As I tweeted last night, “Hey y’all. I don’t know if you know this but it’s really cold outside…in the winter…in the northeast. There’s even, get this, Snow. I know, I know. Unprecedented. #thanksweatherchannel”
It is in this spirit that I offer up the following Takes–Tips For Coping With The Cold.
One–Don’t be this guy
If the ocean is literally frozen, don’t go surfing in it. Sure, he thinks he’s being so clever and amazing, and experiencing a once in a life time opportunity to swim in slushy, icy waves, but seriously, this is the dumbest thing ever. If the water is cold, don’t get in. You might die from the cold. And an entire nation will laugh at you and wag their heads.
Two–Wear a coat
I know this is counterintuitive. After all, a coat is bulky and stupid and makes you look three or four times your normal size and is uncomfortable, especially if you have to wear two or three sweaters underneath it, and you know that you’ll only be out for a short time–like fifteen minutes or half an hour–but wearing a coat is a traditional way to survive the weather being cold because it works. If you wear a coat, you will be less cold.
Three–Don’t got outside
and don’t have children who want to go outside. This one might be hard to achieve, but if you work at it with dedication and purpose, you may be successful at this important cold weather life saving tip. But first, you’ll need to have a close friend or relation who is willing to go outside for you–for milk and steak and other kinds of food. And second, you’ll need to get used to saying the words, “I’m so sorry, I’m going to have to reschedule….”
If you have children who think they want to go outside, you just need to learn to reflexively say no. But if you’re a good parent you already know how to do that.
Four–Turn on the heat
For people who live in the Northeast this just seems dumb and stupid. ‘Why would I turn on the heat?’ they ask, ‘Then I won’t be too cold.’ People in the north are so anxious about being Too Hot that they routinely end up being Too Cold. Or anyway, the people who go into their houses are always too cold. No, if it is very cold outside, a really good way to become warm is to turn on the heat, and then keep turning the dial, or punching the button, until it gets all the way up to 75 or 80. Don’t worry about the grid, it’ll be fine, and you’ll Finally be warm.
Five–Buy Gloves
Again, this is completely counterintuitive. Why would you need gloves? They won’t fit properly and will chafe your fingers and will make it so that you can’t grab anything and you won’t be able to find them when you need them, ever, but when it gets Very Cold, gloves can briefly protect your fingers from the blast of ice that greets you when you are forced, finally, to go outside. Just give in and wear them. It’ll be fine. Just for a day or two.
Six–Don’t Go Barefoot
I don’t mean to be so difficult. I know that, like wearing a coat and gloves, wearing shoes is completely annoying. Your feet will be hot and then cold and then hot and then swollen and you will eventually just want to cut them off and be done with it, but wearing shoes is essential for surviving Very Cold Weather. You should even wear shoes if you are just going to pop down the driveway to pick up your recycling bin. You should even wear shoes if you’re just going to run to the car and then run into the church. You should even wear shoes when you are, and I know this will make your head explode, Inside a Building such as a house or something. If you don’t want to wear your shoes while you are inside your own house, you should At Least wear socks and probably wear slippers. Call me crazy, but you will be much warmer in the winter if you wear something on your feet even when you are inside.
Seven–Move to Panama
Or anywhere warm really. Don’t be a dolt and move to Alaska or Russia or Canada. Or the higher elevations of Peru. Move somewhere warm. Lots of people do it. Except for the few, the tired, the poor huddled masses crouching inside their 60 degree homes refusing to wear socks and coats and gloves.
And there you have it. Some helpful tips for surviving Very Normal Weather in this part of the country. Go check out more Takes!
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