Compliance Is NOT Consent

I did not consent to my first kiss.

I complied.

You can read the comical take on it here, but the gist of the story is that I was cast in a kissing role my senior year of high school. Now, I was eager to kiss in general, and was even eager to kiss in the context of the play…

But I was not expecting to suddenly, embarrassingly, and publicly be told one day to give away my first kiss in front of everybody. With a director yelling at and criticizing me. In front of the boy I liked. With a boy who was as uncomfortable as myself.

Nevertheless, I didn’t know that I could advocate for myself. For the conditions under which I would give my first kiss away. I didn’t know I had any choice.

So when the director stopped the show and chastised me for not kissing my colleague, I didn’t stand up for myself. I didn’t know I could ask for the room to be cleared. I didn’t know I could ask to be guided through, choreographed, like we do with fight choreography. All I knew was that the director was mocking me and commanding me. So, although I was hugely uncomfortable, I complied.

And then I complied again.

And then I figured out how to make it comfortable for me.

And hey, yeah, I did eventually enjoy it.

But I never, really, had any other choice.

Compliance is not consent.

Why Bring This Up?

After all, kissing is relatively minor in the context of #MeToo, and sexual misconduct on college campuses.

And it is, but that story is also a microcosm of how we teach our children. Or rather, how we don’t teach them.

Consider, if you will, how victims of sexual misconduct so frequently internalize the blame for their assault. Many don’t even recognize that what they suffered was assault for years, sometimes decades – sometimes not at all. Perhaps, like myself, they were eager to be intimate with their significant other. Eager in a healthy, curious, lively way.

And that good will was coerced into something they weren’t ready to give away, or in a context that made them uncomfortable, or to a degree that went past their morals. Perhaps they were very excited to do X-thing in theory…but only under Y-condition. Then, as their aggressor demanded X-thing now…

They complied.

They did not consent.

But damn if it’s hard to know the difference, when you never knew there was a difference at all.

Because the thing is: our bodies don’t know the difference between compliance and consent.

Our bodies have muscle memory. Our bodies say: “This is our function. This must be normal.” And then it’s easy to presume that since your body is responding to X-thing, you must have consented. You must be really into it. You must have asked for it. But that’s not how consent works at all.

For example: I wasn’t great friends with the fellow I kissed numerous times during my senior play. I had no particular opinion about him as a person at all. But after the play ended, my body got downright moody that I wasn’t getting a ten second smooch every day at 7:15.

Our bodies function; our minds consent.

And if you asked me immediately after the show closed whether I had consented to be kissed, I would have said, “Yes.” Because when I signed up, I did know that I was getting a kissing role.

But if you had asked me if I had consented to have my kiss taken from me in that way?

Well…no. I complied. But I did not consent.

A Light at the End of the Tunnel

At present, I’m taking a course in physical storytelling for the stage. Part of our training includes fight choreography – but part of it also includes intimacy direction.

Intimacy Direction is a new discipline, aimed at avoiding exactly the experience I had back in 1994. Rather than just throwing actors on the stage or the screen and telling them to “make out” (or more), it aims to ensure actors’ safety in every scene, so that no boundaries are crossed during rehearsal or production.

I’m finding the discussions we’re having absolutely invaluable as I consider the discussions swirling about #MeToo. (Content warning for linked articles below.)

So let’s define some words:

Permission: Someone outside of you can give permission for X-thing to happen. For example, you may feel permissions from the Church or your upbringing to engage in sex after marriage, or permissions from the state to drink at a certain age, or permissions from your director to kiss on stage.
- We all live with a different set of permissions that we are given as part of our culture and upbringing. The person in the hook-up culture has permissions just as much as the person in the purity culture.
- In the context of sexual relations, one person can give permissions to another (You may touch me here; please don’t touch me there), but even if I give my permission to be touched on my arm, the other person doesn’t have to consent to touching me at all.
Consent: This is the aspect of free will. This is whether, without duress, and without ignorance to your choices, a person chooses to do X-thing under Y-condition.
- It is important to understand that consent can be retracted at any time, without need to give a reason. Are you interested in X-thing and then realize you’re not in Y-condition? You can say no. Do you realize suddenly although Y-condition is there, you no longer want X-thing? You can say no.
- Permission is not consent. Just because there’s a permission – you’re married and having sex; you’re over 21 and drinking; you’ve signed up for a role that requires kissing; I told you that you can touch me – doesn’t automatically mean there’s consent. You are not obliged to have sex whenever or however, just because you’re married; you’re not obliged to get blackout drunk on your 21st birthday because it’s tradition and it’s legal; you’re not obliged to be put in jeopardy because you took a stage job that includes kissing; you’re not obliged to touch me, even though I want you to.
- Consent cannot be commanded. If you’re under any duress – being coerced, being commanded, being threatened, being manipulated, black-out drunk, cornered, under contract – if there is any threat to your free will being free…you cannot consent. Consent is free.
- Consent requires knowledge of your choices. If you don’t know you can say “No,” or demand other conditions, you did not consent. If you don’t know you’re not obliged, you did not consent. If you don’t know you have any other choice, you did not consent. So, from the victim of the hook-up culture to the victim of the purity culture, if you made a choice before you knew you had a choice…you did not consent.
Coersion: Someone recently tweeted that women are taught protection, men are taught coersion…and they call it “game.” Like the story of Aziz Ansari, it can be an easy step from asking for consent, to coercing for compliance – and presuming it’s the same. Gentlemen, this is how you turn into rapists. This is how a beloved actor and very “woke” date guru turns into a cautionary tale.
- Coersion can be more difficult to note – manipulation is always harder to recognize than blunt force. Because it’s more insidious, it’s easier for the victim to absorb the blame and believe s/he consented. Because it’s more insidious, it’s easier for the rapist to believe s/he “wanted it, too.”
- Because it’s more insidious, it’s rarely reported. And can go on for years, even into marriage to the person who keeps harming you.
Compliance: A word we’ve used a lot here. Compliance is when you believe you have been given permission – from your church, from your state, from your upbringing, from your significant other – and therefore you believe you are “free” or even “obliged” to do X-thing. Compliance is when you convince yourself that you have given consent. More accurately, compliance is when you are convinced by others that you have given consent. Compliance is not consent.

May I?

Asking for consent isn’t difficult. Although I’m sure I’ve messed up many times, I’ve found over the years – particularly thanks to my years as a stage director and teacher of teenagers! – that I often ask for consent before touching anyone who isn’t a dear friend. (And frequently still with dear friends.)

It’s as simple as “May I?” Or “Would it be alright if I…?” I’m usually giving hugs or holding hands.

With that, though, comes the understanding that “No means no.” I was impressed by my sister teaching her children – and me – about that. I think I was tickling one of my nieces or nephews, or even just cuddling, or playing some silly game. The baby squirmed and wriggled out and, in the game, I followed and grabbed them up again. My sister turned to me and said, “Emily, no means no. They said no. We honor that.”

I was stunned. I put the child down. I beamed at my sister.

We teach our children young.

I teach second grade boys theology now. They don’t know much about kissing girls, but they know a lot about bullies. We talk about consent. We talk about how you didn’t make someone be angry with you, or punch you. You didn’t ask for it. You don’t deserve it. You deserve to be loved. We talk about how you can’t make someone do or feel anything. Yes, you’re in charge of your actions. But you’re not in charge of what other people decide to do. And if they don’t respect your “No,” you need to tell an adult. I only worry, as I hear from the boys, that the adults don’t know that “No means no,” too.

We absorb our lessons young.

There are many in the Catholic and Christian community who are concerned that teaching our children – teaching ourselves! – about consent means consenting to things that go against our conscience. But if you comply to something that goes against your conscience, as I hope you now understand – that isn’t consent, either.

Consent isn’t about promulgating promiscuity, it’s about exercising and even strengthening free will. Putting reason in front of our passions. Putting the self back in self-control. Being responsible.

One Last Word…

Before we end, I want to speak to anyone who, after reading this article, may be having a crisis – reevaluating a certain event or series of events in your life, and wondering whether you were assaulted after all. If, perhaps, you are not complicit in your own assault. If, in fact, you did not consent.

Please, first, be kind to yourself. I am so sorry this happened or is still happening to you. You are not alone. You are not stupid. You are not helpless. You are not guilty.

You are beautiful and beloved, and nothing has, nothing can diminish that in you. You are sacred.

I urge you, in your own time, to get the help you need. Go to therapy. Get a positive support network. Get out of the situation you’re in. Cry a lot. Take your time to heal. Talk when you’re ready. Surround yourself with people who respect your “No.” It sucks tonight. It’s gonna be ok in the future. Not quickly, though, so go easy on yourself. I’m so sorry. And you are loved.

And to those who are reading this and considering with horror that you crossed a significant line. You, too, are beautiful and beloved. But you need to change. And you need to change now. You, too, get a therapist. You, too, get a support network. You, too, get a sponsor. You, too, own up to what you did, and learn how to change your habits…and realize that might take awhile. And you might need to own up a lot. You may need to accept a punishment – possibly severe. If there is a way to make amends, and your therapist/sponsor approves – great. Otherwise, you are not the person to heal your victim. Apologize (see this for how), remove yourself, and get better. There is hope. You are not damned. But you need to make a change.

For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. (Romans 8:38-39)

Image courtesy of Pixabay.

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