The Mormon Therapist
I’m wondering what you have to say on this. I’m 60, and was a life-long Mormon until last year when I resigned my membership in the church over issues that are in common with so many who resign today. My wife continues to be an active church goer.
After a marriage of extremely fulfilling sex, our sex lives went south back in 2003-2004, while I was still an active church member. For this reason, I don’t think my resignation has anything to do with the problem. The problem could have been menopause, it could have been anything. But whatever the case, sex is now a mostly futile thing. She acts all embarrassed, afraid to show her youthful figure, afraid to commit to the holding and the intensity of before. We don’t kiss, we don’t talk and now we no longer share a bedroom.
I want my sex life back. She says she does too. Yet no amount of Viagra in the world will help me when she turns out the lights, gets under the covers in the dark room, and lies very still and lifeless. How can I find that stimulating?
I want to give her a talk about winning back our sex life. I even made “talking points.” I start by reminding her how attractive she still is after all these years. I tell her, however, that she has to reach back and remember what she used to do and how she used to do it. She will want to talk to her bishop, but I consider him unqualified and therefore off-limits. I also know that since the church has no tradition of ecclesiastical professionalism and privacy, he might well blurt out in PEC meeting that we’re having sex problems, and then assign the high priest group leader to be my friend (such is the shallowness of Mormon leadership, I feel).
What are some of the points that you would think are good to make in my so-called “talking points?” What makes a valid argument? Or is, God forbid, sex over for some? Should I write her off sexually? And if I should write her off, wouldn’t that make me prone to a relationship outside of marriage? I’m very interested in your response.
Thanks for writing in with your concerns. Here are a few of my thoughts:
- I agree with you that if the sexual problems started before you became disaffected with the church, then this is probably not the underlying issue. However, if your disaffection is a current stressor in your relationship and source of sadness for your wife that remains unresolved, then it may be contributing to the original physical intimacy issues.
- It sounds from your report that you went from “hot” to “cold” in the sexual department rather quickly and you don’t exactly know why, other than the possibility of menopause. This leads me to wonder how much the two of you have been able to communicate regarding this issue. It sounds like you have talked some, which is great – and it also sounds like you are both wanting improvement in this area. Another great sign. Now, how to do that? Your desire to have some “talking points” is a good place to start and I would include all of the points I bring up as well as any other you may come up with on your own.
- Menopause is more than likely, your most likely culprit. However, I would want you to rule out any type of sexual assault, abuse or other uncomfortable encounter she may have experienced around the time you started noticing differences.
- Back to menopause: the most common symptom women (and their husbands) complain about is lowered sex drive. This can be due to a variety of issues: decrease of hormones, increase in vaginal dryness (making sex uncomfortable and even painful), mood swings/depression, self-image issues related to an aging body and hot flashes (which cause fatigue and irritability).
- Menopause is a normal developmental stage of life. However, when symptoms start affecting our quality of life (including our sex lives) we have a right to seek help and treatment. You and your wife can do this with a multi-faceted approach. If your wife is willing, I would start with an appointment with her obgyn where you go in together. Together you can ask questions, gain education, normalize what this is about, and come up with a treatment plan. Hormone replacement treatment can be considered as well as lubricants, hormone creams, etc.
- The second appointment I would make is with a marriage/sex therapist. Again, you can explore not only issues that are directly related with menopause, but any relational issues that may be affecting you both as well.
- The things you report wanting to tell your wife are great places to start: “I find you beautiful; You excite me; I want to be intimate with you; I want to have sex with you; You turn me on; I want to pleasure you; I want you to have orgasms and enjoy having sex; I want to be part of your happiness; You are amazing in so many ways.” Then you move towards communicating your needs: “I need you; It’s not enough to have a physical release with you if I don’t feel that you are engaged in that process with me; I need you to want me too; I need to feel connected with you; I miss what we once had; I understand we may not have the same frequency as when we were younger, but I want our intimacy back, etc.”
- Although libido, sexual frequency, and intimacy in general change and evolve throughout the course of a marriage, sex never needs to be something we “give up” or “be over with.” This is unfortunately one of the myths about aging. So, NO – I don’t think you should write your wife off sexually: especially since she doesn’t seem to want you to. Check out my previous post: What is a couple to do when the man’s body can no longer perform…
- Unless there is a confession to be made, I do not see any need to involve the bishop in this process. I’m not sure if your wife said she wants to speak with the bishop or if you are assuming she will want to? And I’m not sure if this is about her seeking “permission” somehow for working to improve your sexual relationship? This is not necessary. The bishop is not trained to help you in this department. However if she did go to him, he would hopefully be attuned to outside resources and encourage you both to get the professional help you need to improve your marriage. Without having your wife’s input on this, it is difficult for me to understand and take into account her feelings or reasons why she would want to speak with him.
- Anytime our intimacy needs (emotional, physical, intellectual, and/or spiritual) are not met within the marital relationship, trouble can brew in the sense of having those needs be met elsewhere in an unhealthy way (i.e. extramarital affair – emotional or physical). However, this is an interesting balance we all find ourselves needing to strike. Because our spouse will never be able to meet ALL of our needs. And so we find ourselves often in a position where we must learn to meet our own needs (i.e. personal interests, hobbies, good friendships, etc.). As I work with more and more couples, I find that this is a common issue for many: knowing where and how to strike this balance.
Ultimately, I see this as a juncture in your relationship where you both have a choice to make: quit or fight. My experience has shown me that when couples choose to fight, it may take a lot of work, sweat and even pain – but they are usually pleasantly surprised at new things they learn, new life they find, and overall contentment and increased intimacy (in all areas). It’s amazing that no matter our age, our journey is always ongoing. I wish you both the best as you move forward from here.
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