How Do I Get Through These Next Couple Of Years Without Him?

I know this may seem juvenile and ridiculous, but I don’t quite know where else to go. I’m a new freshman at BYU, and this transition to college has been very difficult in terms of recovering from a break-up. He and I both felt like the Lord had told us that we need to take a break from each other and spend freshman year getting to know lots of different people. This seems logical since he’s going on his mission in a few months… best not to be tied down with a girlfriend. We both were very reluctant in breaking up but knew that we had to do the Lord’s will. However, I’ve become very depressed since then and have turned to what I’ll admit are unhealthy ways of seeking happiness: pornography, masturbation, binge eating, faking illness for attention, etc. I constantly think of suicide and am just looking for a method that would bring the least amount of shame on my family. I have gone to several therapists, who are either making me feel worse or just don’t jive with me. I’m starting to lose hope with the idea of psychotherapy.

I miss my ex so much. I see him on campus all the time. I still love him and we’ve had spiritual confirmation that we’re supposed to be together in the end (sounds laudable to most but I cannot deny the validity of my experiences). How do I get through these next couple of years without him? I have a strong testimony and am trying very hard to act and think as the Lord would have me do, but it is very difficult right now. I have a good relationship with my parents and siblings and they help me, but the fact is that I’m on my own now, and feeling very alone.

First of all, nothing about the feelings you are describing are juvenile or ridiculous. It is perfectly normal to struggle after a break in a significant relationship. It sounds like you are experiencing other stressors as well such as starting college and leaving home. This transition time is a difficult one for many single adults your age and many start exhibiting behavioral problems as a result. Here are some thoughts:

I am concerned regarding the description of your coping behaviors, intensity of feelings and suicidal ideation. In other words, even though it’s normal to struggle through a relationship transition, you seem to be struggling more than most would. And the ways in which you are finding to cope are not to your benefit. It sounds like you have strong family support. Have you disclosed to your parents that you are having suicidal thoughts? I’m glad to hear that you are seeking professional help. What about these therapists that you have seen is not working? Why are you feeling worse? Is there a common theme as to why therapy hasn’t worked? Have you considered seeing a psychiatrist? Have you considered that you may need medications to help you through this time? I would encourage you to speak candidly with your parents about the details of what you are experiencing (i.e. share with them this entry and my response), continue to try to find a therapist that you feel comfortable with, see your primary care physician for a referral to a psychiatrist to see if you need to be on medication for depression, and get a psychological evaluation done. Psych evals can be a useful tool to help you sort through exactly what it is you are dealing with as far as mental health diagnosis.
It is important for you to know that it is common for those who have a propensity towards mental health issues to start having problems in the developmental years of leaving home. As mental health practitioners we see this in many single adults who begin college, go on missions, join the military, etc. As teenagers leave the known routine and stability of their family of origin, it can be a difficult transition into the many unknowns, new relationships, and responsibility of single adulthood.
A positive I see about where you stand is your ability to be self-aware and forthcoming about what you are doing, feeling and experiencing. This will be a strength as you move forward.
My main concern for you right now is the fact that you are having suicidal thoughts to the point that you are considering different plans. Please know that this is NOT the solution you are looking for. It sounds like you have much to live for and look forward to – especially with the confirmation you have received about a future with a certain young man. It is not so much that you would bring shame to your family and loved ones, it is more that you would bring unmeasurable grief. You cannot begin to imagine the repercussions of suicide on those you leave behind – not to mention the disservice you will be doing to your own precious life. Recognize that suicidal thoughts can be somewhat impulsive. Therefore, you need to be prepared with a “safety plan” or “life contract.” Your therapist should be able to help you with this (i.e. who to call, where to go, and what to do if the urge to kill yourself feels overwhelming). There is a suicide hotline that is available 24/7: 1-800-273-TALK. Please read the following post for more information: I have had thoughts of suicide… Please feel free to use me as a resource. You can find my email address under my profile information if you would like to contact me directly (please don’t let concern over payment stop you). I work solo, so I do not provide emergency services (in other words, I’m not available 24/7). But I would get back to you within a day.
The last piece of this that you may not want to hear is that even though it is difficult to be separated from the man you love in order for him to go on a mission – it truly is the best thing for both of you developmentally. The skills and experience he will gain on his mission will be invaluable to his future wife and family. You will be forever grateful for the blessings this will bring to your life. It is also equally important for YOU to prepare yourself for the pivotal step of marriage. I continually tell young women that before we can successfully learn to be with another, we must first learn how to be with ourselves. The next two years is precious time!!! I know it is difficult to see this now, but in the continuum of your life timeline you have a very little blip that you can truly call your own. The first 17-19 years are largely managed by your parents. Most Mormon women marry early. Forty-five percent of LDS women and 23 percent of LDS men have married by age nineteen. By age twenty-one 74 percent of LDS women and 49 percent of LDS men have married. (This research is a bit dated) Once you marry you are in a state of constant compromise with another individual, and when children arrive the demands on your time and resources are numerous. Although most of us do and should look forward to marriage, my point is that the small window that you can call your own (from the time that you leave your parent’s home to the time you start a home with your husband) is precious – it may last only a few weeks/months to several years. This is the time to study, to travel, to work, and to explore yourself, your dreams, your goals and your ambitions. This is the time to date different people and have a good sense of the qualities you are looking for in your future spouse. This is the time to build your self-esteem, your testimony and your strengths – also recognizing your weaknesses. It is a pivotal time, it is a wondrous time and what you do with this time will greatly influence your success as a wife and a mother. You have the rest of your life to be married (hopefully at least a good 50 years). Learn to embrace and enjoy this stage we call “singledom.” I wish as Mormon parents we would do a better job of not only preparing our children for marriage, but to look forward to and enjoy the single years as well.

I wish you the best of luck as you move forward. I hope you write again and give me an update. And by the way, how are your grades holding up through all of this?