33 Excuses for Getting Out of Prepackaged Evangelical Bible Studies

I want to make one thing clear before I plant my tongue partially in cheek:

I love the Bible. Bible studies can be a wonderful thing. But most often they aren’t. And when Bible studies are bad, they are really freaking bad. So many of them are silly and trite, superimposing myopic, self-referential concerns onto the sacred text. Deep, persistent grappling with the biblical text is a mighty tough road, and most Christians don’t have the guts to undertake it.

So, we march our happy butts down to DeathWay and other peddlers of jesusy crap and invest in some boxed up tripe that pretends to answer a “relevant” question for our target demographic. Just like in worship, the easy, carb-laden stuff may get more butts in the seats, but it doesn’t nurture a faith that can withstand the encroaching ugliness around us.

But sometimes we just feel like we have to go, right? Peer pressure is a real thing.

Let’s just say that I have some experience with excusing myself from attending these sorts of endeavors, and I’d love to help you, too. Here are some great excuses you can use the next time you feel pressured to go to one of these studies.

1. I have a dental appointment.
2. I’m taking my dog/cat to be spayed/neutered.
3. I don’t get my truth from the Bible. I absorb it while spending time in nature.
4. Who cares what the Bible says? I only go to church for the kickin’ jesusy cover band.
5. Sorry, my extramarital affair partner is supposed to stop by tonight.
6. My excursion toward intimacy with God always ends at a Dairy Queen.
7. No can do. These terrible boils aren’t going to crack pots and scrape themselves.
8. No, thanks. I don’t want to.
9. Three words: Death Wish marathon.
10. Seeing that teacher and his leather-covered Life Application Bible always causes me to stumble.
11. Beth Moore? More like Beth BORE! Hahahahahahahaha…..
12. I’m allergic to eisegesis.
13. My spouse doesn’t allow megachurch literature in our home.
14. Sorry, but some Jehovah’s Witnesses just came to the door, and dadgummit, they made some awfully good points.
15. I’m more of a Christmas/Easter Bible study attendee.
16. Last time I tried living beyond myself I went up 6 pant sizes.
17. They’re always talking about Esther, and I’m uncomfortable learning the Bible from a woman.
18. I just drank a quart of prune juice.
19. Nah, I don’t need it. I get all my biblical knowledge from Chris Tomlin songs. And now my chains are gone.
20. The Spirit is leading me to have a few Old Fashioneds and a nice cigar.
21. I’d rather wait for the movie.
22. Don’t you know that saccharine has been proven to cause cancer in laboratory animals?!?!?!?
23. Spoiler alert: The rapture’s not real.
24. My doctor said that if I don’t cut back on prepackaged Bible studies he’ll have to up my blood pressure meds again.
25. Nope! There’s always that one lady who asks too many fool questions.
26. Prepackaged evangelical Bible studies are the petri dishes in which the bacteria of bad theology are nurtured.
27. I have a standing appointment to donate plasma at that time.
28. I have a standing appointment with my therapist at that time to work through the trauma of past Bible studies.
29. I think my parole officer might drop by, so I better stay close to home.
30. Darn! Hello Fresh just delivered supper, so I’m already committed.
31. I’d rather watch the weather channel.
32. I’m not “allowed” back at Bible study until I “finish” anger management classes for that one “incident” that happened last time.
33. Show me in the Bible where Jesus went to Bible study. I’ll wait.

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