Information on and for Stepfamilies

I am currently attending a workshop in Kansas City by William J. Doherty (a relationship expert) titled: Working with Couples on the Brink of Divorce.  I’d like to share some of the statistical information I’m coming across in his presentation.  In doing so, I want to emphasize that I do this in the hopes of providing useful education – not to amplify anxiety, guilt, to discourage people from divorce when necessary, nor to discourage remarriage once divorced.  Having relevant and useful information hopefully helps us act in ways that normalize situations (understanding that many people surrounding us are dealing with similar issues), and encourage us to get appropriate help when needed in order to avoid common pitfalls.

• Over 40% of new marriages are remarriages, of whom 60% have residential children and another 20% non-residential children.
• There are 35 million remarried people in the US and another 36 million who are divoreced or widowed who might someday be in a remarriage.
• With a 40% rate of non-married births in the US, a large number of new marriages form stepfamilies from previous nonmarried births.
• Many cohabitating couples with children are functionally stepfamilies.
• 1/3 of individuals who got divorced in 2008 were redivorcing.
• About 65% of remarriages end in divorce – divorce rates for never-married single parents who marry are also higher.
• Multiple family break-ups are hard on children.  Their emotional and psychological well-being and their confidence in the institution of marriage diminish, contributing go a generational cycle of divorce.
• Stepfamilies vary considerably in complexity by presence and parentage of the children.  The more complex, the more challenges.
• Some studies suggest that stepfamilies are harder for girls than boys.  Younger children adjust better than older children.  Teenage stepdaughter/stepmother combination is particularly difficult.
• Rates of all kinds of abuse are much higher in stepfamilies than in original families.
• 42% of adults have a stepfamily relationship within their social structure.
• 40% of divorced people express some degree of regret about their divorce years later.
• Children inherently understand their “status” within the family in regards to whose child they are (i.e. who are considered the more important children).
• A survey of nearly 2,500 divorcing parents in Hennepin County, MN found that about 3 in 10 individuals thought their marriage could still be saved with hard work and indicated potential interest in reconciliation services.  This included 1 in 10 matched couples where both parties were interested (Ref: Doherty, W.J., Willoughby, B.J., & Peterson, B. (2010). Interest in reconciliation among divorcing parents. Family Court Review, April, in press.).

“Despite these risks, many remarriages and stepfamilies succeed if they get through the rocky early years.”  William Doherty

Another quote taken from his article: Divided loyalties: The challenges of stepfamily life.
“More than anything else, stepfamilies make us face the unpleasant truth that core goals of adults and children, and of husbands and wives, sometimes diverge in family life. We want a divorce and our children want us to stay married to their parent. We want to remarry and our kids want us to stay single–or remarry our original spouse. We want to move to a new house not previously owned by either mate, and our children want to keep their old house, school, and neighborhood. We want to re-create an original, tightly bonded family, and the kids resent the intrusion of newcomers. We expect that stepfamily life will get better before long, and our teenagers are counting the months until they can move out. We want our new spouse to love our children the way we do, and they are also counting the years till the children leave home. When stepfamilies nevertheless succeed in creating a nurturing life together, as many ultimately do, it is a striking human achievement.
“Conceived after a loss and born in a love affair that represents the renewal of hope for grownups but not for children, stepfamilies strive everyday to reconcile that which cannot be fully reconciled. I am reminded of the Spanish phrase about social revolution: “la lucha continua”–the struggle continues. Stepfamilies are the moral pioneers of contemporary family life, showing us all how to love and persevere in the face of loyalties that multiply and divide but never fully converge. “

It is because of this non-convergence that Doherty chooses not to use the term “blended” family.  In essence, it is unrealistic to expect full blending when the desires, needs and goals of parents and children do not match.  It is more a process of recreating.  

Books recommended:
Take Back Your Marriage
Take Back Your Kids

Recommended site:
Children in the Middle