Fear of Flight

I’m in a deep hole today. I can’t see any way out right now. So I’m not even bothering to try. I’m just here. I didn’t even bother to do a cartoon today. I just couldn’t find what it took. I am clothed in sackcloth and dust myself with ashes. And no one understands. Not even I.

There are times like this for me where I feel completely hopeless. There are times when I just submerge like never before. I feel like I am surrounded by utter darkness with no firm foundation beneath my feet, like a nightmare. It’s times like these when I feel like I’m drowning in the inevitable. Nothing seems to get better. In spite of all my efforts, nothing improves and my future looks just as grim as it did yesterday. It’s like I am a train locked on rails carrying me to my fate. I am tangled in the undergrowth of suffering. A net has been cast over me and I have been caught, enslaved by a mysterious invader who shows no mercy, who doesn’t care.

I said to Lisa today that I just want to scoop her up and flee to a cabin deep in the woods. Let’s escape from it all! If we could, would we? Quit! But I don’t have the means. I lack the wings that would take us there. It’s then I realize I am trapped. I am trapped! Is that death prowling around me, methodically tightening the circle with every round? I am afraid to escape. But I am just as afraid to stay. I have escaped before, but I know the severe cost. I’m not sure I have that much courage in my account. I am shackled by my own fear.

(POSTSCRIPT: I wrote this post in an attempt to reveal the darker side of the struggles of ministry. I used some psalms as a basic structure, such as the desire to flee to the desert if I had wings to fly. I realize that it sounds awfully dark, even depressing. But I think it does expose some of the realities of my experience as well as that of many others. I receive personal emails from pastors and church-leaders and -goers from all over the world that appreciate seeing the transparency of my struggles and often recognize them as their own. Like all of these kind people who write me, I too hope that the sun will soon shine through the overcast. In fact, I am confident it will.)

//

twitter me

Check out my t-shirts HERE. I’m growing my inventory all the time. And check out my contemplative art here.