How do I get rid of bitterness and resentment within my marriage?

I will try to keep this brief. My wife and I have been married for close to 20 years. With the exception of our engagement and possibly the first few years of our marriage, I have not been satisfied with our relationship. My wife is very independent. She enjoys many friendships. On the other hand, I am more dependent and have few close friendships. I have always looked primarily to our relationship for validation and emotional closeness. I have always struggled to express myself verbally, so generally my approach has been to write notes to my wife to express my desire to strengthen our relationship. In general, her reaction to these notes is to feel inadequate and that she can never be the wife that I want. She rarely responded to my notes, and if I pressed for a discussion, it generally ended with her having the same feelings of failure and inadequacy. A few months ago, I got to the point where I just gave up. I no longer have any hope that the close, reciprocal, interdependent relationship that I desire will ever happen. I am very introspective and have spent countless hours pondering why our relationship is the way that it is, what I can do to improve it, etc. Over the past several years I have read multiple books about marriage and relationships. I just can’t do it anymore. At one point, my question would have been, what should I do to reach my wife and to improve my marriage. My concern now and my question for you is what can I do about the calloused feelings that I seem to have toward my wife now? Outwardly, little has changed. We don’t argue or fight. But nor do we ever discuss emotions or our relationship. We are essentially roommates, and although I no longer believe that our relationship will be anything more than this, I can’t help to still feel disappointed, cheated, and resentful. This just isn’t what I planned on, and it is hard to look forward to another 30 years of the same. Someone looking from the outside would wonder what the problem is with me. They might ask why am I not happy, when I have a wonderful wife. She has always been faithful, but I feel as though her heart is not with me. How can I rid myself of the bitterness and resentment that is growing in my heart? How can I not be disappointed when the reality of our relationship is eons from what I know it could be? How can I accept and love my wife as she is when I really feel betrayed? How can I learn to trust her again?

The fact that you can’t help feeling disappointed is actually one of the most hopeful things I heard you say. Meaning you still would hope for things to be different. Many times it’s these types of “rock bottom” feelings that can act as a catalyst for change. Things I would recommend:

• Communication focused on everything but blame: acknowledgment that many of your issues as a couple come from the fact that you are individuals with different needs, different personalities, different coping mechanisms, different communication styles, etc. These differences are not “wrong” or “right,” they are just different. The fact that your wife has felt “inadequate” with your expressing disappointment means that she has blamed herself or resented you in the process. It is vital for you to reach out to her in a way that takes personal responsibility (acknowledging your own faults and weaknesses), that sees the strengths of each individual and that is futuristic (not focusing so much on the past, but on what you would hope for the both of you in your future together).
• Communication focused on shared dreams, vision and goals: are you both curious about what it is you want for the next 20 years together? I encourage you to share these with her regardless of whether or not she is willing to do so.
• Marriage therapy would be a useful endeavor for the two of you to engage in. Get it set up. Make sure you are clear that your purpose in this is not to hash out the past, but to figure out how both of you can be happier in the future. Once you increase your safety and intimacy this is a good venue to visit past feelings of resentment and do some useful reparation work (i.e. apologies for past hurts, etc.).
• Simple things that develop love and interest can be useful, such as: dating, small acts of service, sharing short stories/jokes, taking a walk together, etc.
• Go back to those first few years, and your courtship, and really think about the things that were different then. How were you different? How can you recreate that version of yourself?

Things you want to communicate are:

• I love you.
• I want to feel closer to you than I currently do.
• I want you to be able to trust me and be confident in your feelings for me.
• I want you to be happy being married to me.
• I want us to feel safe and comfortable with each other.
• I want to share all kinds of intimacy with you – be your true partner.
• These…. are the strengths I see in you.

Help her visualize the future you visualize.

Regardless of what happens as far as her response: you can start redefining your own life – your own dreams, wants and vision. Pick up a copy of “Divorce Busting” by Michele Weiner Davis and read the chapter, “It takes one to Tango.”
I wish you the best.