The Mormon Therapist
I recently discovered you and I have been enjoying reading through your site. I have a problem that I’m not sure has been addressed here (at least not in the way I’m currently experiencing it!).
I was married in the temple to a return missionary. He was raised in the Church and I was a convert (of 4 years at the time of our marriage). Before our marriage my husband sat me down and made sure that I understood that marriage to him meant that activity in the Church was non-negotiable. He didn’t want me waking up “10 years from now and deciding that you don’t want to go to church.” I assured him that raising my children in the gospel and remaining faithful was what I agreed to when I was baptized and it would remain my goal.
Fast forward 16 years. My husband comes to me and says he has some doubts about the Church and would I like to join him on his “path of discovery?” Almost four years later my husband is inactive, does not believe in the Church (in fact has real anger towards the church in several areas – mostly all the “lies” he was told by parents, church leaders etc), and does not believe in God. He has not asked me to stop attending (but thinks I’m “a very intelligent individual and is confused as to why I still believe”).
The biggest problem is that he feels it “dishonest” of him not to tell his children “the truths” he has discovered. He really, really does not want our children being taught the gospel. The problem is my kids are 7, 12, 16 and 17 years old! They have already been taught the gospel!!! He hasn’t talked to them (other than a conversation with my oldest two) because he seems to want my permission to tell them what he believes. I understand that as their father he has the right to tell them his beliefs but I worry about what it will do to their relationship with him. They are already angry and disappointed in their father and his change of beliefs. They are angry at me for “letting him” leave the church. I fear that if I give my “permission” they will be even more angry at me – but if I don’t, I risk more anger from my husband.
I feel trapped between my kids and my husband. How do you handle a spouse who is inactive and kids who love the Church and have already established (albeit young and growing) testimonies?
- You cannot allow your children to blame you for the choices of their father. It is time to have a very direct conversation with them regarding the doctrinal teachings of “free agency” and how this very concept is affecting you as a family in the here and now. What does the term “free agency” mean? How was the world set up by Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ? Were people going to be forced to accept the gospel or were they going to be allowed to choose for themselves? Etc., etc.
- Your children will be faced with beliefs that counter their own eventually. The sad thing for you, is that this experience is now coming from their own father (a figure you thought you could count on to give a united message regarding the gospel). However, it does not change the fact that sooner or later your children are going to come across different beliefs and teachings than their own. Therefore, this provides you an opportunity to be there first hand with thoughts, feelings and behaviors that your children can use as an example of how to deal with these issues when they come up. They can still observe you respecting their father, they can observe you loving their father, they can observe you listening to and being respectful of his opinions, they can observe you standing up for your beliefs and convictions, they can observe you live the gospel and go about your church activities, etc., etc. This is the most powerful thing you have up your sleeve: your example. Through your example you will be able to teach the principles of tolerance, brotherly love, service and gratitude. It may not always feel good to take this route. It may feel lonely at times. It may not be what you imagined your life with your husband to be like. But it IS power. And there is nothing stopping you from still enjoying many facets of your marriage and family life.
- In the conversation you have with your husband, I hope you respectfully remind him of the request he once put on your shoulders: that of always being true to your faith. Ask him to remember how important this was to him once upon a time, and then ask him to consider that this is still just as important to you now. Ask him to recall how brokenhearted he would have been back then if you had betrayed that promise, and be upfront with your feelings now regarding his having betrayed your trust. Be willing to discuss your fears with him, especially when it comes to the effects you are seeing with your children. Ask him what his fears are, and be willing to listen.
- It is important for you and your husband to be able to sit down, discuss, and write down the many things you are still in agreement about – especially when it comes to rearing your family. “Just because your father and I no longer agree on religious principles, it does not mean that we are not united. We still both agree that it is important to be good people, be kind to others, be well-read and educated, that the rules in our home need to followed, that you should respect your teachers, etc., etc.” Make this list as long as possible and continually add to it. It will help you not only as parents, but also as husband and wife to see the many things you still share in common. If you fail to do this, your kids will eat you alive. Every time struggle or challenge comes up, they will throw this issue up in your face and call you hypocrites, liars, etc. etc. Kids will try to get by the limits that have been placed for them – this is actually part of normal development. If the two parents are unable to form a united stance to keep the limits clear and delineated, the kids will win out – ruining the structure that is most healthy for any family (especially the kids themselves): parents at the head with children lovingly and respectfully below ranks.
- When it comes to the things you disagree about, come to an agreement first as spouses, as to how you plan to discuss these issues. It’s imperative that the two of you be as comfortable as possible with what you share with your kids. Compromise will undoubtedly be necessary, but more important than what you actually TELL your kids is what you SHOW your kids. So do this in a way where the children can see that although you disagree, you are still being respectful of one another. “This is what your father thinks, this is what your mother thinks – but guess what: we are still a family, we still love each other, and we all still live in this house.”
- Don’t doubt your level of intelligence. There are extremely intelligent people who are religious believers (believers of things that require faith, are unseen or unproven) and there are extremely intelligent people who are not. It is human nature to assume that “I know best,” “my way must be the right way,” and to struggle when those around us don’t align with what we think we see or understand. “How can you NOT see what is so clear to me!” We see this process taking place in not only religion but philosophy, politics, scientific theory, debate, etc. Once we think we have it all figured out, it’s hard to have the patience or the ability to see things from another’s perspective (even as LDS members we struggle with this). Unfortunately this inability to reach out to or at least look at the other side (I’m not implying that we must join it or agree with it) keeps us isolated or polarized from people who don’t have our own belief systems. I’m sure at one time, your husband found it hard to believe people would not accept the gospel. Now he can’t fathom how others still believe IN it. It’s important for all of us to be willing to contend that it is possible to see things, understand things, and make sense of things in very different ways than other people, other cultures, and even other family members. It is only then that productive conversation can take place.
- You and your husband may never see eye to eye on the subject of religion again. And this will most definitely pose a challenge to you both. The challenge is: how do we continue to make our family and our marriage the most important things in our lives? In my opinion – these ARE the most important things for you both. Keeping this belief upfront and center will be the pivotal thing that will keep you married, happy and successful as a couple and as the parents to your children.
- I recommend you read the following post: Do you have any suggestions on how I can soften his heart? All of the recommendations I list in that post apply to your situation as well.
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