How do I balance being content while striving for a better future?

I feel like my temple marriage of nearly 20 years has eroded over the years through neglect and is now (in my opinion) almost unrecognizable. We don’t argue or fight, but neither do we discuss our relationship, our thoughts, or our feelings. We have become more like co-habitants that get along rather than the type of interested, engaged celestial partners that to me defines what a marriage should be.

For several years now, I have tried, although admittedly in a rather quiet, passive way that is consistent with personality, to express to my wife my desire for us to develop a closer, stronger, more connected relationship. My wife, in an uncharasteric way, has mostly ignored and evaded my requests, and without explicitly stating so, has conveyed to me that she neither needs nor has an interest in developing this type of relationship.

As I see it, I have a few options: I can continue to have high expectations and relatively low results, which only causes frustration and discouragement. Because of this disparity between my “vision” of what our marriage should be and what it is, it seems like I am almost constantly in a disappointed frame of mind. As a result, I believe my wife feels very inadequate and that nothing she can do will ever be enough.

The other option is to somehow try to lower my expectations- to try to be content with what I do have, to appreciate my wife’s strengths and the good aspects of our relationship. While I think I can make some progress at being more positive and appreciative, I think it will still be very difficult to reduce my expectations. From past attempts it seems like I can turn the switch completely off and have zero expectations, but even this is accompanied with feelings of disappointment and frustration.

How does one find the balance between being content with the present and striving for a better future? How does one genuinenly lower expectations of the marriage relationship without having any sense of regret?

I’m sorry to hear about your feelings and situation. Here are some thoughts:

• You bring up a good point about the types of relationships that are in danger. Some people think that the only marriages that end are the ones with a lot of conflict. Although conflict can lead to divorce, conflict at least means that the couple is still engaged. They are engaged enough to be willing to yell at each other. The couples that have disengaged from one another to the type of roommate, “co-habitant” relationship you describe are equally if not more in danger.
• It is not wrong to have high expectations for our marriage and of ourselves. In fact high expectations are usually what motivate us towards action and self-assessment. At the same time, it is important to recognize the good one has acquired or achieved so far. So it is a balancing act of being “content” with all that one has while still being willing to reach for something better, healthier and more productive. Having an ongoing list of what one considers to be their “blessings” is helpful. At the same time, having written goals and step-by-step plans of how to achieve these goals is equally beneficial.
• You mention having made efforts to reach out to your wife but admit to doing so in a “passive” way. I’m not exactly sure what you mean by this but I would encourage you to get more assertive. By more assertive, I do not mean more authoritarian. Respect is paramount to effective communication: respect for the other and respect for yourself. I would encourage you to either in verbal or written form begin to have clear, specific conversations with your wife regarding what you see as your strengths and weaknesses as a couple. Be willing to take responsibility for your own part in this. Use “I statements”. Do not attack or belittle. Put forth some plans of action you would like the two of you to discuss and move forward with (i.e. marital counseling, attending a couple retreat, refocus on date nights, etc.). I’m hearing assumptions from your part on how you think your wife feels, versus grounded conversation that has actually taken place.
• Although it may seem counterintuitive – beginning to focus on self vs spouse is usually a helpful and necessary step for any marital improvement. There are many things that we can work on personally that eventually make a dent in the relationships we find ourselves in (as spouse, parent, child, friend, etc.). Therefore, even if your wife refuses to engage at first with your requests of working on your marriage, you can still make progress by taking steps yourself.
• You mention that you’ve been married 20 years. Therefore, I assume you are somewhere in the developmental stage of mid-life. This developmental stage has many challenges associated with it that are important to be aware of. For example, you mention “regret.” This is actually a normal feeling to have during this time. It tends to be a time where we look back at all of our goals, dreams and desires of our youth and realize we may not have achieved everything we thought we would. We may tend to minimize our achievements and focus on the negatives. It is important to carefully self-assess during this time frame because many make rash decisions through what we refer to as a “mid-life crisis” (i.e. divorce, career change, plastic surgery, financial investments…) that they come to regret about 10 years later. Mid-life personal assessment can be a positive process if done so with careful thought and not just a knee-jerk reaction to losing one’s youth. If done correctly, decisions can be made that help us reach new goals and better overall lifestyle. These decisions may include relationship status, career decisions, finances, even cosmetic choices. However, when done with an awareness of self we are much less disposed to make decisions that we will come to regret later in life.