I am not speaking to my extended family…

I have been depressed off and on for the thirty years since I joined the Church and almost ten years before that when I wanted to join . I was a teenager at the time and due to opposition and threats from my parents, waited until I married. Since the time my husband and I were baptized, we have been obtusely criticized / put down (my husband was a public employee), not invited to certain family gatherings but required at others, our Church activity ignored – fine but to say in the Christmas letter, “so and so is in Japan studying Japanese”- aka on a mission, constantly put down for “donating” aka tithing…. the list goes on and on. I can’t believe we (I) just took this treatment all these years. It makes me wonder what is wrong with me. I can now see the effect it has had on one of our children-possibly- and on our family as a whole. Recently one morning I awoke and realized that I didn’t have to take the disrespect and unsupportive behavior. In fact, I told the Lord I can’t do it anymore. I am not speaking to my extended family – all whom have been involved in this to one degree or another. I never talked to a Church leader until last year as I had become suicidal. His wife has experienced the same treatment. He was gentle and very understanding and said that i could “honor them from afar”. Am I sinning? I seriously can’t do the relationship anymore and get beat up one more time. They are in their eighties and I realize they will not change. Their opinions and beliefs are more important than a relationship with me. Where do I put my guilty feelings? I have turned into a pariah in the extended family but do not try to defend myself because I have seen that doesn’t change minds or hearts.

It is sad to hear when family relationships are a source of anxiety and depression instead of love and support. Unfortunately, in many cultures (including Mormonism) people choose their belief systems and traditions over the more important Christ-like acceptance of their loved ones. This happens all too often when family members choose something “different” within the issues of religious dogma, sexual orientation, traditional/cultural mores, prescribed behaviors, etc.

There is a great family theorist by the name of Murray Bowen who speaks of “differentiation.” This is where an individual can be comfortable within their individuality AND be comfortably connected to their family. It is where family members are mutually respectful, can set and adhere to appropriate boundaries, and the family system does not need to “fall apart” just because a member chooses to behave outside of the prescribed “family rules.” There is tolerance in this type of system. There is room for differing thoughts, ideas, beliefs and behavior even when disagreements are present. “I can be connected to you without needing to think, act and believe as you do.” The more differentiated we are, the healthier the family system.

The alternatives on both sides of this spectrum are individuality (only the needs of the individual are deemed important at the expense of the family) and enmeshment (the needs of the family take precedence over an individual’s). Families are in a continual dance somewhere along the fluidity of this continuum. When families are “rigid” then the system is not fluid. It cracks under pressure. When families are “disengaged” they are not connected enough to even know where they stand with one another. When families are “enmeshed” they cannot function individually without affecting the entire system.
These are all terms that can be helpful in understanding family dynamics. We want to be shooting for terms such as “flexible” and “connected.”

We are commanded to honor our parents, specifically. So, how do we go about defining the word “honor.” Is it “honorable” to allow inappropriate or abusive behavior? Is it “honorable” to meet another’s needs at the continual expense of our own? Is it “honorable” to not be true to oneself? My answer to all of this is a resounding NO.

So, how DO we go about showing respect?
-Communication style.
-Boundary setting.
-Letting go of what you cannot control.

You have the right to set the types of boundaries you expect to be treated by along with the consequences if they are not respected (i.e. I will not allow family members to put my religion down in front of me or my children. If they want to have a respectful discussion then we can do that in a setting that is appropriate. Due to the protection of myself and my children, I will sadly not be able to attend family gatherings if this is not adhered to. I hope you can understand why this is important to me because our relationship is also important and I would prefer to stay connected. I cannot, however, stay connected at the expense of myself or my children.) We can make these types of statements in a direct and loving way – controlling our facial expressions, tone and volume of voice, and reactivity to their response. This can be done face-to-face, over a telephone call, and/or in letter form. It can be done with each family member individually that you need to address or in a family meeting. Take responsibility for yourself and don’t have someone else do it for you (i.e. a spouse, sibling, etc.).

Now, you have no control over other people’s behaviors, thoughts and feelings. Your family may or may not request your wishes. You need to be prepared that as you begin to set appropriate boundaries you are in essence changing the “dance” everyone is accustomed to. Toes will be stepped on and squacking noises will be made. Families react to change much like toddlers react to temper tantrums. But much like toddlers, as long as you keep your cool and keep to your guns, the tantrums diminish in length and in volume over time. Defending self, begging and pleading are unnecessary to this process and are usually ineffectual. The only part you really need to focus on is continuity and follow through of the consequences and boundaries you have set forth.

Remember that we are also respectful to others by allowing them to be respectful to us. When we allow others to treat us with disrespect, we are actually enabling incorrect behavior. This helps no one in the journey towards progression.

I will warn that people who choose a complete cutting of the ties, “cut-off”, usually do not find themselves in a healthy position either. It is amazing how much power an extended family can still have over your psyche and your own family dynamics even if you haven’t spoken to or seen them for years. It may come to not being able to speak or have contact with toxic family members – however, the communication around boundary setting should be done first.

As you begin to challenge your own anxiety around the process of creating appropriate boundaries in a respectful, communicative way – your level of differentiation will increase. As a result, so will your family’s – even if you they do so kicking and screaming. As you embrace this process you will find it much easier to let go of inappropriate guilt and levels of depression should improve. You will feel empowered in the knowledge that you are creating a healthier state for yourself and your family overall, you will be in a better position to give appropriate family dynamic examples to your children and you will find yourself more at peace in your own skin.

And for the record – there is nothing wrong with you. This is just the mess, joy, pain, and redemptive power of FAMILY. We are all subject to it in varying degrees. We all start intrinsically connected in some fashion and then go through the appropriate developmental step of spreading our own wings. Getting those wings stretched out and ready for flight can feel uncomfortable – even painful.

I hope that you can put your guilt away by understanding the distinction between “honoring” and “cleaving.” We have very clear scriptural guidance that you are to leave your mother and father and cleave unto your spouse. This scripture is stated 4-5 times in the Old and New Testaments. Once you leave home, your primary responsibility is to honor your spouse and the new, beautiful family YOU now have the opportunity to create.

Honoring your parents includes respectfully standing up to them, disagreeing with them, being thankful for the things they were able to do for you, forgiving them for the things they fell short on, being polite, not disparaging them in front of others, treating them with honorable communication skills, etc. Honoring them never entails dishonoring yourself or allowing yourself or your children to be dishonored. Remember that even the commandment of “thou shalt not kill” is mute when it comes to self-defense.

Please be patient with yourself through this process. If you continue to have suicidal feelings, please get professional help. This is not a problem worthy of your self-destruction. Put yourself first. You CAN do this! I wish you the very best.