Who’s fault is it?

To me, a celibate marriage would never fly (unless it were due to medical reasons). My love language is primarily “physical touch”. Withhold the sexual relationship from me and I would feel rejected. I would eventually look elsewhere for a companion that really loved me in every way. Don’t get me wrong, I would not just walk out without trying to resolve the issues via counseling. But if my wife were unwilling to try to change, to over come her emotional/sexual hang-ups, then it would tell me that she is not interested in saving the marriage.

Anon 2:52 stated: “She felt like her neglect of our sexual relationship had helped to push me in the wrong direction, and she wanted to keep me from straying again.”

There is more truth to this statement then we often will admit in the Church. We are so good about reminding the sinner that they are responsible for their own actions, but I strongly believe that strong marriages rarely fail because of infidelity. When both are fulfilled sexually, feel loved, cherished, needed, appreciated, etc… our cups are full and we need not look for something more.

This is why I have recommended “The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands” before to people. Dr. Laura “gets it”! She knows that when a wife learns to realize that her husband needs to feel loved in the bedroom, the marriage is better. When this part of the relationship is more of a duty to the wife, and avoided when possible, then the husband feels unloved, rejected and distant from his wife. They become more “room mates” then lovers.

Sure, we are responsible for our own actions. So, a non-available spouse needs to accept the consequences of his/her neglect and realize that they have contributed to their spouse looking to fill their cup via other means (since they were not getting it from them).

I honestly think that the high use of pornography among LDS men is partly due to them feeling neglected, unloved, and having partners that look at sex as “not that important”.

In my experience working with clients who have had issues with pornography viewing, there are two different starting points.

The first scenario, is when the person started having problems with pornography viewing at an early age and it led to an addiction and a shame based pattern of behavior (i.e. lying, secrecy, self-hate, etc.). This problem does not disappear when the person marries (although many expect it to and are surprised that it doesn’t). It does not matter what type of sexual life they are having with their spouse. In other words, they may be having a mutually satisfying sexual experience (including frequency) and yet the pornography persists. This type of problem has nothing to do with the spouse and should not be blamed on the spouse in the least.

The second scenario is when a couple does have serious issues within their marriage that leaves one or both sexually dissatisfied over a long period of time. If these types of problems persist or seem unsolvable then it is common for there to be the temptation to go outside of the marriage to fulfill these needs (i.e. pornography, physical affairs, emotional affairs, etc.). In this type of situation it is the responsibility of both parties to take note of their role in the relationship and how their attitudes and behaviors affect the marriage as a whole. I am not implying that a spouse should take responsibility over anothers poor choices, but I am suggesting that each spouse has responsibility to make sure that the marriage is being properly cared for. I have seen many spouses willing to do this type of self-assessment after a catalyzing event (such as an affair or finding out that pornography viewing is taking place) and actually move the marriage further along to a new intimacy level than may have been previously possible.

Usually in the second scenario, pornography viewing is not an addiction – but for some it can lead to one.

One last scenario is when you have someone who has overcome a pornography addiction but now finds themselves in a sexless marriage. It will be extremely tempting to revert back to old habits. So, this is a combination of the two problems.