FYI: Sacrament Talk

Several people have wanted a copy of my talk on Sunday so I thought I’d just post it here. We had a special service dedicated to visitors. So, my attempt was to discuss some of our fundamental beliefs as well as make it relevant to long term members as well. Forgive any formatting or spelling errors.

Good morning, My name is Natasha Parker for those of you who don’t know me and I am very pleased to have the opportunity to speak with you today. To offer a bit of my own history, I am a child of converts to the Mormon faith. My parents are intellectuals (my dad is a doctor and my mom has her PhD in Spanish literature). From what me and my siblings can tell, they waxed philosophical from a very early age – a trait I’m sure played important in their attraction of one another. They were part hippie (spending most of their 20s in the 60s), they were concerned with social issues of their time and still are, they were deeply affected by the Vietnam War, they were adventurers and they were spiritual seekers – actively looking for meaning in life. Both had lost a parent in their childhood. Both had had complex family dynamics growing up. Both had had experience with different religions throughout their upbringing. Both probably felt somewhat lost in the prospect of raising a successful family themselves. My mother grew up in Latin America where family values and loyalty have fierce standing in the community at large.

So it isn’t surprising really that the Mormon teachings about the importance of family would appeal to them – so much so that a large part of their conversion centered around these doctrines. Touching on two of these doctrines specifically is: First, the idea that we come to earth within the context of a family structure for a specific purpose and as a direct metaphor to a larger “family” – a family with a Heavenly Father who loves us and knows us individually – a family with siblings – basically the rest of us – the entire human race. And one sibling in particular, Jesus the Christ, who was willing to act on our behalf due to his love and personal connection with each of us. This idea that they could commune with a tangible God on a personal level through prayer – be listened to and have questions answered – instead of seeing the divine as some mysterious entity that was largely out of reach – this resonated with them and gave them great peace. Secondly, the notion that family relationships are meant to be eternal in nature – not just to be enjoyed during this life alone, was also life altering for them. Especially for my mother who lost her own mother at the age of one and a half – this grandmother of mine that she had no recollection of and yet had a huge impact through her absence on my mother’s entire life – well, the concept that this relationship was still very much alive and possible was healing in a profound way. These refreshing and revolutionary concepts about family for my parents were new and welcome – and so they were baptized – I was 5 at the time and I can still remember the first time we kneeled as a family with missionaries who taught us how to pray – how to formally show gratitude for all that we had and how to know that we had the right to plead for our needs and desires within the presence of God. And so our experience as a Mormon family began.

Our “happily ever after” is still in progress – and not all of it has occurred happily. As most families we have shared great joy as well as great despair. Great function and great dysfunction. My siblings and I are now all married and dispersed in various geographical locations – but the bonds of family still keep us united and although not all of my siblings have remained as active members of our church, we all agree that the original tenets of our parent’s conversion have become a part of us in ways we will never completely understand nor want to be rid of.

I have grown up to become a marriage and family therapist, not something I necessarily aspired to when I was 5, but have come to know through this career choice some of the vast complexities and dynamics that tend to occur within family living. It is on family that we are dependent on for our very survival as infants – where we usually learn how to attach emotionally and decide whether or not the world is a safe place. It is on family that we depend for our education on values, morals and ethics – where we learn as children our very first lessons on social rules and decorum. It is within the family structure that we generally begin our developmentally appropriate independence dance – the adolescent stage of learning for ourselves and often rebelling against forces that no longer seem as perfect as we had once deemed. It is through the lens of our family upbringing that we face the world and do such things as choose careers, attract friends and spouses, choose political parties, worship, and begin behavioral patterns that often stay with us a lifetime (some good some not so good). It is with family that we celebrate holidays, birthdays, weddings, new births. It is with family that we mourn death, attend funerals, and support through other painful events or failures. Many return to family to be cared for in their elderly years.

I recognize that I am speaking to a wide audience, with a wide range of experiences when it comes to the topic of family. I understand that not everything I say today may apply to your specific situation. Because family is often an emotionally charged topic, please feel free to dismiss anything I say today that does not resonate with your experience, that you find damaging to your spirit or that does not edify you. It is not my intent.

I understand that the concept of family often disappoints. Whether we feel misunderstood, abandoned, have been abused, unable to have our own family – there are many reasons why family is not always analogous to happiness. In fact, at times being loving includes the ability to create healthy boundaries; such as no longer being willing to be an enabler or co-dependent, leaving a marriage that has become violent, or speaking out about an abusive parent.

This family thing can be messy, chaotic, painful. From the beginning of biblical history, we see Adam and Eve’s family reeling from the epitome of sibling rivalry.

Paradoxically, family can be healing, inspiring, a respite. How many of your favorite scriptural stories involve family members looking out for one another, teaching each other and offering the harbor and labor of love?

In essence, the family can be the epitome of what we’d call a beautiful disaster. A conundrum. It is interesting then that the family is an integral part of what we latter-day saints call “the plan of happiness” with a parallel understanding that there will be opposition in all things. That it is impossible to know what joy feels like, without having experienced its polar opposite – pain. In other words, whether we like it or not, pain has purpose.

One of the rarest diseases in the world today is supposedly called congenital insensitivity to pain, or CIPA. These patients have no ability to feel pain through their nerve endings, and although this might seem like a great way to live, most people with this disease do not live past age 25, cannot empathize socially with the rest of the world that does feel pain, and are usually a danger to themselves since pain is an indication to the brain that something should be done (for example removing your hand from a hot burner).

A Mormon family therapist called Carlfred Broderick once said:

“The gospel of Jesus Christ is not an insurance against pain. It is a resource in event of pain, and when that pain comes, when it comes, rejoice that you have a resource to deal with your pain.”

So, when we speak of “love at home”, let us think past the stereotypical “leave it to beaver” scenario we tend to put on a pedestal, and instead embrace a much more nuanced and deep understanding of what it means to be involved in emotionally intimate relationships – especially through the lens of practicing Christianity.

Because if we believe our purpose on this earth is somehow connected to a learning experience – to a “Striving to be our best” – this process unequivocally includes failure. And Failure is a funny thing, because we all avoid it – even dread it – and yet, it befalls us all. It is a constant companion, it is an educator, it is an enemy, and at times can be transformed into a dear friend.

You see it’s easy to love the best side of people -. The side we often show in public venues such as this one. The side that is on its best behavior. This poses no challenge really. It’s often behind closed doors, in the safety of the presence of those who know us best, that we dare show our darker parts. It’s a reality that we are most likely to hurt those whom we love the most – yet, there can be something beautifully redeeming about this process. It’s because of the openness, honesty and love that is often found in family relationships that we can find ourselves loved in spite of. That the entity of a person’s soul – both good and bad – are accepted and said person belongs. That the possibility exists to be loved, truly loved, regardless of our actions, our appearance, our beliefs, our disagreements, our misunderstandings. I know this is the ideal, and that it is not everyone’s actual experience. But After all, isn’t this the epitome of being a Christian. A follower of Christ. I can’t think of any two words that depict this generous man’s character and work any more than “unconditional love.”

Pure love –

Isn’t this the man that challenged all of his current traditional mores and faced punishment and public ridicule to go to bat for an adulteress that was about to be stoned. The man that taught about looking for the plank in one’s own eye before looking for the speck of sawdust in our brother’s or sister’s eyes. To not judge others, accepting that we know not all that takes place in another’s upbringing, genetics, culture, biology, etc. To reach beyond our fears or cultural norms and tend to those bleeding by the side of the road as the Samaritan did.

Isn’t he the author of the golden rule: do unto others as you would have done to you. The champion of forgiveness and its healing power in our lives. The one who spoke and taught in parables about a prodigal son being welcomed back home even after failure and bad choices had ruined much of his life; about a lonely, lost sheep out of a flock of hundreds yet not worth losing – worth going after. The one who said “blessed are the peacemakers.” The one who made clear that the reigning commandments above all others were the ones attached to the choice to love when he said:

“‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like unto it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’”

What better place then to practice and learn Christ’s teachings than this laboratory we call family.

Are we really ready to follow this revolutionary man we call Christ – our Savior? Are we ready to allow the simple concept of love to transform us and those whom we claim to love. To allow for forgiveness, whether we know how to offer it, accept it or not – and when we don’t know how, to hand it over to Him. Are we prepared to allow for redemption. To allow for grace. To allow for a Savior to exist within the walls of our homes. These are rhetorical questions meant to help you ponder and explore – not to cause shame or guilt so please don’t go down that road. In Romans it says, “let us therefore follow after the things which make for peace, and things wherewith one may edify another.” This is one of my favorite scriptures along with the Book of Mormon teaching that -we are – we exist – that we may have joy. This is what I pray for – your personal joy and for joy within the realm of our families, for each and every one of us. I offer up my testimony in my Lord, Jesus Christ and his beautiful teachings of love, acceptance and redeeming grace. In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.