The Mormon Therapist
I have been wondering about similar things recently. I’m dating someone who has only been in the church for four months. He has amazing potential and his faith and testimony are already amazing. But when I think about marrying him, I worry about sexuality. I certainly believe that his sins have been washed away and forgive him for making those decisions though he wasn’t a believer at the time. But that doesn’t get rid of the fact that we can’t discover the joys of sex together. I think I will always feel insecure about/second to his previous experiences and can imagine myself using that as an argument against him if we were to ever disagree about something. I think I’d always wonder if he was comparing me to his ex-girlfriend and if he didn’t say anything about it, I’d wonder and wonder and probably ask about it, but knowing would just upset me more. But he deserves a happy eternal marriage as much as any child of God, and I can see that otherwise, the partnership would be great.
I’d love to see more on this subject. Thanks for all your tips.
- First of all, it is always highly impressive to me when an adolescent/single adult decides to convert to our religion. It is a time in life when most of their peers are doing the opposite. Partying, having multiple relationships and trying to get careers going are usually what’s in most of this age-group’s agenda instead of spiritual growth. It is much more common to see people ready to embrace religion when they are beginning a family. So I agree that his spiritual potential probably is “amazing!” What a wonderful thing for him to have embraced the gospel at this time of his life. And how lucky you are to be close to someone who is so full of spiritual awakening.
- It is very common for young men (and young women) not of our faith to be dabbling in sexual behavior before marriage and even in their adolescent years. If this young man was not raised in an environment where chastity was taught and encouraged, it would be highly likely for him to have had sex. It is highly likely, unfortunately, even when these things ARE taught. Social pressure on teenage boys to “get laid” and prove themselves by having sex is astronomically high. Virgin teens are ridiculed and seen as geeks who “can’t get it up” or are intimidated by women. They can also be harassed for being gay. The sexual climate in high school and college is confusing, pressure-filled and incredibly non-private. Low-income teens are even more likely to start having sex at a young age. The median age at first intercourse is 16.9 years for boys and 17.4 years for girls according to research done by the Kaiser Family Foundation. I think it is important to take into account our culture’s sexual climate when placing our judgments.
- It is just not true that you would not be able to discover the joys of sex together. Whether or not a person has been sexually active previous to the current relationship, sex is going to be a new experience which each person. And added to that dynamic, it will be a very new sexual experience to wait until marriage and then share this intimate relationship with one you now call your spouse. You will discover joys that are meant for you and him – and only you and him.
- I hope what I say next will be taken in the spirit I mean it, because I am in no way trying to be harsh. But by being unable to empathize with another’s position and placing unnecessary judgment on another, you run the risk of acting in a way that would be deemed as “self-righteous.” In the talk Parables of Mercy given by Richard Lloyd Anderson he quotes the Prophet Joseph Smith saying, “Christ was condemned by the righteous Jews because he took sinners into his society. He took them upon the principle that they repented of their sins. … The nearer we get to our Heavenly Father, the more are we disposed to look with compassion on perishing souls to take them upon our shoulders and cast their sins behind our back. … ” If you are a strong enough daughter of God to have been able to withstand the influences of becoming sexually active before marriage, I have to believe that you are strong enough to show compassion and do no such thing as open another’s healing wound at a time of disagreement or anger. If you have a good enough understanding of the atonement and it’s endless possibilities, you should know that this issue should not stand in your way of a successful relationship with the one you choose to call your husband.
- The other area that you may want to think about developing is that of your self-esteem. I have mentioned before that it is not uncommon for people to have comparison fears and mental visualizations when there have been previous sexual encounters that can have a very real and negative effect on a couple’s sexuality. However, this does not need to be the case. If you can be at a point where you feel good about yourself and good about what you are going to offer the man who marries you, then you will be able to reach a healthy maturity that will greatly underscore the negative psychological issues mentioned above. After all, the person who marries you is CHOOSING YOU and wants to be with YOU! The same goes the other way around. There is great power in that! Make the most of that choosing power.
- If you do end up together, it will be important for you to discuss your feelings and thoughts regarding this issue openly and freely with him. In my previous post, I discuss the importance of keeping sexual disclosure to general information but it is still important and perfectly appropriate for you to get some basic questions answered. Hopefully you can both do this in a mature, respectful and loving way.
Now, I’m not trying to convince you that this is the man you are meant to marry 🙂 . Only you and he will be able to come to that conclusion. I just hope you make this very important decision based on correct principles that include the doctrinal concepts of mercy, forgiveness and the atonement – not only for the one you choose to marry but for yourself as well. Remember the golden rule: treat others as you would want to be treated. Good luck and may you enjoy this wonderful and exciting time in your life.
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