The Mormon Therapist
This is the first time I’ve seen someone address this situation– thank you! My spouse was married before and so he had all his ‘firsts’ with his ex. I waited to have mine with him.
I’ve felt pretty ripped off because all the fun of discovery etc. was old hat to him and he wasn’t that interested in making it all special for ME. I’ve been married 13 years and it still bugs me.
We are well matched in terms of frequency and desire but I do resent that she got the best of him and for the rest of my life, I get the leftovers. It sucks that I saved a precious gift (which was NOT easy for me) for a man who didn’t really value it anyway.
You’re welcome! I’m glad this blog is addressing issues that you find useful.
I’m concerned that an issue you had very little control over (other than the fact that you agreed to marry a man you knew had been previously married) is causing so much sadness and resentment in your sexual relationship with your husband. And maybe this is even affecting other areas of your lives together?
I’d like to challenge some of your thoughts so that hopefully you can move to a more intimate stance with your spouse in the future:
- First of all, I do not agree that your husband’s ex-wife “got the best of him.” Yes, they shared sexual intimacy but they also must have shared a lot of heartache and dispute if they ended up divorced. Your relationship is different and unique from his first marriage – and why was he “better” then? Does his “best” only encapsulate his virginity? I think not. His best may yet be ahead of you both. As we mature and age, we hopefully become more tolerant, loving and understanding – having learned from our mistakes. And as we become more comfortable with ourselves both emotionally and physically, the sex can get much better as well.
- The fact that you were able to save yourself sexually for your marriage is a wonderful achievement that is, more than anything, for the purpose of your own personal joy, happiness and relationship with God. Yes, spouses also benefit from having their partners come into the relationship chaste, but primarily it’s about you. Regardless of what state your spouse entered the marriage, you will always benefit from blessings promised you for keeping yourself morally clean. You’ve saved yourself from much psychological and emotional sorrow. You’ve allowed your life to be less complicated.
- The fact that you speak of your husband as a “leftover” is somewhat disrespectful. Just because he has had previous sexual experience, it does not make him any less worthy or any less of a beloved son of God. I don’t think this is how our Father in Heaven would think of your husband. Plus, it minimizes the grand possibilities the atonement offers in both his and your life. We all make mistakes. We all have regrets. But we are not leftovers. The atonement allows for new ingredients to be mixed, new recipes to be cooked, and new, delectable entrees to be reveled in.
- You bring up a good point in that people who have been sexually active previous to their current marriage with a different partner (regardless of the circumstance) need to come into the new relationship willing to discuss the implications and feelings surrounding this topic – especially when the other has had little to no sexual experience. Sexual exploration and communication should still be very much “on the table” and enjoyable for both. It is limiting and inappropriate to say, “Well, I’ve tried that before and I really don’t want to try that with you.”
- You should both be “invested” in making love-making/sex a time of bonding, a time of mutual respect, a time of love and admiration, a time of compliments, a time of fun, a time of passion, a time of pleasure.
I would hope that you can begin to have a very open conversation with your husband about this issue, being honest about your feelings – especially since it’s been bothering you so long and you felt non-valued. If it doesn’t go well with just the two of you, I would highly recommend some sessions with a marital and/or sex therapist. I would expect you would not need a lot of time in therapy, but a few sessions (3-4) might do the both of you some good. Good luck! Remember that Heavenly Father doesn’t want either one of you wallowing in past sorrows – it’s much brighter, exciting and productive to look around in the “now” and forward to the magnificent potential you share as a couple. The best is definitely ahead!
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