The Mormon Therapist
Thank you for your suggestions– it is so helpful to have a place like this where one can voice concerns and get reasonable, grounded feedback.
In my opinion, our communication is severely lacking. It is easiest for me to communicate via writing, so that is what I usually do. But then I expect some kind of response, and most often there is none. I would love to increase our dialogue, but for years now I have been ineffective at doing this. I am much more passive than she is, so it is very difficult for me to confront her or to “push” a discussion that she does not seem to want to have. We just have such different perspectives. I want to be deliberate- to sit down and talk about issues directly. She wants to chit chat. I never quite now how to steer a discussion to these issues that weigh so heavily on my mind, so that’s where they remain- in my mind. If you have any ideas on how we begin to discuss our relationship when these discussions have been virtually non-existent, please let me know.
I also agree that revisiting and clarifying our expectations is key.
About courting, no, we rarely do anything alone these days. Again, this comes partly back to my passiveness and her being more outspoken. I have tried to suggest that we begin dating regularly, but in the absence of an enthusiastic response, it is very easy for me to conclude that this isn’t important to her. We would benefit from this, but again, I don’t really have enough confidence to suggest that we go to dinner (or whatever) when she has never expressed interest when I have made suggestions like this in the past.
Your final suggestion is also very valid. I would say that I do rely too heavily on my spouse for my sense of self esteem. For the most part, I am so heavily focused on getting out of this rut that it becomes fairly all consuming for me. For some reason I can only see this as an either/or alternative: either I focus on these issues and trying to improve our relationship, or I withdraw completely, shut down, and focus on something else. I can’t seem to find a more balanced approach where this is still important to me yet I can find enough fulfillment and happiness elsewhere that lack of progress with my marriage isn’t overwhelming.
- For men who tend to be the passive or quieter type in a marriage I tend to encourage them to reclaim their traditional and masculine role of wooer. Think back on how you got this woman to fall in love with you to begin with. What was your strategy? What made you successful? Were you passive then? Regardless, it’s time to “man-up” (and I say this with a smile on my face – I’m really not trying to sound sexist). There is something very powerful about the traditional male role of romantic pursuer and the female role of feeling pursued. It is powerful for both the man and the woman in this scenario. When is the last time you sent your wife flowers? Wrote her a love note? Dedicated a song to her or made her a CD with songs that remind you of her? These may sound like cheesy ideas, but they can go a long way in the romance department of your lives. Another area many men don’t realize can be highly romantic for women (especially women who stay at home with children all day long) is to offer practical help. It’s amazing how powerful it can be to offer help in the kitchen, cook a meal, clean a bathroom, change diapers, etc. Some men are really good about sharing these types of more menial tasks while others are not. Some women are so bogged down by this type of work that resentment is brewing many times with the husband not even knowing about it. “What can I do to help?” can go a long way towards increased intimacy. Start dating!!!! If you have kids, hire the babysitter yourself. Get everything set up. Let her know that she needs to set a particular evening aside – you have made surprise plans. Then take her out for a dinner or some other setting where you can talk (ideally no movies). Have this first time be only a “positive” night – in other words, don’t use this precious time to discuss problems or disappointments. Think through the many positives you want to talk to her about – things you love about your life together, strengths you see in her, things you love about her (including physical attributes), where do you see each other in five years, ask her what her aspirations are, what would she like to accomplish or what dreams does she have, etc., etc. Let her know that you want to start doing this more often, that you enjoy her company, that you want to know more about her, and that you want to work on bettering your relationship. If anything, apologize for any weaknesses on your own part (i.e. “I’m sorry if my behavior has ever left you feeling inadequate. That has never been my intention and I don’t want you feeling that way. I want to be the husband you need. I may need some help knowing what that looks like for you.”) When we build the other person up, take responsibility for our own role in things, and apologize it opens up a new dialogue, allows for the other to be less defensive and therefore, more capable of also owning up to their own weaknesses. Plan these dates at least every other week (if you’re not used to going out at all, every week may seem overwhelming and you can work up to that). Once you’re going out more regularly then you can lovingly and respectfully start discussing what you see as some of the challenges the two of you are facing and invite her input on this as well. Print out an agenda for the evening (in a fun sort of way) and have that help you stay on track – although chit-chat is important too.
- As far as how to do this, I would want you to be able to tell your wife everything you have told me. Pour out your heart and soul. Holding back is just another form of dishonesty and like you mentioned, affects your relationship anyway. Do this using “I statements.” For example, “You make me feel unimportant when you prioritize your friends over me” sounds different than “I feel unimportant in your life when I feel like you prioritize your friends over me.” “You make me” are never productive words to start a sentence. “I feel” allows for discussion. In other words, she may not think that she is prioritizing her friends over you – but she can’t dispute the fact that you feel this way. And your feeling this way may or may not be tied to the reality of the situation. So on both sides, it allows for a give and take – and ultimately a discussion versus an attack followed by a defense. Body language is also important: keeping good eye contact, being gentle with your voice level (raising our voice starts the defense mechanism we all so quickly turn to) , unscrunching our facial expression (when we’re upset we usually scrunch), reaching out to her physically by holding her hand. I like to have couples in session address each other directly – I have them face each other and have their knees touching or something that allows for proximity. When we approach our spouse in this fashion it allows for the emotion to come through and the intimacy to grow.
- As part of your new “taking charge” role, I would highly recommend for you to present a case to your wife for attending marital therapy together. Do your research (find out availability, cost, different therapists in your area, childcare, etc.), tell her you feel this is an important step for the two of you to make at this time and then invite her to join you. Invite her input as to what would make this an easier step for her to make.
- Expect some resistance. All change is difficult, even positive change. Don’t allow what you perceive as resistance on her part to stop your efforts. See this as a normal reflex rather than a personal attack.
- Choose a personal hobby or interest to start focusing on immediately. Finding something you love and spending time doing it will help you feel better about yourself, it will help balance where you get personal satisfaction, it will heighten your self-esteem and it will help you feel happier. Quite frankly, you will be more enjoyable to be around.
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