The Mormon Therapist
Well, you’re not going to like my response and you probably will not post it, but here goes: For me, it was just the opposite. Sex-wise, my beautiful and beloved wife was conservative in the early days of our marriage – although every now and then, something magical would happen and she would simply be amazing. I think her conservatism mostly had to do with her fear of getting pregnant, which she did five times. After the fifth time, she had complications that resulted in the removal of her ovaries. Suddenly, there was no chance of her getting pregnant again and, my goodness! Did she become a passionate lover! No woman in her 20’s could match her. This wonderful state lasted for close about ten years, but then she had hormonal problems and developed type 2 diabetes. Her tissues became brittle and were continually cracking, causing her pain. She made many trips to the gynecologist and tried many things, but nothing helped. Then one day she said to me, “I’m sorry, but no more. I don’t have it anymore. I am done with sex. Never again.” My desires remained as strong as ever. So yes, we would cuddle and sometimes she would masturbate me and sometimes I would masturbate myself as she caressed me and it was nice, but kind of like a bowl of Campbell’s soup is nice but if that is all you ever get to eat, you are not going to be happy or healthy. It got worse and worse and worse for me and I started doing strange things, like masturbating in the car, or going out on foot at night, stripping all my clothes off and then masturbating in what in daylight would be a public place. I downloaded countless pictures of naked women into my computer and masturbated in front of it. And then, once when I was away from home, after five years of celibacy, I hired a prostitute. I loved the experience. It was wonderful. It just was. And all those strange behaviors I just described ended. And now I hire a prostitute whenever I can and despite my staunch Mormon upbringing, I feel no guilt about it. I could not keep such a secret from my wife and so told her. For awhile, it caused her a great deal of consternation, but we came to an understanding that, all sexual matters aside, we deeply love each other. Many men would have left her when she could no longer give them sex, and many women would have left me when I began to cavort with prostitutes. But we are still committed to each other. Concerning the prostitutes, I do have one concern. I do not wish to use women who are not doing this of their own choice and I take steps to see that I don’t. And while this may sound contradictory to you, given the reasons that I get together with them, I treat them with respect and gentleness. I have concluded that in its teachings, the church is just flat out wrong about sex. There is nothing intrinsically evil about sex even outside the bounds of marriage. Look at the sex life of Joseph Smith and then ask yourself how this transformed into the stifling rigidity the church operates under today. Society would be much better off if it would recognize the true and absolute fact that sex is a human need, that men tend to be particularly driven. Instead of outlawing prostitution, it should be legalized and prostitutes should be protected, as should those who are underage or who are now enslaved. And no, we don’t go to church anymore.
- Believe it or not, you could live off of Campbell’s Soup if you had to. With its many varieties, you would be able to find all of the essential ingredients for survival. And although you may not be ecstatic eating it every day, you would be somewhat healthy. As far as happy – that is a relative term. I know people who have steak every day and yet are not as happy as some who live in severe poverty and even hunger. Happiness for the most part is a chosen state of mind.
- “Many men” do NOT leave their wives when the sex stops – especially Mormon men. In fact, there are many who are writing into this blog with this exact frustration and yet have stayed married for years. There is a possibility in ANY marriage that sexuality will have to take a back-burner position – especially when there are medical issues and health limitations. What is so impressive about your wife is that even though she was no longer finding pleasure in sex, she was still willing to help you meet your needs through the ways you describe above. For you to deem this effort on her part “not sufficient” is in my opinion short-sighted, selfish and immature. It leads me to believe that there is some sexual developmental issue in your past that has been unresolved. I would have hoped that you could both have continued down the road of joint sexual experimentation, instead of the path you chose.
- Although it is impressive that you and your wife have remained married through these challenges and have experienced what I imagine are many levels of tolerance and forgiveness, some red flags go up for me. My main concern for your wife is that she is staying in this relationship because of underlying belief systems that villanize divorce regardless of the situation. In our Mormon culture we strongly believe in facing trials, even expecting trials, versus running from them – the “endure to the end” mentality. We are pro-marriage. We are pro-family. We see divorce usually through the lens of the destruction of family. However, you are continually breaking your marital contract with your wife. She needs to know that she has a legitimate out if she wants it. If she doesn’t, then that is her choice. I just hope she knows she has the right to leave you and is not staying out of guilt-induced reasons.
- I hesitate to judge anyone too harshly for “justification” since we all fall prey to it in one form or another. However, your case is a perfect example of how little by little, we all have the potential to take the road of convincing ourselves that our bad choices or behaviors are “OK,” “not that bad,” “makes sense for me,” etc., etc. We ultimately find ourselves in a position where our current state is completely in conflict with the values and beliefs we started out with.
- In the years immediately following my graduate studies, I had the opportunity to work in a drug abuse treatment center in the heart of Detroit. In this setting I worked with numerous women who had resorted to prostitution for a variety of combined reasons: to finance their addictive habit, to feed their children, to attempt an escape from poverty, to fulfill financial and relational “debts” to a pimp (i.e. they’re being threatened), etc… I can tell you that ALL of these women I worked with came from a history of some type of sexual abuse. In other words, their sexual development had been stunted and permanently altered at an early age. Therefore, even if they are acting as “consensual adults” they are acting in ways that are highly self-destructive. Some women, especially the younger ones, can justify this profession as an “expression of their sexuality,” “being artistic,” “expressing their femininity,” etc. However, they usually do not have the maturity or life experience to realize the effects this profession will have on their lives and their children’s lives. As a consumer you are very much a part of this destructive pattern. I will make my stance firmly clear: your justification that you are being “gentle” or “caring” with these women is just not founded!! By contributing to this profession, you are automatically contributing to a devastation I cannot even begin to describe. I will never forget one of these beautiful, battered sisters of mine who told me, “I know that every time I sell my body, I sell a piece of my soul.” I think that comment will haunt me forever.
- You have to also realize that a prostitute will tell you what you want to hear. In fact, that is part of her job description. She is not going to get into the emotional scars that come along with her profession. You will never be fully aware of the complexity behind the prostitute’s background and where the money you are giving her is going.
- There are some arguments saying that legalizing prostitution may help some of the women with the physical ramifications (mainly protection against pimps, traffickers and extortion). However, much of the research disagrees with this stance and legalization will do nothing for the emotional and spiritual damage prostitution causes.
- Be open to the reality that you are almost definitely a sex addict. Understand that “justification” is a big part of this disorder. Be willing to look at what treatment for this disorder is about. There are many treatment centers around the country that specialize in sexual addiction and you can find resources on the “sidelines” of my blog. I sincerely hope you will begin such treatment and be willing to face basic personal accountability regarding your sexuality.
- Be open to the possibility that although you have found a “solution” that “feels” good, it may not be the best solution FOR you. You may be feeling great sexually, but how is this behavior affecting you spiritually, emotionally and even physically (you are participating in HIGH RISK sexual behavior that can lead to all types of STDs not to mention HIV). You are also participating in an illegal activity for which you are facing arrest and legal ramifications which will affect your career, your family, and your freedom.
- Whether or not your wife is tolerating your behavior, be willing to recognize that your “solution” is one that causes her pain. In one way or another you are absolutely hurting the intimacy and potential of your relationship. Even if you stay married you will have shortchanged your wife and yourself if you do not stop this behavior.
- Recognize that the issues that your wife brings to your marriage (not being able to sexually engage due to disease) and the issues that you bring to your marriage (“cavorting with prostitutes”) are NOT equal in gravity. One is a betrayal and one is not.
- I wonder if out of the five children you have, if one of them is a daughter? If so, can you honestly look at her and wish this type of lifestyle for her? I can’t imagine your answer would be yes. If it is yes, I can guarantee you are doing more of the justification. I hope the next time you hire a prostitute, you think of that person as a daughter of God. She is someone’s little girl, she is a sister, she is possibly a mother, she is of value – and you and this profession cheapen, harm and belittle her divine worth. I hope that thinking of your own daughter(s) will lessen the arousal you are able to achieve from here on out.
- I agree with you: sex is NOT evil. However, sexual exploitation is. I hope you will be open to recreating your own sexuality. I believe you will find something much more meaningful in that process as well as much personal growth.
Although I respectfully disagree with you, I wish you and your wife only the best in the future.
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