Follow up on “Do I need to talk to the bishop?”

I admire your blog and have really benefited from many of the discussions. The following is too long to enter as a comment. Sorry. I thought a follow up comment on “how it’s going” could be useful. I wish I could put your URL in our church bulletin! Thanks!

I made the original post: Do I need to talk to the bishop?. It was the first and only time I have shared anything in one of these forums.
For the past several months this arrangement has worked for my wife and me. Prior to that, we had very rare sexual contact. I have always hoped/needed to have sex a couple of times weekly–with some obvious variation—due to illness, fatigue, etc. Our sex life had gotten to the point that it was perfunctory and rare. This grew over the years into a serious source or resentment. I resented the infrequency and chore my wife made sex out to be. My wife resented that I asked for sex at all. We discussed sex briefly on several occasions. I would ask what I could do to increase her desire or what I could do to “earn” sex. I tried to use humor and the gentler powers of persuasion. I asked if she’d be willing to read Laura Brotherson’s book with me to see what we could do. She was a good sport and bought the book. This in itself was a breakthrough for us. I always felt that she thought I was a pervert for bringing up sex at all. I read the book quickly and with great enthusiasm—taking notes. She read it too and we talked a little more earnestly than in the past about our sex life. From that conversation, she assured me that she does not have “good girl syndrome”, was never molested, is orgasmic, that she loves me, and likes to make love and have orgasms with me, just not often. I shared my “need” to feel close to her emotionally and physically and my need for release of sexual tension. She communicated that she did not think I was a pervert for wanting sex more often but was just not as “into it” as much as I am and would “try.” Shortly after our earnest conversation, and no increase in sexual activity, but an increase in intimacy and love, I was still feeling physical pain from the lack of sexual release and still struggling with resentment. I was doing everything I could to show love and understanding to my wife and still feeling miserable. I have never been tempted to have an affair. I do not use pornography. I live the law of chastity. At any rate, in this state and after reading the Laura Brotherson book (where she condemns masturbation by the way), I was convinced more than ever of three things: 1. My wife and I love each other and are good for each other; 2. I wasn’t going to finesse or convince her to change or turn into a horndog any time soon; 3. I am a good and decent person and need sex more than my wife.

When I made the proposal in the post that I am referring to, I was very nervous and was prepared for her to be quite upset. It was very anticlimactic. She said she thought it was fine.

Since that time we have had really nice sex several times, much more frequent than before and she has initiated more. I think broaching this has been good for our marriage, not just “self-medicating.” I think we haven’t just agreed to disagree, but made an honest effort to come together and to discuss feelings that have been very difficult for us to discuss. I am not an apologist for masturbation. My wife and I grew up in the Church, met in college after both serving missions, fell in love and are “living the dream.” We married as virgins, in the temple and are very happy. Sex was a wedge. Now it’s not. I think that in the Church we put a lot of weight on chastity (as we should) and don’t necessarily do enough to prepare for healthy sexuality or the struggle to find healthy sexuality. In the original post I mentioned that we both work full time and have young kids at home. We are involved in our community and have Church callings, etc. My wife is brilliant, hard-working, beautiful and wonderful. I am a good father and husband and overall a decent guy. I am very active in cleaning, child-rearing, etc. I have a testimony of the Gospel and try to live it. I believe in the promises inherent to the Gospel and aim to be worthy of them. I feel very blessed for the lessons I have learned through Church membership from childhood to present day. I think in our families and our wards we are doing a better job of looking at perfection as a process for the eternities and not a rigid adherence to a picture we assume the other “nice families” have achieved already. The assumption that if we pray hard enough and work hard enough everything can be just right right now is a pretty high bar and may be giving the Atonement short shrift and place us under a load of hopelessness that is too much. At any rate this compromise has brought my wife and me closer. Sorry to have gone on as long as I have. I felt very isolated with my problem and have felt blessed with this solution and have appreciated Natasha’s advice and reassurance. When I made the original post, I had made the arrangement with my wife and felt like it was the right thing, but still felt ambivalent. Now I really feel like I we are both kinder to each other and more understanding people. It has been the right thing. I know that I am accountable for my choices. I wouldn’t air all this here if I didn’t think it were healthy and safe to have these discussions as a community of people sharing the restored gospel and the mortal struggles of living it. Thanks!

I can’t tell you how valuable your feedback is to me and hopefully to others as well. Thank you so much for writing back. I am pleased that you were able to find this site useful in your life.
Yours is a perfect example of the type of vision I had when I started this “advice column” to begin with. I hope I clearly communicate how emotionally, spiritually, and professionally satisfying your words have been. Thank you!