The Mormon Therapist
Our teenager has come out to us as possibly being gay. We are pretty sure he is and want to be supportive in the way we respond. We have told him that we will love him no matter what. Now he is retracting what he said and asked a girl out to the prom, telling us he was mistaken. We are concerned that he is unable to face his orientation because of the many pressures and hardships of our church and general community. Now he seems upset with us and distant. Should we force the issue? Should we give him space? How do we best proceed? And in light of the recent policy changes, how do we even begin to address his needs since we know he loves and is committed to the Gospel?
– Offering support and normalization is the #1 thing parents can do for coming out teens – and you’re already doing that. This is so incredibly important and I hope you recognize what a positive impact you will have on your son because of your approach.
– Coming out is a process – figuring out one’s identity and sexual orientation is a process – so allowing your son the time he needs to figure things out and following his lead are great strategies. Remembering too that sexual orientation presents along a spectrum that includes bisexuality. The Kinsey scale is a good education tool to at least start this conversation.
– Focusing on spirituality as more than just religious duty can be a helpful focus for those committed to Gospel living. Many times our LDS teens see a large part of their worthiness through a sexual lens. Helping him understand that there are many ways one can dedicate their life to God or righteous living, regardless of sexual orientation or sexual choices, can be helpful and liberating. Regardless of whether or not he eventually enters into a homosexual relationship – he can focus on service, charity, integrity, education, love, spiritual practice, etc. Founding principles need not change.
– He may project things unto you (i.e. denial, anger, outbursts, confusion) because you are a safe place for him. Don’t take this personally and understand that it’s all part of the process.
– You will project your own fears unto him – because you’re scared and protective. You are his parents after all. Be mindful about your tendencies towards projection but also be kind to yourselves – it’s normal to be afraid for him and want to help him anyway you know how. And remember that not all that he is facing is because he might be gay. Just being a teen comes with its own inherent challenges.
– Educate him about having good boundaries with church leaders. Sometimes leaders ask questions about same-sex attraction that are inappropriate or that he may not be prepared to know how to handle. He can be honest, and protect his privacy at the same time. Just because they ask a question does not mean he has to answer. Self-protection is an important principle too.
– Role model the ability to be active members of the Church while not always agreeing with everything the Church does or promotes. It can be really helpful for a teen to hear a conversation where one can say: “I really love our Church, it does so much good around the world and has had such a positive impact in my life. At the same time, our Church leaders have made mistakes in the past and continue to make mistakes today. That’s true of any church or organization. I just want you to know that I don’t agree with some of the stances our church has made in regards to homosexual members. I think there is still a lot that we will change or understand better as time goes on. What do you think?”
– Teach overall relational success. Importance of getting to know somebody, importance of sexual attraction, importance of self-protection, importance of emotional connection, etc. Regardless of who he is dating at the time you can be talking about these types of things.
– See if he’d be open to getting some therapy services or joining a support group for teens. Does he have access to a GSA (Gay Straight Alliance) club in his high school? Both gay and straight students attend these meetings so he wouldn’t be outing himself as gay if he went.
Resources:
Family Acceptance Project
SAMHSA report against conversion therapy (in case he would ever want to “change” himself)
LDS Walk With You which can be contacted at ldswalkwithyou@gmail.com. Specifically focused on supporting active LDS parents of LGBT/SSA Mormons. You must be an LDS Parent with a LGBTQIA/SSA child to join the group.
Affirmation (website and annual conference): Online Affirmation and other LGBT Mormon Groups
For the Strength of LGBTQ & SSA Youth Facebook Group
Mama Dragons (You can connect with them via Facebook) (they may also have knowledge of support groups for teens more local to your area)
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