The Mormon Therapist
My first marriage was very abusive mentally and emotionally. I am now married to a wonderful man who I adore and I believe loves me very much. We have been married for almost five years. Both of us are not spring chickens. I am 56 he is 65.
Near the end of my first marriage I was told that I would never find someone who would be attracted to me. His words were…”You couldn’t turn a guy on if he was mainlining Viagra.” I have always had a hard time with myself image. When I was a teen I started putting on weight. I am 5’10” and by the time I married the first time at 20 I weighted at least 200 lbs. Over the first 29 years of a bad marriage I chose food to be my drug of choice to hide from the stress and pain. I just didn’t care most days.
Then one day my heart Dr looked me in the eye and said… “If you do not lose weight, and do it fast, you WILL be dead in 6-9 months.” For some reason, I still don’t understand why, I actually cared that day if I lived or died. So I looked into having a Gastric-by-pass. My Ex’s insurance was sick of paying for all my medical problems related to me weighing 400 lbs. and they approved me right away.
My EX (we were still married at the time) did NOT want me to have the surgery. I did it anyway. In the next 2 years I went from 408 the day of surgery to 155. At the same time I was beginning to except the light at the end of the tunnel. Even though we had been married in the temple we would never be eternal. One day I looked at him and realized that the feeling I had for him were no different than those I had for a stranger on the street. No hate, no Love…nothing and I knew I had to leave.
Here is where the problem is right now. Because of the great deal of weight loss, I have loose skin every place. I was never able to afford corrective surgery. This includes my genital area. After I married my sweet husband I realized that it was making it difficult for intercourse but not impossible. He didn’t say a word as we worked around it. We had a great sex life. Recently things have been getting harder and harder… in the last few months 3-4. He hasn’t been able to penetrate me, or if he does it just doesn’t stay. I feel that it is my bodies fault. I am also starting per-menopause and am becoming dryer. I have tried using creams or oils and it really hasn’t helped much.
I love my husband and want to satisfy him so if things ‘don’t work’ I will stimulate him to orgasm. He hasn’t felt the need to do likewise to me. I don’t know if he just doesn’t think about it, understand that I need it too, or after he is satisfied he just wants to sleep. My husband has been married 4 times before he married me and then joined the church. He was a man of the world, Career Army and I’m sure had partners between marriages. I am feeling very insecure about things. I am wondering what will happen if things don’t get better sexually between us. Will he get sick of it and move on to another woman.
After last night he told me today that he was going to talk to his Dr about it…maybe get something to help. All I can think of is …”You couldn’t turn a guy on if he was mainlining Viagra” Over and Over again.
My wonderful husband has helped me slay most of my dragons from the past… but this one …I keep thinking that it might just be easier, in his eyes, to go get a new wife.
I am sorry to hear that you spent so many years in a difficult and abusive relationship that had such impact on your sense of self worth. Congratulations on taking the initiative to do something for yourself even without the needed emotional support. this speaks volumes of your ability for self-reliance. What an amazing journey it must have been for you to lose so much weight! Here are some thoughts:
- Loose skin after significant weight loss is an unfortunate side effect. Exercise (especially styles focused on muscle toning) can be helpful. You may also want to consult with your physician/insurance company because sometimes, corrective surgery is covered by insurance if the problem is causing legitimate medical issues (i.e. breast reduction due to back pain, etc.).
- Due to the fact that you have been able to have a previously successful sex life with your current husband, my hunch would be that it is he who is facing some normal issues regarding erectile dysfunction due to age rather than this having anything to do with you. You mention some increased dryness, but this usually does not affect a man’s ability to penetrate as much as it would affect whether or not you experience pain when he does penetrate. I’m glad to hear that he is wiling to see a doctor to discuss this issue and hopefully get some useful information/treatment. Many men are embarrassed to get the help they need when it comes to sexual issues. I hope you are also comfortable discussing changes you notice with your ob-gyn so that you can have the most up-to-date information regarding menopausal changes and what to expect.
Here are the red flags that go up for me:
- You mention meeting your husband’s needs in ways other than intercourse (which is a great and creative solution) but he is not reciprocating. I sense that there is a lack of communication happening between the two of you surrounding sex. He will not be able to read your mind and it is important for you to respectfully educate him regarding your needs. Without a constant, open and honest dialogue regarding our sexuality, we are greatly hindered in the end results we could enjoy.
- The fact that your husband was married 4 times is risky. I do not mean to belittle him in any way (it sounds like he has been a wonderful and positive force in your life). However, the statistics of previously divorced people divorcing again goes up exponentially. I believe you would fall in the 55% category and he would fall somewhere around 80% likelihood of re-divorce. This does not mean that you are both helplessly going down the road towards separation – it just means that you have to be that much more careful regarding issues such as communication, problem-solving and intimacy needs. When relational issues come up (and they will), you both need to be proactive. Doing preventative work such as marital counseling and even sex therapy would be beneficial. This way, you resolve issues before you begin negative patterns and cycles that can be more difficult to break over time.
- The fact that your first reaction to a common and legitimate issue many couples face was to go back to old habits of self-deprecation. I realize it can be a very difficult process to recover from old wounds and specifically hurtful things that were said in a previous relationship. Your logical brain is smart enough to know that what your ex-husband said is not true. However, your emotional brain has a hard time following suit. This is what we call a cognitive distortion: an untruth that you’re stuck believing. You need to know that you can fight this. There are many ways you can do this: retrain your brain by learning how to reframe (i.e. “I am undesirable” vs “I am beautiful even with my imperfections”), by building up evidence against such thoughts (i.e. “I did find someone who found me attractive and desirable,” “I have enjoyed my sexuality again”), and by stopping negative thoughts (i.e. literally do a brain scream of “STOP!” when you think negatively). Over time and as you practice you will notice a shift in the way you emotionally think that matches more your logical thoughts. It may be beneficial to do some individual sessions with a therapist to revisit some of these old wounds and have them heal once and for all.
I wish you the very best and hope you continue in this amazing journey you began of finding yourself and respecting your own needs and wants. Please do not let your old habits centered on fear and self-loathing to dictate your future again. Although our bodies and physical responses do change with age, there is no limitation to emotional or physical intimacy that a couple can enjoy. And it can be exciting and bond-forming to do the redefining and communication it will take to do so successfully.
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