The Mormon Therapist
I need some help explaining something to my husband. Ever since we have gotten married, we have been close in location with a lot of his family. I left most of my family and friends back home. Due to the close proximity, we were going to church with his parents, having Sunday lunch at his parents, and sometimes visiting during the week. This got to be way too much for me. I told him that although I loved his family, I need to see less of them. Space issues. We starting having Sunday lunch about once a month at his parents. We then moved farther away from them.
Now although we are farther way it is better, but not totally. Everytime his family comes over, I feel smothered most times. At times I have felt as if his mom was trying to take over my household (control issue I know). Sometimes I would leave my child with them while my husband and I went out and when we returned, doors were opened that I had left shut. I felt as if they were invading my privacy. (Our bedroom door in particular). I understood my child’s bedroom door being open and that is totally fine. Bathroom-same thing-totally fine.
So my husband talks to his mom about this and tries to explain that I need some space. Also, that I need them to respect my privacy. His mom has taken it as I don’t want them to come over. This is not true at all. They are wonderful people. I just want to feel like the hostess of my household and to have my privacy respected. Also to have space when I need it. My husband doesn’t understand this. He is a social butterfly and LOVES to be around people. It is not that I am anti-social, it is just that I like to be alone at times. I know of other people who feel the same way. How can I help him understand this and how can I help my in-laws to feel like they are still welcome?
- Regardless of the situation, once one gets married one is promising to “cleave” unto one’s spouse. So the needs of the extended family have to come second to the needs of one’s spouse. It sounds like your husband is already following this sound scriptural advice by listening to your needs and trying to help with the situation.
- It would benefit you and your husband to come up with a list of the pros and cons you both see on both sides of your family. This is a great exercise to discuss what you see as potential weakness and strengths that not only your extended families have, but that you may have inherited as well. This will help you begin to discuss what family patterns you want to repeat in your own home, and which ones you want to leave behind. It will give you both more insight into yourselves and your own strengths and weakness and how you can use these differences to complement each other. It is important to control defensiveness in this exercise and be open to listen to your spouse’s opinion even if you don’t agree. This will help your growth and personal development. Discuss the areas where you don’t agree and try to understand why that is. It is also important to have the pro/con list be pretty equal – no one wants to hear 10 cons and 1 pro.
- Rather than ask your husband to communicate with his family in your behalf, I would go straight to the source. I think this is the #1 mistake people make with in-law situations. Second-hand communication is liable to have flaws in its accuracy, it doesn’t allow for the non-verbal part of what you would want to communicate, it allows for incorrect assumptions to form, and quite frankly it sandwiches your husband into an awkward situation where he will naturally have contradicting loyalties. Muster up the courage to talk to them yourself. You can ask your husband to be present and form an united stance if that would help you feel more comfortable, but things that you want to say need to come directly from you.
- Be very clear and friendly in your approach. Start out by expressing your love for them and the many positives they offer in your life. Normalize the situation by stating that anytime you have two families coming together there will be differences in how they function. Explain to them a little about how your family works and therefore, things you are comfortable with. Then set your boundaries clearly. “Things that would really help me feel more comfortable include…..” Finish off by stating that by no means are you wanting to offend them or make them feel unwelcome. Again, express your love and the benefits you see of having them close by. Express your love for their son and the wonderful things you see in him because of them. It is important for all of us to practice correct “boundary setting.” If speaking directly is too difficult, this can also be done in written form (although I don’t think it’s as effective). If you write them instead of talk to them, I would encourage you to be in the room while the letter is read or meet with them shortly after so you can answer questions and get their feedback.
- It is important to remember that although our spouse should choose us over their family, ideally they shouldn’t have to. In other words, as loving spouses ourselves, we should always work towards having harmony with our extended families. They may annoy us at times and do things differently than we may like, but these are the people that raised and loved the one we are currently with. And we probably annoy them too. What a loving gift it is to our spouses when we can quickly dismiss little things that may bother us. A forgiving attitude can go a long way.
- On the rare occasion that the in-law situation is truly out of hand and has become in essence abusive, much more strict boundaries need to be set. Marital therapy may be needed to help assist in this process and even adding geographical distance. It is never worth losing a marriage over the issues an extended family can create.
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