enigmas and anomalies

Years ago at the Clinical Pastoral Education course that I took, another student who was extremely frustrated with me yelled out at me in front of the whole class, “David, you are an enigma!” At the time, I wasn’t sure how to take it. He intended it as an expression of his frustration with me, and so I took it as an intended insult. However, when I thought about it further, I decided to take it as a compliment. “Enigma: somebody or something that is not easily explained or understood.” I’m inexplicable, and it frustrated him.

Then, just this last weekend, I met a woman who is a very successful book distributor to Christian book stores. She had shelves of extra copies of books that she wanted to give to Lisa and me as a gift. We got to know her and her husband, and through our conversations, she discovered what my interests were in theology and pastoral care… all that stuff. She discovered that I read everything from Barth to Torrance to John Paul Jackson and T. D. Jakes. She said that she doesn’t really carry anything of the Barth variety because Christian book stores just aren’t interested, not only because it is often considered uninspiring and too intellectual, but also because it doesn’t sell. She was perplexed that I read such a wide variety of literature, but mostly that I read such a wide variety of theology. She looked at me and said, “You are an anomaly! I’ve not come across someone like you. The people I meet in the business are either intellectual or charismatic. Not both. That is rare.”  I took it as a compliment. “Anomaly: something that deviates from the norm or from expectations… something strange and difficult to identify or classify.” I’m a deviant!

I realize, because I’ve taken enough psychology, that being strange and difficult to classify could stem from my unwillingness to be known and understood. I know that it could be my defense-shield against intimacy and vulnerability. That may be true. But what I feel is truer is that I long for the marriage of the two: intellect and emotions… the head and the heart… the mind and the soul… whatever. I long for the heights of intimacy with God and the manifestation of that in passionate worship and joyful living… the mystic’s path. But at the same time I long for the depths of wisdom and knowledge, and that the manifestation of that in meaningful living, justice, freedom and love. I want to know Christ… not just with my mind, but also with my heart. And this is what I long and pray for in my church.