Does Sexual Abstinence Before Marriage, Help Or Hurt The Process?

I have posted a question that has been of interest to me as I look forward to a time when I would find someone to spend the rest of my life with. I have been divorced for over a year. I posted my question on the podcast on your blog and e-mailed it to Wes. I have posted similar questions elsewhere and asked many people no one has seemed to even try and answer it.

I agree with what you have to say about sex before marriage that it likely does nothing about sexual dysfunction during marriage. I was married to a lesbian for over 16 years, and I believe it does not take sex to know if you are sexually attracted to each other. Given my last marriage finding someone that truly sexually desires me is important, but I see no reason why having sex would be necessary to figure this our or even necessarily helpful.

What I would like to get input about is really two aspects of sexual abstinence before marriage. One if both people are truly sexually attracted to each other it seems that abstinence puts a time limit on courtship. I may be very wrong but it seems like the extreme end of courtship and engagement could not possibly last much more than two years. This seems like it would be difficult to accomplish. If you are someone in their early twenties this seemed a reasonable amount of time to make a decision. Given how well I knew myself I am not sure I needed a lot of time to get to know someone else before I committed myself to them. We could get to know each other and ourselves as we went. I actually think this worked pretty well. Not that we did not have struggles that may have been eased by knowing each other better, and particularly knowing ourselves better. Not the least of which was my wife’s sexual orientation. I do not regret my first marriage – I learned so much from it and still learn from the woman I was married to and we are raising four beautiful children now. But as a forty-one year old man find myself wondering what is the best way to choose my next mate? First of all, I know myself much better than I did as a 20 something. With this I know there are parts of me that are not going to change. Figuring out if I can live with someone knowing some parts of me and her will not change seems like two years is a short time just to figure this out. Particularly given how much of my time is tied up just living. I thought life as a single college student was busy. What hogwash – I did not know what busy was. Once I figure out if I can live with someone, then I need to figure out if two families which can live together is a lot more people and relationships to figure out. How two families can fit together seems a not only extremely important thing to figure out, but time consuming as well.

The second part of my question is choosing sexual abstinence when you are with someone you are not only both sexually attracted to each other, but in love would take a huge amount of effort and energy. More and more effort and energy as time goes on. Will this not take away from ones ability to focus on figuring out if you two will be good at sharing your lives, and the more difficult task of figuring out if and how your families can fit together?

The task ahead of choosing another mate seems massive. Am I wrong to think that sexual abstinence will make this exponentially more difficult maybe even impossible? When I make this decision I want to not only choose well for me and my children’s sake, but I want to do it well.

I would like some input on whether sexual abstinence before marriage will hurt or help this process.

I know this question is complicated by the fact that I am LDS. I have been in the church my whole life. Mission, BYU, Seminary, temple marriage, the works. I am struggling to find a way that remarriage even seems possible.

You ask a lot of good questions – and you are correct in your analysis that the courtship process is exponentially complicated when there are children from a previous marriage. You are also correct in stating that premarital sex is not always a great indicator of postmarital sex, since a sexual relationship is a journey with many different factors that affect it. Due to these complications, we see many single parents among us decide to have a romantic relationship completely separate from their family life – including sexual relationships.

A healthy sexual relationship involves trust, communication, maturity, compromise, safety, friendship, humor and love. Marriage is usually the safest relationship to experience these things – although we also see examples of this not being the case. Marriage does not automatically provide these things. However, it is through marriage or long-lasting committed relationships that many are more likely to develop these relational traits.

Of course it is difficult for most adults to abstain from sex – especially after a marriage where one has enjoyed the benefits of a sexual relationship to some degree or another. There is no magic number (i.e. two years) to a courtship where this becomes less or more difficult. Much of the “difficulty” involved is highly individualized – depending on factors such as libido, stress, family life, etc. The church’s stance on abstaining from sex before marriage applies to all adults (regardless of age). Of course, the decision to abide by this expectation is up to each individual.

The only way I see sexual abstinence hindering the process of meeting your next mate, is if the pressures of wanting to keep the law of chastity propel you to marry before you, she or your family unit is ready to do so. This has especially negative consequences when there are children involved. Second marriages are already statistically disadvantaged and much of this has to do with the stressors surrounding step-family issues. I would hate for a couple to rush into a marriage they are ill-equipped to deal with largely due to sexual drive, and then have the children involved have to go through a second divorce.

Thinking through these issues is an important part of restarting the dating process. The effort of sexual abstinence shouldn’t deter anything in of itself, as long as both you and your girlfriend/fiancee have similar goals and belief systems surrounding this topic. There are many sensual ways of enjoying another without having sex. How you decide to explore this part of your relationship is up to the two of you.

My hope for you is threefold:

That you begin to enjoy the exciting world of dating and find a companion you can share many wonderful years with.
That you use the law of chastity to your advantage. Instead of following it because the prophet or your bishop tells you to, that you find your own meaningful reasons as to why it resonates within you. The law of chastity is meant to be a protection after all.
That you keep your children (especially if they are minors and still living under your home) at the forefront of your dating choices.

Understand that introducing children to multiple dates and/or partners can be confusing and annoying for them. If your children bond to any of your girlfriends, it will be difficult not only for you and her to “break up” but also for your children to part with yet another adult. Try not to introduce the children until the relationship is established, stable and moving towards something serious. Be prepared if you decide to live by different standards than those which you plan to teach your children (i.e. re premarital sex), that they will more than likely call you on it. Just because things aren’t discussed does not mean that they are not known. Children are savvy and uncannily in touch with their surroundings – they are known to pick up on things you wouldn’t even dream of. So, be prepared to have open and frank discussions about your choices.

If you decide to have sex, please do so safely. Use a condom at all times. Ask about and know the sexual history of your partner. Mormons have STDs too. Know that some STDs can be transmitted through oral sex. And adding an unplanned or unwanted pregnancy to an already stressful life situation would be a difficult consequence.

I wish you the very best as you continue to be an active parent to your children, a co-parent with your ex-wife, and as you begin to date. Many people find wonderful success in a second marriage – due to maturity and learning from life experience. It is possible and likely. May you enjoy every facet and stage your life has to offer. Good luck!

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Does sexual abstinence before marriage, help or hurt the process?