The Mormon Therapist
I am in the military and am on my first deployment. It has been a great opportunity to serve but I am quickly learning that it is extremely difficult because of the sexual pressure that builds up from being absent from my wife as well as the temptations that come with that. My wife and I have a great life together and enjoy each other very much while I am at home. Overall, this has helped us to grow closer in many ways accept for one. What advice can you and do you give to young couples to deal with not being able to have sex while apart for long periods of time? Thank you for your help!
Thank you for your excellent question. Many couples are finding themselves in similar situations (whether through military deployment, new jobs or it is the nature of their usual job). I am adamant in telling couples that physical separation does not need to mean sexual separation. Couples who are physically separated need to take extra care to stay connected on all fronts – and sexuality is definitely one of them.
There can be both pros and cons to a long-term separation. As you mention above, separation can make the heart grow fonder. You don’t take each other for granted anymore, you long for one another, you miss each other and you tend to cherish every interaction. These types of feelings usually bring romance back to the forefront of the relationship, a deep love and a conviction that “we can make it through anything.”
On the other hand, if a couple isn’t careful, the cons rest mainly with the dangers of growing apart and/or relying on others for the types of emotional/physical support that should stay within the bonds of marriage. This is especially the case if the couple is already having relationship difficulty before the separation takes place.
Luckily we have many resources available through all kinds of technological advances that can help couples stay connected – from basic mail to telephone calls, email, videoconferencing, texting, etc. I’m not sure what exactly you may have available in your situation but I would encourage you to use every medium possible to reach out to one another during this time.
I would encourage you and your wife to have a very specific conversation outlining the parameters and comfort zones of your physical relationship. For example, how do you both feel about self-stimulation as you are apart? Would you feel comfortable knowing that your spouse is self-stimulating as they are reading one of your letters? Are you comfortable writing or saying things to each other of an erotic nature? Are you comfortable self-stimulating as you talk to each other over the telephone? Are you comfortable self-stimulating with each other over a videoconference session? Do you have the capability to do these things with sufficient privacy? Have this be an ongoing conversation. As you begin to explore your possibilities, you may find that things that felt corny, awkward or uncomfortable at first become things that open up doors leaving you both feeling fulfilled and even more connected. What can be a wonderful byproduct about this situation for the two of you is that you are in essence being forced to deal with your sexuality as a couple in a more creative way. Having to communicate sexually via the written form or relying only on verbal language can be a fun challenge. If you take this challenge on you will find that your intimacy may increase in ways you had never foreseen.
I wish you the best of luck and a speedy and safe return home. And a big THANK YOU to you, your fellow service men and women, and all of your families for the sacrifices rendered in the service of our country and many other countries.
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