The Mormon Therapist
Not sure your opinion on this view of shame vs. guilt, but I had heard something that stuck with me. The idea was that guilt is something that can be earned, but shame is inherited from unhealthy attitudes (e.g. sexual repression) that we get from our parents. When we are “shamed” as children for what is natural, this causes psychological damage and can be confused with guilt. But only guilt (actual transgression) is earned. We have to find a way to let go of the inheritance of shame to be able to prevent it from passing on to our children as it was passed to us.
One of the definitions of shame goes as follows (freedictionary.com):
A painful emotion caused by a strong sense of guilt, embarrassment, unworthiness, or disgrace.
So I’m not one to completely dismiss the idea of shame as one that is appropriate if there has been a behavior to elicit such a feeling (an extramarital affair, a crime, a violent outburst, etc.).
Where shame is inappropriately felt, is exactly in the situation you describe – when it is an “inherited,” or passed down emotion due to things that are completely out of our control (i.e. the color of our skin, our sexuality, our level of intellect or education, a handicap, etc., etc.). And unfortunately, what is common about this type of shame is that it tends to define the individual, the family or even the culture wherein it is found (i.e. racism, bigotry, religious oppression, cultures at war, etc.).
The terms guilt and shame have much in common and it can be somewhat tedious to try to make a clear discernment between the two. What I believe to be more important is in deciphering why these feelings are in place. “Do I feel a sense of guilt, embarrassment , unworthiness or disgrace because I did something wrong? Something I need to repent of? Or do I feel this way because of who I am?” If the answer is yes to the first question, then shame can serve as a motivator to get as back on track. If the answer is yes to the last question, then this is an inappropriate feeling contrary to how God feels about us and contrary to how He wants us to feel about ourselves.
It is also important to note that even when shame is felt appropriately, it is not healthy to stay in this state. It is also not healthy to feel 3 pounds of shame for something that should only elicit 1 pound. I know many people who are feeling intense shame for things they did years ago. Even things they have appropriately repented of. This is not healthy because again, the shame defines the individual. “I did a bad thing therefore, I am a bad person.” At the end of the day, who we are is a child of God. It would behoove us to readily remember this incredibly powerful doctrine – in dealing with both ourselves and with others. This means there is divinity in every single one of us. I think we take this teaching for granted sometimes without really pondering its implications when it comes to how we truly see ourselves.
And yes, you make the excellent point that it is within our personal responsibility to become as aware of unnecessary and painful perceptions as possible and then make our best effort to not pass them along to our descendants. The ability to challenge our self-perceptions along with proper education are paramount to this process.
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