I wish my wife would try oral sex…

I have asked my Bishop about oral sex, and he advised me that it is not considered sinful. I have heard from other members who asked other Bishops the same question, and gotten the same answer.

It is my experience that some women enjoy oral sex very much. I once had a girlfriend who enjoyed giving oral sex so much, that she was the one who usually initiated it.

Unfortunately, my wife of 15 years does not want to even try oral sex. She claims she has never done it, and has no interest. She says it is gross. I try not to take that personally. I know that I cannot force her to change, and it was not something that we discussed prior to our wedding, but I really wish that she would at least TRY it.

We usually have sex about once per week, and I get a bit frustrated when I try to initiate sex and then she tells me that her period just started and that I will have to wait at least a week. I have tried to suggest there are other ways to have sex, but she just says no to oral sex and handjobs.

You are correct in that oral sex is no longer considered “sinful.” It falls under the realm of sexual behavior that is up to each individual marriage as to whether or not it will be part of their physical intimacy. With this being said, it does not mean that everyone will be or should feel compelled to be comfortable with either giving or receiving oral sex. Some enjoy it and some don’t. This is a highly personal preference that is affected by many different factors. Here are some thoughts for your specific situation:

• Does your wife know about your previous experiences regarding oral sex? If so, how does this knowledge affect her desire to partake in this behavior with you? Does she feel compared to or inadequate somehow? If she does not know, why not? Have you allowed your own level of honesty and vulnerability to be part of your intimacy as a couple?
  
• How do your previous sexual experiences affect your current relationship and your current sexual expectations from your own perspective? Are these expectations fair to your current partner? Have your previous experiences blunted the ability for you and your wife to naturally explore your sexuality as a couple?
• How do you begin a dialogue together regarding your sexuality that is respectful and not limited by expectations, fears and previous experience? How do you express your feelings regarding certain conceptions your wife may or may not have (i.e. finding your penis to be gross)? How do you explore new sexual boundaries that both of you are comfortable with – that may or may not include oral sex or even certain manual stimulation? Great sexual intimacy is NOT limited by whether or not you engage in certain types of sexual behavior. However, great sexual intimacy IS limited by things such as secrecy, fear, and an inability to communicate in a vulnerable stance.
  
• If there is a discrepancy in frequency of desire for sexual activity then it is important to address this with one another. How can both of your needs be accounted for, communicated about and met more often than not? How do you take both of your needs into account – especially when they seem at odds? Where does love, compromise and a willingness to challenge ourselves fit into this process? How do we redefine our sexuality so that its definition is not limited by orgasm, certain positions, or other such preconceived notions? How can we enjoy sensual touch, embrace, massage, etc. even if it does not always end in traditional climax? Does the week of menses have to limit our sexual relationship – or are there other ways we can connect physically during this time that we are both comfortable with?
  
• I encourage married couples to have a discussion around the woman’s menstrual cycle and their perceptions on this topic. Unfortunately many have misconstrued notions regarding this special part of a woman’s natural, biological cycle. Treating menstruation as “gross,” “a curse,” etc., undermines the beauty and creative power of womanhood and of the feminine body. Understanding the hormonal fluctuations and physical/emotional manifestations that your wife experiences due to her monthly cycle is important for any husband. As far as sex, some couples are comfortable having sexual intercourse during menses. Others use manual or oral stimulation, as well as rubbing up against each other to enjoy genital stimulation. Some women find that sexual stimulation and climax actually help decrease cramps. Some only enjoy contact such as massage or cuddling during this time. Many women feel unattractive, bloated or irritable during the week of menses, which can naturally inhibit sexual desire. The range of effects from menstruation is wide and it is important for each couple to explore what works for them.

The following information is taken from Wikepedia under the heading of “missionary position.” Although the Bible does not mention sexual positions, from the 6th to 16th centuries, Church authorities taught that intercourse should be face-to-face, man-on-top, primarily because they believed that semen flows with gravity, leading to conception.^[14] Exceptions were made for couples dealing with illness, obesity, or pregnancy. The medieval Catholic Church observed that animals copulated in the ventro-dorsal (“doggy style”) position, and concluded that it was unnatural to humans. According to John Bancroft’s Human Sexuality and Its Problems, Thomas Aquinas believed that crimes against nature included intercourse in “unnatural” positions, with the missionary position being considered the only natural one.^[15] Benjamin Shepard wrote: “for Aquinas, any sexual act other than missionary position intercourse – man on top of woman – was assumed to be a sin of irrational gratification, of lust.”^[16] Protestants did not communicate proper sex positions, and the Catholic Church eventually abandoned its discourse on the topic.^[17] Simon Hardy wrote that the missionary position was used to distinguish “bestial and civilized sex.”^[18]

I share this information so we can begin to understand how many of our sexual perceptions and even “traditions” are based not on scriptural/doctrinal teachings but rather on the “philosophies of men” – largely based on inadequate, old and false information. I would hope that our sexual relationship with spouse is centered in the correct principles of its divinity and sacred purposes (marital bonding and procreation), rather than on personally set limitations based on myth, hearsay, and/or puritanical nonsense. The key to making this shift as a couple is centered on openness, respect, love, the willingness to hear and be heard, and ultimately compromise. I wish you and your wife the best on this ongoing journey. You have much time ahead to explore and charter new territory encompassing all the types of intimacy in your marriage. Enjoy the process!