It’s Not So Much That You Want To Die

Mary Bell from Orlando, Florida, wrote this poetically written letter to me following the post about my friend taking his own life this past Monday. I received her permission to post it here because I thought it was an honest and accurate picture into her own struggle. Even though each one is unique, this is her story:

I’m so sorry.
I commented, but wanted to say more:
I have had bouts of suicidal moments.
I understand the reasonings of the wanting to leave.
it’s not so much that you want to die
it’s that you just can’t continue to live.
not as things are.
and the Lies weigh so much more than the trues.
they are so convincing
and it’s just so hard to see anything BUT said Lies.
and all you want is the pain to stop
to ease
to get a breath
because your lungs are exploding
and the only thing you can come up with is death.
“death will stop this. and nothing else will. because I’ve tried everything else.”
basically, it’s a failure of imagination.
people say it’s very selfish.
and maybe so.
but I always hate hearing that.
I don’t want to think of myself as selfish.
but
if I am.
well
I am
aren’t I.
I am still breathing oxygen because Jesus has staid my hand
and held my hand
even there
even then
and
I’m happy to report
it’s been almost a year without my hand reaching for that comforting blankey of “then I will just kill myself!”
not physically making a plan – but the emotional comfort of going to that place of “I should just die. that will solve it!”
but I know just how it feels to see no other options.
to be at your end of answers.
so
if I could be of any assist
I am happy to.
I’m really sorry you all have this to go through.
it totally stinks.
for real.