increase happiness – not guilt.
Staying together for the sake of children is a good place to start. Children offer a motivation force. I would also hope, however, that children can offer the motivation to seek positive change. Statistically, children often marry into relationships that mimic the patterns/cycles that were role modeled by the parents. So, unless you want your children to also not be able to have sexual satisfying lives within their marriages, staying together in of itself is not enough. It is uncanny how these patterns repeat, even if they were never discussed openly and even when both parents and children are not necessarily aware that they both dealt or are dealing with similar issues.
I also want to reiterate that a person can work on their marriage even if their spouse refuses to do so. Getting help through individual therapy (with a marriage-friendly therapist), self-help books, your bishop, etc. can begin the process of change and communicate to the “other” that one is serious about getting things resolved one way or the other.
The Mormon Therapist
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