I confess that I left work early last Wednesday to go work in my yard. I never do this, well hardly ever. I was trying to prepare for a sermon, but nothing was clicking. So I figured I’d head out, use the church pickup truck to go get a load of mulch and dirt for my house, and then mow my lawn. If I couldn’t get on track studying & reading, maybe some physical labor would help.
Back when our church was portable we bought a big old 8-cylinder diesel dually pick up truck and used it to pull our trailer. It’s a beast. This might be the funnest automobile I’ve ever driven in my life. It’s big and loud and powerful. When we bought a building we held on to it so we could haul things back and forth from storage, and so folks from our congregation could borrow it when they need a truck. I went home, grabbed a pitchfork and shovel and headed back to work to try and start the truck. Since it’s only driven every few weeks it often won’t start, and I had to jump it to get it going.
I drove to the dump feeling strong and powerful right up to the point where it died just inside the gate about 30 feet past the check in station… totally in the way of every entering vehicle. It was completely dead. This was around 3pm and they close at 4:00. I spent the next 45 minutes trying unsuccessfully to get it started–part of that time with the help of a local fire-fighter named John (thanks John). Finally, I went & talked to the guy at the dump & asked if I could leave it there overnight & come get it in the morning. He seemed completely irritated by this anomaly, but finally said okay (mostly, I think, so he could go home). My new fire fighting friend gave me a ride to Walmart where Kristin picked me up.
That’s when I realized that I had left the keys to my car & my wallet locked in the truck, now behind a locked gate at the dump. Not good. Kristin had to get both boys to activities the next morning, and I had an early breakfast meeting. We were going to need two cars & I only have one key to mine. So I made Kristin take me back over to see if I could get into the dump. The gate was closed & locked, and the fence was forbidding, as were the signs announcing “video surveillance.” (I’m not quite sure why we need video surveillance at the dump, but okay). We turned around and headed for home when I noticed that the fence turned into just a regular barbed wire fence (like a farm fence) after about 150 feet from the gate. It would be easy to climb through, sprint to the truck, grab my keys & be back out before anyone noticed. I said, “Slow down. Let me hop out. I think I can get in right through there.”
You have to understand that this is so out of character for me. I’m a total rule follower. Trespassing of any kind is typically a non-starter. But the next morning was a problem & I didn’t want to have to cancel my meeting. So Kristin pulled over & just as I was about to hop out of the car & climb the fence to do a little trespassing, we see a police patrol car coming from the other direction. He’s eyeing us, wondering what we think we are doing. I snap, “Go, go, go!” like we were just about to rob a bank or something. Kristin slams the gas like a bank-heist getaway driver & we drove home laughing at what total squares we are.
I confess that this situation has helped me to reflect on my own personality and tendencies. Most of the time in my life, if I have the chance to do something risky during which I could get “caught” and be put in an awkward situation, I will opt out. The Enneagram 3 (achiever), often has trouble with this very thing. What we want to to be seen as competent and worthy. When a “three” interacts with others, we are acutely aware of what the other person wants us to feel. We can sense exactly what we need to feel/do/say in order to win the approval of the other person, and to motivate them to help us reach our desired ends. This means that “threes” do not generally have good awareness of our own emotions. I don’t typically know what I am feeling in a given situation. I only know what you want me to feel. I don’t have access to my own true emotions because I’m hyper-aware of what other people (whoever I’m with at the time) want me to feel at the time. I’m willing to feel that out of expediency. I’ll feel whatever emotion you want me to feel, because this is the quickest way for me to get what I want or achieve my desired ends. It’s a sickness that most of us 3’s have to deal with our whole lives.
If I get into a situation that is difficult to explain, where the emotion I will need to feel in order to please you is disgust with myself, or shame, or regret, or failure… I will avoid that situation as a sort of “preemptive” move. It’s actually very hard for me to just stand on my own two feet and say, “This is who I really am. This is what I want. This is how I feel. I’m not doing this for you, to please you, to get you to help me or like me… I’m just doing this.”
All this to make this confession: I confess that I feel like it was a positive thing in my life that I willing to hop a fence and sneak into the dump, (even if I was too skittish to follow through). I think I’m learning (slowly), how to stand on my own two emotional feet. If I snuck into the junk yard to get my keys and wallet and got caught, there is nothing I could say could make the police officer happy with me. There’s nothing I could do in that situation to appear “worthy” or appear like a competent person. The fact that I was willing to even entertain the idea of risking that (for me), was a big deal–even if I was too chicken to follow through.
I confess that I’m a little disappointed that we didn’t circle back & let me sneak into the dump. I confess that I’m jealous of people who are naturally gutsy and able to do courageous or crazy things without any struggle. It’s nearly always a struggle for me.
By the way, we went back the next morning and jumped the truck (it took forever), and took it to the shop. It’s starting & running perfectly (48 hrs too late).
Okay friends, that’s my confession for this Monday Morning. Time for you to make yours:
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