How can I change my perception to recognize my wife’s love for me?

I was very interested in reading the September 2009 Ensign article titled “Fidelity in Marriage.”

I have the tendency to be critical of my wife’s many friendships (not of the opposite sex) and to feel that her choices to invest much more time and energy in other relationships have been somewhat unfaithful and have led to neglect of our relationship. At the same time, I realize that these negative, critical thoughts of mine are also somewhat unfaithful to her and can easily lead to more unproductive ideas.

I find that my thoughts and attitudes are most often a reflection or a response to my perception of others (such as my wife). So if I perceive her as someone that cares about me, wants to be with me, and is interested in strengthening our relationship, I can easily reciprocate and try to convey those same things to my wife. Most often this is not my perception though, and thus the frequent struggle with the negative thoughts.

How can I develop an ability to have positive, kind, and loving thoughts independent of my normal perceptions (instead of as a response)? Or, if that isn’t realistic, how can I change my perception to recognize my wife’s love for me (that will then lead to my having more loving thoughts of my own)?

I can try to be open to the possibility that my usual perceptions are completely wrong, but realistically, these perceptions are ingrained over several years, so without a change in some part of the equation, I don’t have much confidence that my perceptions (or anything) will change. And the thought of not being able to produce any change or to feel any sense of progress is a little depressing….Any ideas?

It is a hard balance to prioritize correctly the many relationships and responsibilities we have in our adult lives. This balance is further complicated with the fact that individuals differ in personality and emotional needs. Some are outgoing, social and extroverted while others are more introspective, quiet and prefer to stay to themselves. Therefore, the range of what can be considered “appropriate behavior” when it comes to outside interests in a marriage is vast. However, there are times when people do legitimately cross the “appropriate” line and are no longer prioritizing their marriage correctly. The article you point to discusses for instance the development of “emotional affairs.” These can happen when individuals get their emotional needs met primarily outside of their spousal relationship and therefore, can hinder the intimacy and growth the marriage experiences. In worst case scenarios, these emotional affairs can lead to a more serious physical/sexual affair and the deterioration of the primary relationship. Of course, not all needs can or should be met in a marriage alone – so again, it is a balancing act.

You don’t give me sufficient information regarding your wife’s social behaviors for me to give concrete feedback as to whether or not she is out of line. However, the fact that you are feeling unloved or unprioritized is a problem regardless. Here are some thoughts you should consider:

• Communicate, communicate, communicate! I hope you have been able to verbalize your feelings to your wife in a way that is neutral. In other words, yelling at her in anger “you don’t love me anymore!!” doesn’t count. Communicating your feelings can be done in both oral and/or written form, should be done respectfully and should be done in a way that your wife will feel edified, not attacked. “You are such an incredible woman with so many strengths. No wonder you attract so many friends! I love that about you. Unfortunately, sometimes I feel left out of your life because you are so busy. Sometimes I even doubt your love for me. Do you understand why I would feel this way? Do you think I’m being unreasonable? How can we work on this – both of us together? Are there things that you need me to do differently? What, if anything, is bothering you? Do I make my love for you apparent?” It can be a good strategy to have these types of conversations over dinner at a quiet restaurant so that things stay civil and more business-like.
• Revisit together the expectations you both had back when you first got married as far as what you’re lives would look like. In what ways have you met or even exceeded these expectations? In what ways have you not? Were your expectations similar or different – in what ways?
• Ask your wife directly to share with you the ways she thinks she shows her love for you. It is interesting that we all have different “love languages” that greatly affect how we perceive another’s actions. For example, a wife is expecting flowers for her birthday because she is a “gift-language” person, meanwhile her husband has just mowed the lawn and is planning a special meal because he is an “action-language” person. Both are left feeling gipped when the other “just doesn’t get it!” The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman might be an interesting read for you to pick up.
• Are you continually courting your wife? Are you taking advantage of the counsel regarding weekly dating, do you write her love letters, send her flowers or participate in other loving gestures that help her feel your love? The weekly date I think is of utmost importance – and I highly encourage couples to make sure that at least two of these a month are just one-on-one (not group activities). In our hectic schedules of today, this can sometimes be the only time a couple has uninterrupted time to really talk and enjoy the other’s company. I also encourage couples not to make these constant movie nights (no talking happening there). A walk, a picnic, a dinner, or even just going out for dessert can be much more beneficial.
• If you are in a pursuer/distancer pattern of interaction, I encourage you to find new ways of relating. Sometimes when one pursues too heavily, it can lead to the other needing space and distance. If you’re the one who continually starts the conversation, seeks her physical proximity, follows her to other rooms of the home, etc. etc. stop and give her a chance to breathe. Many times when pursuers deal with their anxiety long enough to take a step back, it allows for a different dynamic to occur. All of a sudden the distancer is left wondering where the other one is and will go on a hunt to find them. And oala! The dance for that moment has changed. This may take several days to occur – so the biggest setback is dealing with the anxiety. Try it out – you might be surprised with the results.
• Are you well-developed as an individual or would you say you rely greatly on your spouse for your own self-esteem? In other words, do you have your own friends, hobbies, interests, etc. that help you feel fulfilled on an individual level. Many times we can rely too heavily on our better halves for our own happiness and fulfillment.