My Kindergartener struggles with masturbation…

I have a little 5 year old daughter in Kindergarten who struggles with masturbation. Help!!!! She has struggled with this for almost 2 years and it seems to get worse and worse. I have been to the doctor, prayed, tried a sticker chart. She is doing it in her Primary class and at school. We have talked with her about it, but she doesn’t stop. The problem seems to be getting worse. I love her so much, I don’t know what to do to help her. I am afraid I am handling things wrong.

Can you help me know where I can go to get help, or if I should?

It is actually quite common for children to touch themselves or rub up against things in order to stimulate a sensation that feels good and comforting to them. I wrote a post a while back regarding childhood masturbationthat I’d like to refer you to. The main points include:

• the fact that masturbation for children is not erotic and holds different developmental meaning than it does for us as adults,
• remembering the innocent status of a child of this age,
• how even the church’s position on sex education normalizes childhood sexual exploration in A Parent’s Guide, and
• the importance of us as parent’s to not react in ways that teach shame or embarrassment regarding the body.

There are some developmental disorders where masturbation is more prevalent – or at least more prevalent in public places (i.e. autism, mental retardation, Down’s Syndrome, etc.). Excessive masturbation or, more likely, sexual role playing can be an indicator that there is a possible history of some type of sexual abuse that has occurred or is currently occurring. However, this is not always the case. I am wondering what if any advice your pediatrician gave you? Your pediatrician should be able to let you know whether or not your daughter’s behavior is falling under the “norms” for her age and should also be able to test for any developmental issues if they exist. He/she should also be able to discuss with you the red flags to look for regarding possible signs of sexual abuse. If you are going to seek help from anyone, I would encourage that someone to be your pediatrician. If there are issues that fall out of the norm, they would be able to refer you on to a specialist.

Regardless of what the underlying cause may be, the main points of reference you can adhere to as a parent is that of

1. staying calm,
2. ignoring it when possible (i.e. if she’s touching herself in the bath, on the couch as she’s watching TV or as she falls asleep – allow her privacy and don’t bring attention to it),
3. staying away from shame-based statements (i.e. stop touching yourself!, that’s dirty, that’s yucky),
4. staying away from anger which elicits shame,
5. and redirecting when it occurs in an inappropriate setting (i.e. church, school, store, etc.).

Statements that can help you do the redirecting can include:

• If you want to touch your body, you can go do that in your room where you can have privacy.
• I know it feels good to touch your vulva, but that is something you should do in private.
• I know it feels good to touch your vulva, but it is not something we need to do here at school. Why don’t you come over here and color this fun page with me?
• Your vulva is a special part of your body and it can feel good when you touch it. But your vulva is private and it is not appropriate to touch that area in front of other people. Why don’t you wait until we are home and you can go to your room where you have more privacy?

As long as these statements are made in an even, calm tone (i.e. like you would talk about describing whether or not it is sunny outside) they should not cause any emotional problems. One of the frustrating parts of parenting children of this age is that repetition is necessary for learning. We may have to state the same guideline numerous times, and daily, before it begins to register.
Most children develop to the point where they begin to understand the concepts of privacy and become more naturally modest. For many, this process doesn’t take place until 6, 7, 8 or even 9 years of age. When we as parents have a hard time controlling our own anxieties we can inadvertently give more attention to a certain issue and find that as a result we see the problem progressing instead of regressing. I’m not implying that this issue is your fault – I just wonder if you would see any changes in the behavior once you take steps towards ignoring it (i.e. doing away with the sticker chart). I wish you the best of luck as you go forward. Your deep love for this precious child of yours is easily apparent in your concern. Feel free to write back with any further experiences.