The Mormon Therapist
While I don’t dispute that many wives (and/or husbands) have experienced serious issues that make intimacy within marriage a challenge, from my admittedly limited observations, reading, etc., I believe that perhaps a larger issue is apathy and disinterest toward this important part of marriage. In a way, although I don’t want to minimize the trauma that some have experienced, I believe that a more specific, difficult event is more “treatable” or more easily dealt with- it should at least be more easily recognized and possibly more apt to discuss and to resolve.
Apathy or indifference, however, seems much more difficult, in my opinion. If there is no specific reason for one’s lack of interest in intimacy, then it must just be how I am, and I cannot change. Despite pleadings from their sexually starved spouses, many apathetic husbands or wives just are not interested in discussing sexuality, reading about it, or doing anything to improve the situation. This is where the frustration level increases and where it seems as though there are no solutions except for enormous amounts of patience and a constant reminder of the need to love in spite of feeling unloved.
- When couples have differences in either the frequency of sex that is acceptable or the type of sexual encounter that is acceptable, it is paramount that they be willing to begin an open, non-judgemental and honest discussion together. And if they are unable to do this by themselves, then they need to seek help from an objective professional who can point out negative cycles and patterns the couple currently finds themselves in. Both marriage & family therapists as well as sex therapists are qualified to do this work.
- I hope my position can be a motivator for people to move towards action. Because what I do not want is to move people towards added shame or guilt. Shame and guilt are not going to be helpful in solving this problem – in fact it will exacerbate it. Honesty and the willingness to be vulnerable in a safe environment will be the keys to success. The challenge to the other spouse is to provide the safe environment.
- Where I disagree somewhat with the poster is that it is usually not the case that there is “no specific reason” for a lack of interest in sexual intimacy. We are all born with a sexual self that is inherent to who we are as a child of God. Unfortunately, many things can happen to this sexual self along life’s journey that take it off the natural course it is supposed to be on. In other words, sexual apathy or indifference is usually a symptom of a deeper, many times hidden, and even unconscious issue. For example:
- Any type of sexual abuse or trauma is going to have negative implications for a person’s sexuality. And what needs to be addressed is that the majority of people who have been sexually abused are in a trap of shame and secrecy well into their adult years, if not their entire lives. Just because your spouse tells you they have not been sexually abused does not mean they haven’t. Disclosing this past trauma can be an incredibly difficult, anxiety-producing and painful process that many would understandably rather avoid. Some have even repressed these memories to the point that they may not remember the abuse took place. Yet, the repercussions are still there. What a complicated issue to try to work out!
- Hormonal changes, especially for women, can have rampant effects on sexuality. This is especially the case during the years of child bearing, nursing, during possible PMS, and menopause. For example, it is natural for a woman’s sex drive to decrease during the months or years she nurses a child. Biologically speaking, the body is trying to keep itself from getting pregnant since it knows it is already nourishing a baby. Men go through hormonal changes as well, although usually not as drastic. As men age, usually testosterone levels decrease which can affect sex drive and even erectile function. Anytime we feel inadequate in our sexuality, it can bring about strong feelings of anxiety, which then further exacerbates sexual functioning. Anxiety and sexual passion don’t go together well. Educating ourselves regarding normal bodily functions and how they relate to sexuality is an important process for all couples.
- Relationship issues that carry over into the bedroom is another culprit of sexual apathy. I’ve already spoken on how sexuality is not only a physical phenomenon, but also very much tied to the psyche. If a couple is angry, hurt, disappointed, etc., with each other, it can be extremely difficult to turn off those emotions when it comes time to wanting to be physically intimate. These issues, if left unaddressed, can turn lethal for many marriages.
- Issues surrounding self- image and cultural expectations that our bodies need to look a certain way in order for us to feel sexy or attractive have been extremely damaging to self-esteems. It can be difficult to allow yourself to be touched and loved physically when you deprecate the body you have or even worse, when your spouse has criticized your body as well.
- Rigid and inaccurate portrayals of sexuality that are passed on by many times well-meaning parents or leaders can also be detrimental. Growing up with the ideas that sex is bad or dirty can have devastating effects for people later as far as their abilities to get in touch with their passionate and sensual selves.
This is by no means an all-extensive list but is meant to address some very real issues that many people are facing. Sexuality is so personally centered in each of us that any slight problem can immediately be blown out of proportion, which then inadvertingly affects the next sexual encounter. And so a negative cycle ensues that leaves people apathetic, hopeless, shamed, angry or hurt. I would encourage anyone who is in this situation to seek professional help. Because it is a sad state of affairs for both partners when they are missing out on what can be such a wonderful and inspiring part of life: sex!
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