Maybe I wasn’t ready to join the church?

I am a new convert to the gospel and I feel like I am headed on a journey straight out of the church. I was dating someone who was Mormon and recently separated from his wife. I didn’t know anything about the church or the gospel and we carried on with our “relationship” for approximately a year or so. During that year we had a lot of sex and actually had sex within the first or second week of dating….I didn’t think anything of it because this was “normal” and acceptable to me because that’s all I have ever seen or known. He on the other hand should have known better….I started going to church after a year and grew more curious about the gospel. I took the missionary lessons and was baptized. I too received a powerful testimony. I currently have a calling in the church and struggle with preparations to teach/give talks/say prayers vocally etc…I pondered that and I realized I was bottling up a lot of anger and resentment over how I got the gospel and how used I felt that he took advantage of me….HE KNEW about the gospel and the laws and the truthfulness of the church and he didn’t tell me?! We are no longer together because he says I was treating him like crap and such….which I was taking out my frustrations out on him because I felt very angry and confused of how he could take advantage of me when he knew the gospel the whole time……AND had a strong testimony of it! I feel SOOOOOOOOO used for his transgressions and have grown an animosity towards him, the church and my calling. And of course it doesn’t help my daughter has grown an attachment toward him and his kids AND we attend the same church (only one in this area). Maybe I wasn’t ready for this? I struggle a great deal with following the gospel principles as a way of life when I am the only one in my family and lost all my friends as well….I am having such a hard time dealing with this!!!!! especially this way….Any suggestions or advice would be appreciated. Thank You.

Well, the first thing I’d like to do is wish you a warm welcome into the Mormon fold. I am sorry that this transition has been difficult for you on several levels. I’d like to sort my comments into three different themes:

1. The fact you are feeling betrayed by the person who introduced you to the church.
2. The fact you are feeling overwhelmed by the consequences of joining the church.
3. The fact you are in a position where you are faced by #1 if you decide to continue attending church.

1- You are right. Your boyfriend “should have known better.” He, for whatever reasons, was not living in accordance to his religious beliefs and mores. The only thing I can say, especially in the profession I find myself in, is that this is not an uncommon phenomenon. And it isn’t even really related to being a Mormon. It’s more about this uncanny fact that we are all human, we all fall short and most of us aspire to live better than we currently do (the internal drive for progression even amid our shortcomings). I am not trying to minimize what your boyfriend did or his choices when it came to dating you – but I do want to emphasize that if your testimony is tied to the behavior and choices of members, you will oft be disappointed. Although I understand your feeling “used,” my experience says that it was probably more complicated of a process from his point of view. I hope, anyway, that this was not his intention. Hopefully, this is where you can begin to apply your knowledge of the atonement, forgiveness, and repentance in a way that will help buoy you forward instead of keeping you stuck in the past. Forgiveness is not about accepting bad behavior as OK – it is more about allowing your Savior to do the work for you and being willing to move further along your own progressive path.

2- You are right again. Converting to a new religion is a difficult and sometimes seemingly daunting process. You have a new culture to assimilate to, new expectations and responsibilities to live up to, new doctrine to understand and contemplate, and unfortunately those in your social circle who will not understand your choice and choose to leave their relationship with you. This last part can be particularly devastating and heartbreaking. I would hope that some of these people will come back towards your circle as they learn to adjust to this change as well. Change is just hard – even when it’s overall a positive one. I would encourage you to reach out to the support networks that are built in to our Mormon structure that are meant to help you through this adjustment process: your bishop, your relief society president, your home and visiting teachers, etc. Let them know how you are feeling and what your needs are. Hopefully you feel comfortable at least with some of these people and can find it easy to reach out to them. They are not perfect either, and some of them may also disappoint you. But hopefully you will tap into one of the great strengths of the Mormon church – the ward family. A family that is willing to serve you and love you regardless of your weaknesses and regardless of its own.

3- I’m sure that having to attend church with someone you feel out of sorts with is extremely difficult. Frankly, the fact that your daughter has forged some type of connection with this man and his family is a risk you took when you decided to date and introduce your daughter to this partner. This is oftentimes the case for people in your situation. I would hope that the two of you can take on the challenge of being civil and respectful to one another, especially since children are involved. I know it can be a sore reminder of pent up hurts and anger to have him be a visual every Sunday. A possibility, but not a necessity, might be to ask your bishop to mediate a meeting between the two of you. Not that your bishop is a couple’s counselor, but he might be able to help you both have a “closure” style conversation where you can calmly, yet firmly, voice your feelings and come up with a formal plan as to how the two of you can successfully attend the ward without it causing more problems for all involved.

As far as the part of “how” you got the gospel – I’d like to welcome you to the doctrine of “opposition in all things.” This is one of my favorite teachings in the Mormon faith and has helped me understand, or at least come to peace with, many things that otherwise just don’t make sense or seem unfair. Out of everything good, comes something bad – and out of everything bad, comes something good. Without pain, we wouldn’t understand or know how to experience joy. And vice versa.

Again, I welcome you to the church and hope that the things you found meaningful enough to take this amazing, yet challenging, step of conversion will be the things that you can ponder and hold to when things go awry. I hope these thoughts are useful and I wish you the very best in your and your daughter’s future.