What’s the famous line? If you can’t spot the sucker at the table in the first five minutes, then you are the sucker. It’s easy to head home to see the family dreading that interaction with the family member who drives you crazy… or you might be the person who drives everyone crazy.
Whatever the situation, it takes some good mental preparation to step back into our family of origin without crashing into one another and causing some damage.
I love the quote by Ian MacLaren, “Let us be kind to one another, for most of us are fighting a hard battle.” Some forms of the quote add the line, “that you know nothing about.” It’s a powerful thought. Everyone is fighting a battle that we can’t see, and cannot know. So, compassion is surely in order.
This is not anywhere close to an exhaustive list, but below are six helpful tips to keep in mind as you head for home.
Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff: Anxiety is a buzz-kill. When you feel it rising in you, take a walk, a deep breath, and let it go. If you sense anxiety in others, find a way to name what you see in them that you love, like, or enjoy. If your sister starts to freak, tell her she’s a good mom. If your dad starts to criticize you, tell him he is a good father and a good man. If he still won’t stop, remind him that one day you’ll have power of attorney.
Celebrate Your Differences: A lot has changed over the years. You no longer vote, think, worship, pray, entertain, laugh, speak, spend, or see the world like you did when you were young. You can despise the changes, or you can call them growth and appreciate them. You don’t have to see the world in exactly the same way to overeat and watch football together.
Practice Forgiveness in Real Time: Unforgiveness is like drinking poison and waiting on the other person to die. Forgiveness-in-real-time is a superpower. If you can spot a family member’s brokenness (racism, sexism, selfishness, insecurities, abusiveness, anger, bitterness, pettiness), just forgive it right then and there. It costs so little to forgive, but grudges are so costly to maintain.
Seek First to Understand: Ask for stories. Be curious and listen. Withhold your opinion. Be quick to listen and slow to speak, and slow to become angry. Don’t comment or critique everything and be curious instead. If you head home and spend the whole entire time as a story-catcher, hearing about the lives of your family, you will leave a better person and you will probably enjoy yourself.
Don’t Take the Bait: If someone in your family is trying to rile you up or bate you into an argument, don’t go there. Don’t swing at pitches in the dirt. If you can laugh at yourself you cannot be offended. Know your triggers and avoid them if you can. Remember it’s always okay to say, “I love you too much to have this conversation right now.”
Extend Grace: Nobody’s perfect. You don’t have to make people pay for their imperfections. What your soul really wants is to connect with your family and friends, and to enjoy their company. Focus on those things and let the brokenness slide. You can complain to your spouse on the car ride home (or not).
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