I grew up with the idea that I would get married and in marriage I would become sexually awoke. That my husband would be the person that would give me sexual pleasure. I think that many of the expectations I had around how easy this would be were really wrong. And now that I am left with sexual disappointment and heartache… even with a man I deeply love… I’m not sure what to do. Help.
In no other area of life do we leave to chance what we are willing to do so with sex…
We want a better job… we ask for a promotion, go back to college or start our own business. We want a better physique… we start eating differently, join a gym or adopt a dog to walk every day. We want a better relationship with our kids… we take parenting classes, order self-help books or talk to school counselors.
But when it comes to wanting better sex… we hope that stars align. We are saddened when things don’t happen “spontaneously” or “organically.” We expect our partners to know what we need without having to communicate and act disappointed when things go awry. After all, “if they really loved me….” or “if they really knew me….”, these things would just happen “naturally.” We balk at scheduling as if that is subpar behavior. We’d rather avoid simple touch that might give the wrong message, rather than address libido differences head on. We’d rather remain without orgasm because our bodies should just know how to get there… or worse, our partners should know how to get us there. We assume and give meaning to often meaningless things… because actually talking about erotic preferences is scary, uncomfortable and shouldn’t be “necessary” if “we were really compatible” or “meant for each other.”
What a load of crap we’ve been given in the sexual scripts most of us have been dealt. We don’t adopt these ideas out of stupidity or lack of wanting…. we do so because it’s what we’ve been taught.
You want fireworks….? Let’s go figure out how they are made… Let’s figure out where to purchase them… Let’s figure out the best way to light them… Let’s read up on them… Let’s find the best places to most reliably enjoy them… Let’s not assume we will just walk outside and fireworks will spontaneously appear (because realistically that only happens about once or twice a year).
It’s time to be proactive about our sexuality, our sexual health and our sexual relationships. Don’t leave this important part of your life and wellness to chance.
Check out my latest project at Sex Talk with Natasha. This is a sexual education & resource experience that is meant to be ongoing and comprehensive. More than likely, you will not be able to access the type of sexual healing, sexual education and sexual strategies we are all in dire need of in a weekend retreat or workshop. You can spend thousands of dollars on sex therapy… which if you can afford… I strongly recommend. At the same time, I want to make daily resources available at a low, sustainable cost that you can access at your convenience. From blog posts to weekly Facebook live Q&A’s on a variety of topics to daily actions to homework to online courses to guided imagery and more… for less than what you spend on one fast food meal for a monthly subscription.
Prioritizing your sexuality is important for your health, your self-esteem, your intimate relationships, your spirituality, your ability to manage stress & pain, your potential for pleasure, your children, and your quality of life.
Sexual health is not a frivolity. It is something you are deserving of. It is something we are created and wired for. And if you want improvement in this part of your life… you can do something about it. It will not just “arrive.” It will take proactivity and intentionality. I hope you will take me up on my offer to help you on that journey.
Natasha Helfer Parker, LCMFT, CST runs an online practice, Symmetry Solutions, which focuses on helping families and individuals with faith concerns, sexuality and mental health. She hosts the Mormon Mental Health and Mormon Sex Info Podcasts, writes a regular column for Sunstone Magazine, is the current president of the Mormon Mental Health Association and runs a sex education program, Sex Talk with Natasha. She has over 20 years of experience working with primarily an LDS/Mormon clientele.