The Mormon Therapist
My husband and I have been married for 8 years. My husband suffers from a few mental health issues that have put a very big strain on every aspect of our lives. He has a lot of issues with guilt and hanging onto guilt as an obsession. A few months ago, he viewed pornography for the first time. It was really hard for me to hear that he had done that. I was filled with worry about if this was going to suddenly be an ongoing problem that we would need to deal with. I felt a lot of frustration wondering why he would do that. I also was very worried about what the guilt over this would do to him. He was very, very bad (guilt wise) for a while. He promised me that he would never do it again. He talked with our bishop and life went on.
Well, he informed me (after the fact) today that today he was feeling very tempted to do it again. He tried to resist all through the day and eventually gave in and viewed fairly heavy pornography on the computer. I am feeling a sense of sheer panic. First, because I often hear about the grip that pornography can put on a person. I am panicked that he is getting sucked into this. I know that the problem can get huge. I feel like now that he did it again it will only get easier to continue doing it. I know people that have had their lives ruined by this habit. I don’t want that to be us. On top of that, I am walking on pins and needles feeling I can’t express how upset it makes me because I don’t want him to feel so guilty that he becomes withdrawn and suicidal (as he has in other situations before).
I don’t know where to turn. Does he need professional help after viewing it twice? I feel like we are teetering on the edge of a cliff. I desperately don’t want him to be addicted. What can I say to make him stop? How do I do it without making him feel guilty? What can I do to encourage him? What can he do to avoid the temptation? It’s hard for me to even comprehend how someone could desire to view pornography. It’s hard for me to understand giving into that temptation. Why can’t he just tell himself no, and then not? How can I be more understanding of him?
Sorry, I know this question is quite scattered but it’s hard to be clear when I am feeling so panicked. Any advice would be so very much appreciated.
- The fact that you already know that your husband struggles with guilt, a tendency to be obsessive, and possibly other mental health issues can hopefully help you not take his behavior as personally as you might otherwise.
- The fact that he has come to you both times and been honest about his problem is hugely encouraging. It shows a willingness to be held accountable, it shows remorse and a willingness to get help.
- This behavior probably has less to do with the fact that he is a potential porn addict but instead more to do with the fact that he is a guilt addict. That may sound silly. But if he’s been used to feeling guilty most of his life, even though he may hate it, it’s still a comfortable state. It’s what he’s used to. What better way to stay guilty as a married member of our church than to start porn-viewing behavior? I do think that professional help is needed, but probably more in line with the underlying guilt issues (possibly even some OCD tendencies). That’s not to say that the porn issue couldn’t in time turn into an addiction, especially if he does not resolve the need for guilt to be part of his life.
- Keeping inappropriate or underlying guilt in our lives hinders us by feeding into unhealthy core beliefs we hold about ourselves such as: I deserve to be punished, I don’t deserve good things, I am bad in nature, I am worthless, I will never measure up, I don’t have control over myself, I am disappointing, I am unloveable, I am a failure, etc. Self-esteem work to change these core beliefs through cognitive therapy should be found useful. Medication can at times work with symptoms related to OCD – consulting with a psychiatrist would also be beneficial.
- Understanding the purpose of appropriate guilt and how this differs from underlying guilt is paramount. Appropriate guilt is supposed to be painful yet short-term (acute). It’s a tool to help guide us back to where we need to be. Underlying guilt on the other hand is chronic and speaks more to who we ARE versus what we DO.
- One thing he might find helpful in resisting temptation, is being able to discuss it with someone as soon as it comes up. Many times talking about something can relieve the tension and anxiety associated with it. Whether that someone is you or some other trusted individual, is something you should think about. It may be too difficult for you to have to listen.
- I’m hearing a lot of assumed responsibility from you regarding your husband’s feelings and behaviors. The bottom line is this: you are NOT responsible for your husband’s feelings and behaviors. You are only responsible for how you manage your own.
- Now, yes, the calmer you remain – the more likely that you will have favorable results (i.e. your husband will be more likely to come to you again in the future, you will remain a safe place for him to go, you will be more able to manage reactions of anger/hurt, you will be better able to make clearer decisions and set healthy boundaries, etc.). Staying calm does not mean abstaining from feeling or emotion. It is perfectly reasonable to show tears, express sorrow, express doubt, even communicate feelings of anger or betrayal- and you can do all of this in a calm way. The best way is by lowering the volume and speed of your voice.
- It is also appropriate to be clear about appropriate boundaries and expectations (i.e. “I can appreciate how difficult it was to come to me with this information. And I’m grateful that you felt comfortable in doing so and hope we can always have an honest and open relationship. At the same time you need to know that I feel hurt, scared, betrayed and confused. I expect you to get the help needed so that pornography will not be a part of our marriage. I expect you to get help with these issues of ongoing guilt. I am willing to be part of whatever process needs to take place, for instance with a professional counselor or with our bishop. I just want to be very clear that I do not find this type of behavior acceptable and I want it to stop. I think that the honesty that you have shown with me is a big step in the direction of our ultimate success.”).
- A very appropriate boundary to set up right away is that of computer accountability. Covenant Eyes might be a useful site for you as a couple to visit.
- Anxiety is a difficult thing to calm in the wake of a storm. It is normal to feel anxiety, even panic as you describe, when problems arise. In fact, we feel anxiety/panic for a specific purpose – to warn us from danger or threat. However, as you learn in any type of emergency training – these are not the feelings that will help you through a rescue (whether of your own or someone else’s). Recognize the anxiety, realize its purpose, then let it go and move into rescue-team form – calm, analytical thinking with the focus clearly on problem solutions.
How do we manage anxiety? A few tips:
- Accept anxiety as part of the process – if you run away from it by trying not to think about it, it will try even harder to get your attention. Accept that waves of anxiety will hit. Acknowledge them and allow them to wash over.
- Take a DEEP breath. Take several of them.
- Take the time you need to think before a reaction.
- Take a time-out for yourself when you deem needed.
- Figure out what types of things you find soothing (i.e. music, exercise, a bath, prayer, meditation, a drive, etc.) and give yourself the time to do and enjoy these activities.
- Be very clear with yourself about what IS and what IS NOT in your control.
- Think through several scenarios you deem as possibilities – how do you see yourself handling them? What do you have to do to be prepared? Who can you turn to as resources?
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