Leaving Room for Growth

Leaving Room for Growth June 14, 2020

Sometimes I really don’t know where to begin with these blog posts. I always feel the urge to simplify, but the human experience is never simple. It’s made up of complex emotions and choices influenced by other equally complex factors. Yet truth still crystallizes in the center of it all as a neat little takeaway, a nugget of wisdom born from the experience, like diamonds out of coal.

I imagine this is true for many of us this year, but I’m not the same person I was even six months ago. Some things do remain constant. I function on intuition and from a center that magnetizes me in the direction I am meant to go. When our wills are submitted to only the call of our own spirit, we are powerful forces. One night six months ago under goddess knows what moon phase my spirit led me to take an offering to the tree to whom I am bound, and to stand at the makeshift crossroads underneath and speak to Hekate about the call to change I felt within. I asked her to open the way and to guide me.

Unsurprisingly, in the following months my life as I knew it came undone in every way (just as the meme suggests). I found myself staring at an expanse of bare soil where almost everything I had spent the last five years building for myself once stood. In some ways I was still clearing away the rubble of what was demolished, but the wind took most of it in one powerful gust. What was still standing on the perimeter were the unmovable, unshakeable things. Where does one even begin when faced with such an enormous liminal space? I’ll tell you: begin with yourself.

To me that looked like the work of reclaiming. Luckily, I had already taken the Sacred Seven course from one of my mentors and had an idea of sovereignty magick. I created a new sigil, participated in a new ritual. I took back my name. I took back my abundance. I took back my joy, my choice, my autonomy, my voice. I participated in a soul-retrieval ritual with my online coven and felt the healing wash through me, gentle, as piece after piece returned.

I learned about the warrior blood of my ancestry coursing through my veins. I met the end of my seemingly endless reserves of compassion and empathy, and I felt the ruthlessness that lies at the bottom of that well run dry. I met who I am when the gloves and the earrings really come off. And I liked her.

With all that I have gone through in my life, I have been able to carry on and do what needs to be done with unyielding resolve and without doubt. This time around I had many moments where I wondered if I really had it in me to do what needed to be done. Every moment of doubt was interrupted by unbidden reassurance from a friend or family member via text, telling me that I am strong, that I am supported. Despite the needling, the conflict, the chaos that I was in the midst of, my solid foundation was within me. I was the one growing from the dirt where everything I had built used to stand, rooted deeply in the power and support of my ancestors and Hekate.

From myself with my ancestors behind me, from the ground up, I crafted a new life: new work, a new home, a new beginning. When I write that I crafted a new life I mean I literally crafted it with magick, influencing the direction of even the smallest details. I’ve worked more magick in the past six months than I had the whole year prior. And I found that in this avalanche of change many of the intentions I’d been working on for months and years prior were manifesting one after the other like a swift alchemy. The floodgates opened. Any doubt I had in my power or in my work were gone. The book on many of the lessons I needed to learn finally closed. The roads opened.

Maybe I’m making it sound romantic. I don’t want to leave you with the impression that it was easy or fun or light. The stress was immense, and I still find that on the whole, I am exhausted. It was a slow, laborious process, and I wanted to avoid a great deal of it in the moment while I was facing it. When you ask Hekate to facilitate change, you can expect that she will ruin you. Let that last sentence sink in, because it’s important. I’d like to gloss over and tell you about how what you create from the ashes is is immensely better (it is), but that’s not the point. The point is to face and feel what it means to be in ruins. The point is, the direction your spirit takes you in isn’t ever without risk.

Getting comfortable with what causes most people discomfort will do more to create a state of peace within you than anything else, and from that peace power grows, because it accompanies the willingness to heed the call of your spirit in whatever direction it tells you to go. Uncertainty stops playing much of a role. Discomfort stops playing much of role. Fear of loss loses its luster when you’ve spent so much of your life losing, and you realize that you always end up gaining too. Witchcraft born of requirement can’t afford the luxury of doubt. Then suddenly, doubt has no place whatsoever. There is no initiation without tribulation. All of this is a gift.

Luckily, life moves in cycles, and we can rest again. I am happier now, but I wonder about the future, knowing I’d like to avoid another immense upheaval if I can with the choices I make now. When I bring it up to my ancestors, you know what they say? In every choice you make, leave room for growth.

 

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