I completely agree with your answer. I think it’s 100% up to the couple.
My concern is that I went to my bishop to ask about it because my husband and I are going to different schools in different states right now and I wanted to make sure that me taking care of my own needs in the meantime is OK. He said that it should only be your spouse stimulating you. No exceptions. He said that because I had done it, I should not attend the temple for a month.
I’ve spent the last 3 weeks in frustration because I respectfully disagree with him but I don’t know what to do. On one hand he’s my church leader & I should take his counsel, on the other hand, I think he’s wrong. Should I meet with him again and respectfully challenge what he said? Ask for references from talks and the handbook? I’m so confused.
Any responses to this comment would be much appreciated!
Second Post:
I would like to clarify the part about me approaching the bishop about it because frankly I always had the opinion that it was none of his business.
My husband and I were preparing to go to the temple a few months ago and the reason we had to wait so long is because he had an issue with pornography. Well, the bishop had told him to (obviously) refrain from the pornography & masturbation.
That’s when I asked if masturbation is okay between a married couple (in the aforementioned circumstances) and he said no. All during our marriage before the temple (a few years) we had been doing it and felt fine but he said if we did it before the sealing then we shouldn’t go through with it.
But I whole-heartedly agree with your advice. My husband has been okay with it being between the two of us and I realize that our feelings are the only ones that matter.
Unfortunately, sexuality at times can be a confusing topic. Sexuality is affected by so many different aspects of our lives. This is why so many seek guidance or have questions regarding sex. Now whether or not we agree, the church has taken a stance against masturbation – a stance mostly directed to the youth and single adults. However, even within marriage it is discouraged. And this is because masturbation is usually discussed as a solo activity (meaning the couple is not engaging in this act together). The church’s position on the purpose of sexual activity is clearly stated as twofold: 1. to procreate and 2. to bond a couple in a deeply emotional, physical, and spiritual fashion.
Now in previous posts I have encouraged married couples to use masturbation, or self-stimulation as some prefer to call it, as a tool for creativity and exploration within the relationship. This includes the willingness to be honest, forthright and vulnerable with one’s partner. My recommendation is usually to have couples enjoy this type of act together (whether it be in the same room, over the telephone, etc…). I’m not exactly sure from your comments if you and your husband were masturbating while in some shape or form “together,” or if you are resorting to this activity as a way to fulfill your sexual needs alone as you are both away from each other. If it is the first scenario, then in my book it would fall under the “whatever a wife and husband are comfortable with” and I don’t think your bishop should be involved. If it is the latter, then I am not surprised by your bishop’s reaction. Reason being because even if a couple is OK with the fact that the other is masturbating without the other present in some way, it doesn’t fall under either purpose the church has regarding sex. Quite frankly we have all kinds of problems within the church where members are using and even addicted to masturbation in conjunction with pornography and inappropriate fantasies as well as those who have substituted masturbation for a marital sex life for a variety of reasons. These types of problems are unfortunately affecting numerous marriages and even ending many of them. Therefore, I understand the church’s position and I agree that it can be a practice that does not fall under the goals in line with our individual “plan of happiness.”
I have written previously on the reasons masturbation can be detrimental:
Where I am not in agreement with Mormon culture more so than with Mormon leadership is with the level of scrutiny, “punishment,” guilt, etc. allotted to this issue that at one point or another most of us have succumbed to (according to statistical research). Is it something we should all be working towards mastering? Yes. Is is something we should be so anal about that it ruins and discolors our own and other’s sexual development? No.
Now there may be situations where solo masturbation and/or self-stimulation has a specific, short-term purpose in helping a couple with their overall sexual relationship. For example, when a man is having issues with erectile dysfunction or when a woman has been anorgasmic. However, even in these situations I would prefer for a couple to work together. I understand however, that some people take time to work up to being comfortable enough to withstand the type of vulnerability and intimacy these exercises elicit.
As far as whether or not to approach your bishop again, this is completely up to you and what you feel will be most beneficial to your own feelings. If this is something that is bothering you to the point that you lay awake at night thinking about it, then you may want to speak with him again. It is always difficult to hear counsel we are not in agreement with. Usually discussing things further and getting feelings out in the open rather than bottling them up can be a helpful process in any relationship. However, you need to be prepared that you will more than likely not change his position on the subject. So if you do choose to speak to him about this again, your goals need to be centered around the honesty of your feelings versus changing the outcome of what has happened. You absolutely have the right to ask for references from the handbook and/or other writings. You also have the right to tell your bishop you respectfully disagree. You may also feel more comfortable having this type of discussion if your husband went along with you. Ultimately, when you are asked through the classic temple interview questions if you are chaste, the only answer that matters is the one that you know you are being honest about with God, yourself and your husband.
Regardless of how you decide to resolve this issue, I want to offer you and your husband my heartfelt congratulations on your decision to marry in the temple. The honesty, love and efforts you have both exhibited in order to reach this goal are highly commendable. I am so encouraged by you and your husband’s ability to be able to discuss these things with one another and be able to work through difficult issues such as pornography use. This obviously speaks to the many strengths you have as a couple. I wish you both the best as you go forward from here.
Again, I want to make clear that I am by no means an official spokesperson for the church. All of my writings on these types of topics are influenced by my own opinion, interpretation of doctrine, and experiences I have had discussing these issues with different church leaders.
The Mormon Therapist
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