Tell Your Wife!

I completely agree! Tell your wife! I was one of those women who swore if my husband ever cheated I’d be gone with the kids before he knew what hit him (what hit him would have been my fist). And Beloved never felt he could tell me about the girl he dated in High School who he has never stopped thinking about. Until now. When he is back with her 18 years later, when we have 4 children and a life that he is giving up. And here we are, astonished to find that I am willing to work things through. However, he is not. But I wish he had taken the chance and told me about her years ago.

I’m so sorry that the situation for you and your husband has turned out like this. You must be in shock and in much pain. It just goes to show how honesty really always is the best policy. And fear is never a good reason for keeping quiet. Thank you for taking the time to write your comments. I hope they help us rethink how we approach others who may ask for our advice. We need to be very careful about what we say, even in casual passing. The “If that were me I would….” statement is assumptive because we don’t know what we would do until faced with the situation ourselves. And passing judgments on others who have acted in ways we think we disagree with (i.e. staying with a cheating or otherwise abusive spouse) is rarely helpful. When we do this, we only isolate those who may need a listening ear or just a compassionate stance to feel welcome or at ease in our midst.

I hope too that those who have been given the “If it were me….” type of advice, will take the time to sort out what it is they feel is in their and their family’s best interest before making life-altering decisions. It is not a good idea to act rashly – especially when the situation is painful and shock inducing. I wouldn’t want the pressure sometimes unwittingly put forth by friends, family or culture as to what “the correct decision” is to alter what would have otherwise been done if instead one had been listening to one’s own gut, instinct, and personal revelation. I’m not saying it isn’t wise to get advice from trusted people, I’m just suggesting that one has to weigh all avenues carefully. For example, there is an unspoken rule in our culture that expects us to leave and divorce a cheating spouse. If you don’t, you are classified as dependent, co-dependent, or otherwise pathetic. Yet, I know many strong women and men who have been in this position and have tapped into great strength, wisdom, forgiveness and love to be able to pull through, stand by their spouse, and move towards an even healthier and more intimate relationship than what they originally had. There is nothing pathetic about this! On the other hand, for some divorce is the answer. In our Mormon culture, there can be an unspoken rule that one must “endure” and stay married no matter what. This is not necessarily true either. There are abusive situations. There are non-repentant spouses with repeated offenses that have broken their part of the marital contract again and again. I just hope we are careful to make these types of decisions from the correct sources rather than societal pressure or expectation.