The Mormon Therapist
Let me try to answer your suggestions (which I thought were very insightful):
If I was working with you I would want to know the following:
* Are you aware of the reasons your wife has made this decision (i.e. is she mad at you, low self-esteem, is this doctrinal for her, etc.)?
Once our last child was conceived, she came to me and said she didn’t want to be intimate any more. I asked why. She said she didn’t like and, again, claimed that many of her friends had done the same to their husbands. I’ve never been able to get beyond that. She has always refused to discuss it further. I’ve tried over and over and over . .
* Did you two always struggle with your physical intimacy?
No. That is the weirdest part. We had a healthy relationship before this. At the time, I thought it had something to do with the pregnancy.
* Did she EVER enjoy physical intimacy with you?
Yes. I’m confident she experienced pleasure. She was even the initiator at times.
* Was there ever a time when sex was good for both of you?
Yes. Before the ultimatum.
* What was your dating experience with her like?
Lots of fun. We did a lot of things together. Enjoyed each others company.
* What other items of conflict are going on between the two of you?
Her family has always been a point of stress. Typical financial pressures.
* When did you both really begin to struggle within the marriage? What changed?
I really don’t know.
* What did the marriages of both of your parents look like?
Mine — parents very committed & loving.
Hers — father was abusive to all.
* Did sex start the problems or did other problems start affecting the sex?
Since I’m not sure what the trigger was I really don’t know how to answer that.
* Are there issues you need to ask forgiveness for in the marriage? If so, would you be willing taking into account the feelings of resentment you currently have?
This is really the big one.
* What are your reasons for currently staying married?
Children. Stability. Shame.
- There is a lack of openness and honesty in this relationship, which does not fall under the realm of a “functional marriage.” You don’t seem to know the answers to many of these questions and that is concerning. This means that the lines of communication are hampered at this point of your relationship, and in order for things to get better, both partners need to be willing to address this.
- There is a possibility of past sexual abuse you may not know about. Many people who have been abused in this way unfortunately never break the patterns of silence and shame. It can feel too overwhelming of an option. The other possibility that is not addressed as frequently is that of repressed memories. This means that she, herself, may have repressed memories of any abuse that took place (does not remember them) as a means of self protection. If this is the case, it complicates things and problems have less chances of being resolved. FYI: the subject of repressed memories has been controversial in the psychology field.
- You bring up the fact that your wife was raised in a home where there was an abusive authority figure. The implications and lasting effects of such a childhood environment should never be underestimated. Two things mainly stick out for people who have dealt with any type of abuse growing up: 1. If the wounds, anxiety, tension have not been able to heal, they are now seeping through to current relationships. Many times people think “geez, it’s been years – aren’t they over that by now.” The unfortunate reality is that if feelings of this sort have gone repressed or not dealt with, they can actually resurface around several adult stages of development. Some face them as they leave home for missions, college or marriage. They are finally out of the home and have a better ability to see things as they were. Others face them as they begin to have children: this developmental stage causes a lot of rethinking about life, the meaning of life, and revisiting our own childhoods. Still further others face them at middle age because our youthful, “conquer the world” abilities we feel in our early 20s followed by the busy life of starting careers and families in the 20s and 30s protected us from having to face things earlier. Some feel them more during the “empty nest” stage when children leave the home, and again there is a lot more time to ponder and think back. Finally, some are faced with these feelings as an elderly person dealing with issues of mortality and what their lives have shaped out to be. So issues of abuse can pop up at all different stages of life, and often more than once. 2. When people grew up in abusive homes, at some level this is what they became comfortable with. It is important to delineate between the term “comfortable” and the term “like.” You don’t have to like something to be comfortable with it. If the role of one’s parents was to bicker, fight, have tension, not be close, not have intimacy, not communicate, etc. then it can feel uncomfortable, weird or even unconsciously disloyal to experience something healthier. This becomes then an unconscious drive that gets in the way of healthier relationships with spouses and even children. This is part of why we see people repeating very self-destructive patterns such as addiction, domestic violence, etc. The willingness to become self-aware and do therapy work centered around generational and personal issues can usually be beneficial to people dealing with these types of backgrounds. What gets in the way are self-defense mechanisms that may be in place from early childhood and offer a sense of safety and protection (even if false).
- There is more than likely a friend or group of friends who are influencing this decision.
- Your wife sounds like she is getting her emotional needs met outside of the marriage. By doing this she is keeping her physical needs at bay and able to function without taking your needs into account. Although she is probably managing emotionally by doing this, it is not how best to keep a marriage functional.
- There is a probability that she is allowing strict culturally religious interpretation of sex being only used for the conception of children. Although this view is not supported by gospel doctrine, it still has a lot of conservative religious support that has been around for centuries.
- I am not understanding your response regarding there being issues you need to ask forgiveness for? I’m assuming this is a “yes”? Being willing to do your part and not falling into a blame game with your wife is equally important to your success.
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